Open or Closed Adoption?

[kickdeechick]

My brother and sister in law have just adopted a baby boy. The birth mother wants nothing to do with the adoptive parents. Will this be a problem in later life for the wee man? I have heard that open adoptions are far more successful in terms of establishing identity.

Not sure where you have heard that "open adoption" is more successful in terms of establishing identity. I certainly don't know of any research that supports this notion. I have spent 30 years of my working life as a soc wrkr and tm mgr in a LA Social Services Dept, specialising in fostering & adoption.

It is not at all unusual for birth parents to want nothing to do with the adoptive parents. The only point for ongoing contact or "open" adoption is if it would be in the child's best interests and this is seldom the case. You say this is a baby boy so he will have no recall of his birth mother and will never be going back to her, so what would be the point of ongoing contact over the years - none at all.

Many adoptors are not in agreement with "open" adoption in any event. All cases are different of course but sometimes an older child will want to remain in contact with the birth parents and/or a member of the extended family (a grandma maybe) but again the question is : Would this be in the best interests of the child.

There is usually a letter box scheme where birth parents can write to the LA and the adoptive parents do the same (maybe with a photograph) and the letters are passed to each party via social services.

I think if your brother and sil are loving and nurturing parents the little boy will be fine. He may want to search for his birth parents after the age of 18 or he may not. Some birthparents try to search for their adopted children, but that is a long way away at the present time.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. That's interesting. We are in New Zealand and the odd thing I have read in magazines indicates it is the prefered way. I have not read any serious, well founded research. They are lovely people who will be fantastic parents, which is the main thing.

Hi Kickdeechick

It really depends on whether it was an adoption through foster care, or a relinquishment adoption. In foster care (where NanaNina is coming from) it's not as common to have an open adoption, because of the fact that the child was taken away and it's not always safe to have it. With relinquishment adoptions, open is the preferred way and well established, with research to back it up

Open adoptions can be very open and very succesful with relinquished babies. I have seen plenty of families in America have wonderful relationships with the first families of the children. Being good friends, texting all the time, sending presents, attending each others family events etc. I know one amum who was very comforted when her daughters bmum texted her to think of her when they were going through a faliled adoption. And another bmum wondering what to wear to her son's first brithday party, where she would be meeting all the extended relatives etc etc

Thing is, an open adoption has to be handled completely differently depending on how the adoption came about. My DD2 and DS have an open adoption, and it clearly does benefit them a lot. But there are certain safeguards in place because it's an adoption from care

Now, I don't know whether this baby boy was relinquished or not. If he was, it's a shame that the bp's don't want to be in touch. I don't think however it will cause major problems. When people talk about closed adoption being bad, they usually mean the old 60's kind where absolutely nothing was known about the bp's at all, and adoption was kept hush hush. Nowadays, even in a closed adoption, usually the child will have some information about who their bp's are, which is helpful.

Research has taken place on relinquished children in open and closed adoptions. It found that the kids in closed adoptions weren't disadvantaged by that. They were happy, normal children. It did find that the kids in open adoptions were very secure and happy, and felt very glad to know their birth families. But there wasn't a huge difference between the two groups of children

Maybe for this baby boy, he will feel hurt not to know them, or hurt that they were the ones who refused to know his new family. It is sad, but I don't think it will have a huge impact. Thing is, you can never tell with anything how it will turn out. Try not to worry too much, because you can't do anything

If your b and sil wanted to, they could send a letter eash year to the agency who arrnaged the adoption, which would be kept on file for the Bm if she ever changes her mind. Usually these are very simple letter, just to say that the child is well and how they are doing at school /nursery and what their interets are. Soem families include a photograph is this is appropriate.

This might be importnt to their son later, to know that his parenst at least tried to keep up some contcat.

I disagree with nina who says that there is no point at all. She is his biological mother and she will have information which may be implRtnat to him when he is older. many birth parenst have chaotic lives when they afe younger,due to substance misuse, leanring difficulties or menatl health problems. Sometimes things change when they are older and they may regret having said they wanted no contcact.

Some birth parenst belive that the a paremts are part of the system that took their child away, so naturally they want nothing to do with thme. In time tney may relaise this is wrong, and they may wish soem contact with their bio child. This might be in the childs best interest.

When the child is a teenager, its oftne easier to deal with the reality ( however messy) thna a fantasy birth family

I agree with Kristina (like normal )

A letter to the agency once a year could be a good idea

Kristina - DD2 definitely has big problems with fantasies of a wonderful old life which didn't happen. In some ways odd because she has lots of real memories of her life which are not nice at all. But completely understandable because it's much easier psychologically speaking to believe a lovely falsehood, than it is to confront a bad reality. Seeing her mum really helped with that. They had a difficult and traumatic conversation about what it was really like but it was very helpful in the long run. I am very glad to have an open adoption

Actually I am pretty sure research was done which showed that the younger the child was when contact began, the more successful it was. Hopefully it will be like that for DS

Lilka I note that you make a very clear distinction between children removed from parents and those relinquished, who are very much in the minority. I still think that the guiding principle has to be; "What is on going contact with bps throughout the child's life meant to achieve: what is the purpose? I don't understand the distinction you make - the child's best interests must be the first consideration, regardless of how the adoption came about.

