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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Step parent adoption

14 replies

bananamam · 06/12/2011 12:48

Hi all! My partner and I (both female) are getting a home visit from a social worker next week. We have two children together(though the first was concieved by me with a previous partner) but we met when DS was a few months old and concieved dd together. Naturally since the law doesn't recognise her as a parent, we are going ahead with her adopting them both.

Has anyone gone throught this? What can we expect to be asked by the social worker? Tia!

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 06/12/2011 13:30

Not been through this myself but wanted to bump it for those who have been through the process.

FWIW a friend of mine had a real grilling from a very stern SW who she felt was trying to catch her DH (not known to sudder fools gladly) out with very devious questions.

However he handled her charmingly, and luckily then she was posted to another area.They then got a really helpful SW who helped them through the process, full of advice and support as it should be.

Hope it all goes well for you!

KristinaM · 07/12/2011 16:40

Are the biological fathers consenting to the adoptions? If not, that will be your biggest hurdle, as you will have to persuade the court to dispense with their consent ( im assuming its two different fathers)

Original poster
bananamam · 07/12/2011 16:49

Same donor, who is relatively unknown. In that we had no contact after conception of DS until he was 18 months when he contacted us for an update, we then asked him to donate again whilst we had contact.....so concieved dd(knew my cycle inside and out obviously as we had to plan these pregnancies so I concieved first time). Have not heard off donor again since dd was concieved and she is 2 and a half. I may have an email address for him somewhere. He is not named on the birth cert, due to anonymity I do not know his name. She is coming to chat to us next week!

OP posts:
Original poster
bananamam · 07/12/2011 16:51

Can I also add he had shown me tests etc so we knew he was fertile and free of any hiv etc....he had just taken the time to cover his name. Both meetings were brief as he never wanted to be anything other than a donor.....

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KristinaM · 07/12/2011 17:30

That sounds quite complex, i assumed tnat you knew the bio fathers. I suspect you might need legal advice then. Presumably he still has parental rights and the court would be asked fo dispense with this as he could not be found. Im not sure. But im not a lawyer and neither, i woudl guess , is your social worker.

KristinaM · 07/12/2011 17:36

Personally i fully understand the logic of using the same donor twice, makes perfect sensd to me. Just concnred that

( a) sw wil not have come accross your situation befroe

( b) he is she will make assumptions about the legal situation which may or not be correct

Step parent afoption is v common of course , and same sex couples adopting isnt that rare either. And of course babies conceived by a married woman by AID are ( bizzarely) considered to be the legal child of the husband. So you afe similar, but not identical, to all of these siutautions! Hmmmmm.....

KristinaM · 07/12/2011 17:39

If the adoption thing ends up being too complicated, there are other legal orders you might want go consider which will give your children soem rights and protection if anything were to happen to the bio mum

Original poster
bananamam · 07/12/2011 17:46

Thankyou kristina Smile. I know it's odd that it's different for heterosexual couples. Though I now think this is the law for gay people to if they use ivf. We didn't have the money for this option so had to do it ourselves. Social worker says she is coming for a chat really and to explain the process. If she advises us that we need legal help we shall seek it...thanks again.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 08/12/2011 05:30

Im not sure if its different fro straight couple, just married ones. But im not sure

Of course, if it WAS the same for lesbain/gay couples, then your ex partner would have parental rights for your older child and you would still have the same dilemma. Ie having to get somone to consent to your dp adopting. So in a way you have benefitted from not being a male/female married couple.

I honestly think it would be worth checking out the legal issues. Just because a sw says " oh im sure its fine, if you cant remember his email address, hes only a sperm donor" , it doesnt necessarily mean that the court will see it the same way. They might feel that given you have contcated him twice befroe an have had two babies " together", you are ablw to do so again. Its not like it was a one night stand with a stranger

If you know that he will consent, i woudl have thought it would be easier to get this doen now rather thna risk it causing delays later. But thats just my opinion, and im not a lawyer

Goood luck with the home study

Original poster
bananamam · 08/12/2011 07:49

Hi thanks again...ex partner is nowhere to be seen. She left when I was 8 months pregnant with DS and legally has no rights, not that she ever saw my son anyway....she literally left and never came back!.....I think we will be the first gay couple to do this in our local area....we are in the sticks!...so it will be a learning curve for all involved I think

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KristinaM · 08/12/2011 08:20

Good luckSmile

smiledotcom · 09/12/2011 22:58

Since, in your case, both biological parents are known, representation of both parents will be needed in any adoption proceedings. The local authority will have a duty to carry out a full investigation, including searches, and subsequent meetings, with all of the biological parents prior as a part of the adoption "feasibility" process hearing. At times like that, it often brings home to biological parents - even previously absent ones - how much they have to contribute. Throughout proceedings the court will always stress to the each biological parent how important, and unique, they are to the formation of a child's identity, and they will encourage any biological parent to become involved in the life and up-bringing of their biological off-spring (the fact that you're gay won't make any difference to the proceedings).
If you apply for adoption the courts must become involved and those proceedings will involve both biological parents. Think long and hard about the benefits of bringing the family court upon yourself. Many people like to be able to make decisions about their family without involving the courts as once you involve the courts they will make decisions about what they think is best for your child and not what you think is best for your child... Once you involve them (which the adoption process will nescessarily do) decisions are taken out of your hand. You can't back-track!

Original poster
bananamam · 10/12/2011 09:49

Thanks smiledotcom. Donor isn't known though...I have a name, one that isn't his real name and an email address. But you have raised some very very valid points! It is such a huge thing. Thankyou for raising these issue, I had not looked at it from that perspective.

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OB1sMum · 13/01/2012 19:43

Hey all, my partner and I too are starting the process of him adopting my son, as I do not know the whereabouts of my DS bio father we will need to ask teh court to dispense of his consent and write a statement of fact, its this i have no idea where to start, has anyone else written a statement of fact and any tips on general format & what to put in it (without totally slating the waste of space as im sure wont look to good) would be GREATLY appreciated.....thanks & sorry to butt in your thread x

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