DH contacting his BM - any advice/experience?

[MissBeehiving]

DH is mid 40's and was adopted as a baby. He accessed his SS file 3 years ago and has known where his BM lives since about that time. He now wants to make contact with her. When he spoke to SS about potential contact 3 years ago they suggested initial contact be made through them by letter which he is happy with.

Does anyone have any experience of making contact with their BPs - is their anything I can do to support him to make that process easier?

DH's mother went through this process recently so I have a little indirect experience of it. She went through an organisation called NORWEB and now works as a volunteer for them. I think it's important to be prepared for all possible outcomes (her BM had sadly died several years before she began the process, although that's much less likely if your DH is mid 40s) and for you to make sure your DH knows he has your full support in what he's doing. MIL had some criticism from extended family but was always fully supported by her DH and 3 DSs which helped her to keep going.

MIL made contact with several half siblings, only one of whom wanted to keep in touch, but he is now a wonderful brother to her and she has a SIL, a nephew and 2 nieces, so a mixed but definitely overall positive outcome.

Sorry - organisation ia called NORCAP. FIL used to work for NORWEB so I get confused

I agree with using an imtermediary if possible. And also taking things very slowly. If your dh could access t specialised conuselling , that would really help i think

I traced my birth family when i was in my late 20/earky 30s. Like most people, it was a mixed outcome. However i now have a good relationship witn two of my siblings and their families. I dont regret it at all

Thank you Sophiesworld

KristinaM - can I ask whether you had counselling? Did it help? I ask because I suggested counselling to DH and I think that he felt that he had come to terms with the fact that his BM may not want contact, but I wonder whether I should (gently) suggest it again?

How does the contact work through an intermediary - what level of information is best? I think that DH would like his BM to know that is fine and has a happy life. Is that too much for a first contact?

Yes i had counselling and it really helped. I was fortunate to be able to use a specialist service run by a large charity. I dont know how much use it would have been if it was a local sw without any knowlege or experimece.

Its much more complicated that her just saying yes or know. There are many complications, situations and feleings that can arise, its defo worth speaking to someone if he can.

If his bm DOES want to hear from him i think he might want to write a little more about his life. Its up to him if he wants to give identyfying details or photos. It might be easier to be factual at this stage

Eg, where he was brought up, his family ( siblijgs pets etc) , what he enjoyed as a child ( hobbies, holidays), education, work etc. And perhaps a little about his family now, especially you and the children.

I often read here abiut adoptees who have spoken to their b family on the phone and next thing they ( and their partners and kids) arevall going off to visit for a holiday. Too much too soon IMO

Thanks - that's helpful. Sometimes I think that he so focused on his BM and how she will react to contact that I wonder of he forgets about he may feel about it. His BM married a couple of years after he was born (she's now divorced) and he has a half brother too. I think I'll mention the counselling again, You can't put the genie back in the bottle, after all.

It can bring up a lot of feelings from the past, prevoous hurts or rejections. People who were sure that thye were totlly in control can be overwhelmed by strong feelings they didnt expect. There are often problems of conflicting loyalties . Adoptee can
be expected to deal with everyone elses issues as well as their own. Which is pretty unfair as they are the only person who didnt have any choice in the situation!

Its a cliche but it can be an emotional roller coaster. Its good that he has you there to support him. Just being there to listen and let him talk through things will really help

Am currently in a similar position to your DH. Mid ish 40s - file opened a year plus - found my BM quite quickly.
I haven't used an intermediary, or had any particular counselling apart from the SW just running through potential scenarios.
IMO i think it depends so much on how your DH feels about being adopted, and how his BM feels about being contacted and that is so individual. I have read many posts on here about very sad emotional issues that some adoptees have in their adulthood - that are unresolved. I searched for my BM with none of that.
My DH is and isn't supportive in equal measure. He isn't in that he has no opinion as to should i send this, tell her that etc etc. Its just 'whatever you want'. But he has shown an interest in the things that i've found out. I've used female friends for the 'should i, shouldn't i ' conversations.
Hopefully, next weekend we will meet in person for the first time. We have e-mailed, and telephoned, and both feel ready for the next stage. But as i said - this is only my story. I am in a good place in my life - she is in a good place in hers. We're also quiet frighteningly similar in personality that its a bit like having a conversation with myself. But again, the mother daughter dynamic is very different from a mother and son one.