You mention research into closed and open adoptions (is this UK research) and little difference was found. I find this puzzling as there are so many other variables at play when researching the emotional security of adopted children, and open or closed adoption is only one of many other important things to be taken into consideration. Do you have details of this research?

Kristina I will say one thing about you - you are consistent in your disagreement with anything that I post. I know you have a very dim view of social workers and I wonder if this is the problem. You often repeat what I have posted, which you have done on this thread (about letter box contact) and that adoptees are now able to search for bps if they wish at aged 18 years. Also of course bps also conduct searches for their adopted children.

I actually said that if this child was a baby and adopted, then what would be the purpose of on-going contact - none at all. Maybe I should have explained that I meant face to face contact, rather than indirect contact via a letter box system) I agree that bps (along with the rest of the human race) can change a great deal from the time their baby is adopted and may regret asking for contact. Are you suggesting that if this is the case, the bp should be offered contact with say a middle years age child?

The adopted child should have a Life Story Book with photographs and details of his birth parents and extended family and this book kept up to date with all his life changes. The book should be started to shown to him when he is very young, so that he becomes familiar with it, and of course he should be told in an age-appropriate way about the circumstances of his adoption.

It is rather rude and patrinsing, nina, to suggest that i disagree with you because of your occupation and state that " this is the problem" . The only problem is tnat you take it personally when people on mumsnet, especially adopters and adoptees, disgaree with you. I wonder if you acted like this in your workplace and how that was for colleagues and clients.

It might help the op more if you stuck to discussing the matters she has raised and took your personal attacks elsewhere

Why dont you tell us, nina, about your experince of helping adopted teenagers through the identity crises of adolesece? Whether they were content with information about their birth family that was more thna a decade old? About how you answeredquestions about their birth father, whether or not their Bm was alive or dead, if they had siblings? What about the teenagers who are so desperate for information they trace birth members on facebook and meet them secretly?

Isnt it better for the child for the parents to at least TRY and keep some communication open with the birth family? If , whe the child is older, they dont want information or contact, thats their choice. But what if they do? Do you start with 16 year old information? And isnt it better for the young person to make these decsions and explorations with the support of his/her parenst, rather thna in secret, because he/she belives they will not help?

We fostered our dd from 3 days old then adopted her at 2.6 years. She is nearly 5 now. She still has direct contact with her bm and I strongly believe this can only be a good thing. She will grow up with no illusions about her bm and a much greater understanding of the reasons for her adoption. If she has questions in future about her birth family that I cannot answer we will be able to ask her bm.

DDs was a forced adoption but I don't believe her bm poses any threat to her. She does not know where we live.
I feel very lucky that we are able to have this contact. It's a shame open adoptions are not more common.

I think open adoption should be attempted wherever possible. I really don't see it as 'only start if you can see a clear benefit'. I see it as 'stop if there are clear problems and it would be bad for the child to continue'. If it would clearly be a bad idea to start in the first place (in cases of extreme abuse for instance) then don't obviously. But letter or email contact should be attempted where possible IMO

There is a distinction between relinquishments and adoptions without consent. In the former case, generally everyone has always acted in the childs best interests. Open adoption is generally far more desirable and achievable in these circumstances. Both sets of parents are willing to make all sacrifices for the child, they both chose each other and chose adoption, they really want it to work out. Why NOT attempt it?? Could you give one reason why it would bad to try it? I don't undertand why you would view an open adoption in those circumstances with such suspicion?

Meanwhile, in 'forced' adoptions, the child had to be adopted to be protected. In other words, the first parents haven't acted appropriately caring for the child, and the emphasis is on making sure the child is safe and protected from abuse. So you have to be very careful when thinking about direct contact and also letters to a slightly lesser extent. And it is likely to be far far more complex than a relinquishment, because of the lack of consent (so many birth parents therefore aren't interested in the adoption working out), and because of the neglect and abuse issues

Anyway, i don't want to keep derailing the thread. I hope the OP found something helpful in it

Why is NIna telling us what an adopted child should have? As if we are all the same. I'm an adopted child and it was a closed adoption with no contact with birth family

I had a book explaining what adoption was but no photos or details of my birth parents. I find the idea I be unnecessary as a child growing up with adoptive parents. I always knew I could look into it when I was older but I feel that not having a birth family growing up helped my adoption, I felt I was the focus of it and was loved very much

I am extremely close to my mum
And dad (adoptive) and am so lucky to have had such awesome people raise me. I would have hated to have an absent birth family thrust under my nose in a book as a child. I feel it would have been detrimental to me.

