advice and support for birth mums

[Collyi]

hi, i was just wondering if anyone knew where i could look to find advice/info and maybe support for birth parents that have lost children to forced adoption.

i dont anyone that has been through similar, and dont even know what kind of things im even allowed to put in letters to my son. or anything.

if anyone could give me any advice about this, or point me in right direction of where to look, that would be great.

Hello Collyi

I don't know the answers to your questions, but hope someone on here can help you.

Thank you

Collyi,

What support you would find would vary incredibly with what area you live in sadly. Bit of a postcode lottery

With the letters, there should be a 'letterbox agreement' or similar that was written when your son was adopted. This should say in it when letters are sent, and how they are going to be signed off, and who writes to who. You should be able to view it if you wish. I would if you are able to, phone and ask to see it or it be read to you.

I'm not sure whether you have written any letters already, but usually letters aare written between the first parents and adoptive parents, not between the child and first mother. So you would be writing to his parents. Depedning on how old your son is he may or may not see the letters. You could include (just some ideas)

-Any major family news (deaths, births, marriages of people who are close relatives)

• Any positive news of things you've been doing e.g. "I have a new job and I love it" etc
• Comment on the letters you might have recieved, eg. "I can't believe he is that tall now, he maybe takes after his grandfathers, both were over 6 foot as adults"
• Ask questions if you really want to know the answer to one particular thing eg. "How is x doing in school now?"

I know it must be really hard to try and work out what to say, especially as you haven't had any guidance at all (you should have some). Don't overthink it is my advice, and try and be yourself as much as possible, because your son may read these letters one day. The letters I get from DD2 and DS mum, her personality does show in them. They are very varied

There's not a lot you shouldn't write. I would just remeber you're writing to the parents usually, so gear your comments towards them.

With support groups, some areas actually do have support groups for first mothers to come along to. Some don't. You could phone again and ask if your area is one that has a support group or not. I would also recommend trying to get counselling if you are struggling. There are severa organisations and charities who could maybe offer that, or you could see your GP

And there's nothing wrong with sticking around here. We're a friendly bunch :) There are other internet forums which have special boards just for first mothers (the one I am part of is incredibly welcoming to everyone)

I hope that helped even a little

It's not really struggling, I do get by, I just find myself pretty irritable at the min, with a bit of a short fuse. But curbing that as I have my daughter at home. It's just frustrating, and it's all pretty new. So still quite raw.
Especially when got told if they hadnt already identified the adoptive parents (and even got him calling them mummy n daddy), I would have strong chance of getting him home.

I haven't been anything about any agreement thing about letters to him. Not even been told where to send them. Just that I can send one a year every April.
And didn't get the impression there would be any sent back to me.

I was just told I can't put my address in them or anything that would give my son the idea of where I am. Guess I will have to call his social worker. I just hoped I may have been able to find out without talking to her.

Thanks for the advice though.
And your right seems alright on here.

Been scared to talk to anyone. My family try but admit they can't imagine how it feels, and been worried to talk to anyone else, as found a lot of people judge you for it. And assume you must have deserved it.

Hi Collyi, and welcome.

There are a few birth mothers on MN, so I expect you will get some response to your post.

I don't know how long ago the adoption happened, but the letterbox co-ordinator SHOULD have written to you to explain what you need to do to keep up indirect contact. It will be expected that the adoptive parents will write to you every year, too, but obviously this can't be enforced.

I am an adoptive parent and have taken this commitment very seriously. I will write every year, even if I don't get anything back from the birth parents. I think it's really important that our children grow up knowing that both birth and adoptive parents cared enough about them to keep this going.

All best to you.

Hi Collyi - so sorry that you are feeling so distressed at the moment. I googled "post adoption support for birth mothers" and quite a few sites appeared. Some of them are American but if you put in the same words as I did, the second one down was specifically for birthparents, provided by Salford City Council, and there looked to be a lot of information on there.

There is also a DVD called "Ladybird Ladybird" on Amazon for about a fiver. I don't know if it would make things worse for you but it is an account of a birth mother and why her child was removed. It portrays the adoption triangel very well, child, birth parent, adoptive parent. It is very old but you might find it useful.

Hello,
birth mum here too.

I don't know of any post adoption support for birth mothers what so-ever, and I didn't recieve anything saying what I should and shouldn't write.

I think it's going to be very difficult for you to write anything (and actually send it) until you've copme to terms with the situation.

I find it difficult over a decade on.

The biggest problem is my resentment of social services themselves and that they'll be opening up my lettters, and they're liars who change documents and files as they please.
So it is very difficult.

If you would like to talk out what's happened, and how you feell, I'm here for you x