is it wrong to want to foster but not consider adoption?

[boohoobabywho]

we are very lucky in that we have a daughter concieved by IVF. I am very open to the thought of adoption but at the time my DH said that if he couldnt have our child he wouldnt be interested in adoption or fostering. Now while i didnt agree with him, i did respect his decision, and i knew how hard it was for him to make that stance.

however following some of his recent comments which indicate that he would be open to fostering, i've done a little research, and it seems that there are short term placements, emergency care etc. when i spoke with him he's all go for it, provided the child is younger than our daughter, and we do not consider adoption.

we have discussed this with our extended families and they seem to think that its a good idea.

BUT does anyone think that this 'arms-length' approach is unusual?

Well, given that there are 60,000 kids in care requiring fostering / adoption, you'd be doing a welcome job. Might be hard for you if you get emotionally attached to the child(ren) you're caring for. Would you consider respite care for families with a child with special needs? Valuable work, whatever you decide.

No, it's not unusual. Usually you have to choose between them anyway - it's not common to be approved for both at once. There's a huge need for foster carers, and large numbers of them are only interested in fostering, whether that's because they've finished their own family or they're older, or they just don't want to have their own kids etc etc.

My friend fosters and she doesn't want any children of her own - she takes on short term placements, and when she doesn't have any kids placed and she wants a short break (a month or two at a time) she goes travelling to far flung places and takes part in extreme sports and goes clubbing lots - things she loves but wouldn't be able to do if she were a mum 365 days a year. She says she wouldn't have anything any different and I envy her sometimes! (and if you're wondering how on earth she affords that as a single mum, she inherited an awful lot from her parents lucky bugger )

Short term placements means anything from a couple of days to two years or more though - my DD2 was with the same foster mum for several years before I adopted her. Short term can be a bit misleading in that sense! If you only want children for a short time only, emergency and respite might be a better fit for you to investigate

Lastly, IMO it's always better to go younger than your youngest, and that's the normal thing to do.

I don't think it's unusual; it's a reflection of the fact that fostering and adoption are really different things. People talk about them as though they are almost the same thing, but they're not.

Fostering is a job (albeit a badly paid one). I would consider fostering if I wanted to work with and help children, if I had the room and the resources, if I didn't have to work outside the home, if my dc were older. You don't get to choose which children come to you (though you can specify a category) and you have to be flexible and responsive to whatever needs crop up. You will not parent the child, particularly if you're doing short-term placements, but you need to learn about and understand the children's needs and be able to respond. You may need to spend considerable time liaising with social workers, taking children to contact visits etc.

Adoption is for people who want to parent a child. It is for life. You don't (usually) get allowances or continuing support.

Best of luck.

we've had the meeting and it seems in our area they need foster parents rather than adopters due to the nature of the requirement here.

we've signed up for the course and see how it goes

No not wrong at all they are both very different choices.
We have fostered for 8 years have cared for more than 60 dc. We have also adopted one of the dc we fostered.
Most LAs are crying out for foster carers there is a huge shortage. It is a hugely rewarding job.
Good luck I hope it all goes well for you.

Fostering and adoption are completely different and fostering is not the easy option. I would foster but I wouldn't adopt. Be aware that with fostering you still cannot 'give them back' - unless you only do short term/respite placements (which is unusual) you will be expected to potentially commit to a child from whatever age they are when they come to you until 18 and even beyond. You can't end a placement because you have had enough of a child (or you can, but without a very good reason it would call into question your suitability for fostering). Fostered children still need stability long term.