Oh and ps/ my closed adoption was with consent and honestly feel it was done in my best interests.

i think maintaining contact with the birth parents after adoption can be very risky. My foster son will be with us until he leaves care and there is no benefit that I can see of him seeing his mother or even sending letters. He hasn't seen her for a couple of years, but she consistently let him down, didn't reply to letters, send birthday cards etc, didn't turn up. He is the eldest of five, all removed and one adopted. I think if you can be sure the birth parent will be reliable fine, but if not, cut all ties as it just makes the child unsettled.

Scarlette, i think the problem is thatvyou cant cut all ties. The biological link is still there whatever you do. Also many afoptees want to know about where they came from and why they were adopted, and what has happened to their birtj family now.

I know that is very unsettling for the a parenst to write letter and never get replies. Oftne tney are never even picked up. But in my opinion its worth it, to try and keep some contcat open. In teenage years you may be very glad that you did. Of course, some teens dont want information given to their birth family and , its thats the case, usually the a parenst will stop writing and explain why.

I wasnt suggesting that birth family meet with the child or send cards etc directly to him/her.i know that does happen in soem cases but that would depend on the circumstances And the a parenst would have to be happy that ut was in the best interets of the child.

Usually letter box contcat is between the adults concrned, through an intermediary.This is often the adoption agency, but doesnt have to be.

Kristingle - I don't want to de rail the thread and considered PMing you but thought you would not like that. I have noticed that you almost always disagree with what I post on the adoption threads, and then go on to repeat more or less what I have said. I simply made an observation that you were consistent in your disagreeing with me on adoption threads, and yes I wondered if it was because I was a social worker (now retired)

In response you accuse me of taking things personally with anyone who disagrees with me on MN and this is not the case. I actually think this is classic projection and it is in fact you who takes things personally. You accuse me of being rude and patronising, and suggest that I respond to the OP on this issues that she has raised, which I did, and which she found helpful and intersting, and take my personal attacks elsewhere. I actually haven't made any personal attacks, though it is clear that this is how you perceived my observation, underlining the fact that it is you who takes things personally, rather than me.

I don't really feel inclined to get into your competitive notions eg asking me how many teenagers I have helped through an adolescent crisis about adoption - probably more that you think, but still very few, and as a social worker not an adoptive parent. I could ask you questions about how much experience you have of the adoption triange, but I don't want to further this silly notion.

FWIW I think if a teenager asks questions, and the adoptive parents don't know the answers, then they should tell the young person that when he/she is 18 he/she can search for their birth parents and hopefull the adoptive parents will support them in this search.

Lilka I notice you still haven't given any information about the research you referred to about "open" and "closed" adoptions. Are you able to do this?

Nina, I have read many of your posts on the adoption threads.
I think what you are forgetting is, you do not have the emotional side of adoption we mothers do. As a profesional, you see everything different.
So I am not sure you are really helping on these threads. As adoptive parents we have all been through the mill and come onto here for support and encouragment, as we do not all get it in real life.

I take your point Moomoomie. I don't post a great deal on adoption- more posts on fostering thread, but I think (well I know) I have been helpful at times because I have been told so in posts, and for several months last year an adoptive mother was PMing me about the problems she was having adjusting to caring for her child.

I did actually receive a lovely surprise from MN yesterday, a gift token for Amazon for an incredibly generous amount. I had apparently been nominated for this Secret Santa gift by posters for "going the extra mile" - so I must be doing something right, but it would be on other threads (don't really want to such which ones) rather than the adoption thread.

Nina -i will try to stick to the point of the thread and ignore your personal comments about me or my motives for my opinions

First, I think you will find that soemone has to be 20,not 18, to search their adoption records in NZ . Further it may not be possible at all if a veto has beeplaced upon them

Second, you comment about waiting unti you are 18 makes it clear how out of touch you are with todays teenagers. Im afraid that the inetrnet and social networking has overtaken all of this. We need to deal with the real world in which they live now, not in soem 1950s tabula rasa fantasy of adoption

OK - whatever you say Kristingle - you're right and I'm wrong - happy now - good!

There are two elements to 'open' adoption, the first being the children knowing they are adopted and the second being contact with birth family. I think these are entirely separate matters and should be treated so. Of course nowadays, no-one hides the fact that children are adopted from them and that is widely accepted to be in the child's best interests.

The question of contact is far more controversial and is becoming more so with the use of Facebook etc. Have you heard what Lorne Loxtercamp has to say? Check out ccp.sagepub.com/content/14/3/423.abstract - his email is there and he may send you the paper if you ask him. Also, you can listen to him on the R4 programme, All in the Mind, www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nycc8 . He is a professional working in children's services and presents a convincing argument against contact.

I adopted out in New Zealand almost 24 years ago and open adoptions were common even then. New Zealand as a culture is slightly less anal about this IMO (I have lived in the UK for over 18 years so not an impulsive opinion) But if the Birth mother dosen't want any connection then that is something that they as the childs parents will have to have a coping mechanism for in the future.

Personally the child (adult now) I gave birth to, knew he was adopted, knew who I was and we had regular letters and photos between the families until he was a teenager.

Obviously as others have mentioned children taken rather than given to the social services may require different methods.