Meeting Birth Parents - what to expect? what to say?

[greygretl]

We are preparing to meet the birth parents of our DS in a couple of months, at their request. I'm really anxious about what to expect, and don't feel we've had a lot of support from SWs other than to say it's likely to be emotional - which I'd figured out for myself! So I thought I'd tap into the vast reserve of experience here on MN, and get myself better educated about how it's likely to be, what we should say, what we should not say, and how best to make it as productive and positive an experience as possible for both us (and therefore ultimately our DS) and them.

It feels like this should be a really good opportunity to perhaps help them in their process of moving on and to help us have a better understanding of our DS's past and biological family, so I don't want to waste it. Help please!

This is so wonderful of you to agree to meet the birth parents.
It's a great opportunity for them to find out more about their child, and the life he has.
I'm a birth mother and would love to meet my son's new parents to ask them all about my child.
I think they want to keep their distance though.

I think you have the right mindset not to waste it.
You'll be able to see what kind of people they are so you know what to say to your son in future.

How to handle the meeting really depends on which point in the adoption process are you? How long have you had your son?
And where are they are emotionally..

I met the adoptive parents very early on, if that's any relevence I can share how that went.

Thanks for sharing, mummyofthreexx - really helpful to get your perspective. We're pretty early on in the process, he's only been with us a few months, but was in foster care for about a year before that.

Ah I'm sure it will be emotional then.

When I met my son's a-parents I didn't ask much, as I was still fighting to get him back and thought I could keep him.

Is yours a forced adoption?

I'm a foster carer and adoptive mum. A couple of times I have sat through introductions with birth parents and adoptive parents. They are difficult and very emotional. Have the SWs told you how the birth mum is feeling. Some are more able to accept the situation than others. If BM was able to keep the child for a while I would ask them if there is any advice they can give you about the LO.
I still see my DDs BM twice a year. We have rules that she is very good at adhering to, she never calls herself mum or asks DD where she goes to school, lives ect. I have made it clear to her that I will be forever grateful that I had the opportunity to raise the child she gave birth to.

Most adoptions are contested by the family through the courts.

If he was in care for a year (like my son was) I'm guessing the SS went through the formalities of 'giving the birth family a chance' which is highly debatable whether or not they always do.
They seem to have the 1 year cooling off period to make sure baby and birth family lose any bond, then it's easier to get a judge to agree that the child may aswell be adopted out from not fully competent parents.

All you can do is reassure them that he will be taken care of, and tell them how lovely he is.

Don't expect anything useful from SS.

The important people in this are you, your partner, the baby and the baby's birth parents.
Mostly you and the baby, as how you are will determine how good an upbringing the baby has.
SS rarely have the time to say or do anything constructive.

I hope it goes well for everyone.

I would expect that the birth parents aren't in the greatest states mentally right now, as not many people would be at losing their child, soremember it's a massively traumatic time for them. How they come across now isn't how they'll always be.
If they don't seem appreciative of your efforts or so interested in little things that may mean the world to yo,like how the potty training is going, if he's saidmuch words, it's because they're in mourning.
But I'm sure they'll remember everything you say, and actually enjoy that information at a later date.

My son was taken against my will 8 years ago, and it's only now I can really appreciate all the adoptive parents have sent tome, pictures, updates, I read them backnow and now the mean the world tome, obviously back when I just wanted to die I wasn't so interested.

So birth parents can be eternally thankful at a later date for how you act now.

I have met my DD2 and DS mum several times, but the first was very emotional! mummyofthree - nowadays, these meetings are extremely common, and I have seen one LA who will not take on any prospective adopters who would refuse such a meeting
Hopefully it will be really beneficial. You will be able to tell your child about them first hand, not just information taken from paperwork, even if the meeting does not go that well

My tips are

1. However emotional it is for you, it will most likely be much much worse for them. Try and let them lead the conversation if possible. Don't have very high expectations, it may go well, it may not. The answers to some questions may not be what you expect. It is extremely emotional, I cried afterwards for a while, and will never forget that meeting
2. Ideally, a SW would visit you all in advance, to find out what questions are going to be asked on both sides. Thats what happened in my case, the SW took down the questions I was going to ask, and told them to mum, who thought up answers before she met me. I thought up answers to her questions. That way, no one was thrown by any questions. You could ask them to do this in your case
3. If possible, I strongly recommend you try and get a photograph of you all together. It may not be appropriate in some cases, but often it can be good for the child to know that all of their parents have met and have a photo of this. Most other adopters would agree with this, and have found it one of the best things about the meeting, if not the most important thing
4. When it comes to thinking of questions, try and think of what you would want to know if you were an adult adoptee. If you knew nothing about your birth parents, what would you want to know the most? There may be some questions that are unique to your sons background you would want to ask.

However, some ideas (though some might not be appropriate for your situation)

• Why did you choose x to be his name? (I think this one is nearly always asked)
• Do you have any special dreams for him or things you really hope he can do/achieve?
• What was he like as a baby? (if he was removed at an older age)
• Is there anything particular/important you want x to know about you/his past when he is older?
• What hobbies etc did you enjoy as a child? (DD2 is skilled with her hands at sewing etc, and I know from meeting her that her mum is as well. She likes to know where she got it from!)
• Do you think x looks like/takes after any particular family member?
• Any health conditions in family that might be passed on?
• What would you most like to read about/hear about x in the letterbox letter? (if applicable. DD's mum really wanted to hear about some aspects of her life, and that helped me write the first letters)
• What was the birth like?

1. A SW should be with you, and I hope would be noting down all the answers to the questions. It may seem intimidating, but it's easy in such an emotional situation to forget what was said
2. Try and reassure them that x will be loved and cared for, and that he will be told he is adopted, and if you are planning letters, reassure them you will write etc etc
3. They may ask you things like

• do you have a garden?
• What are you going to tell x about us?
• Are you going to be a stay at home mum? (if you have one, best not to say your actual job title, be general eg. I work in the film industry, if you are a camera-woman, etc)
• Will you take x on holiday?
• What do you like doing?
• Are you going to change x's name? (this was the most important question for DD's mum, she was very anxious to know)

1. If it doesn't go well, remember that you can at least tell your son that you have in the flesh met. It's very enlightening meeting someone rather than just hearing about them from someone else. I really got a good sense of who their mum was/is and I understood more about the situation from that meeting

Hope fully it will be very beneficial. I've just realised how much i've written! I really need to stop with the mammoth posts!

Thanks everyone for these really helpful posts, I really appreciate it (and no problem with the mammoth-ness lilka, it's all good!) - lots for us to think about so we can do our best to make the most of the opportunity.

I was going to reply but Lilka said it all first!
BEst of luck with the meeting. Remember, however it goes, it may be really helpful for your ds that you will be able to tell him something about his birth parents, even if it's just stuff like, "Your bf has lovely thick hair, just like you", or "It was really obvious that they loved you and want the best for you".