First time adopter - no children, looking for advice/reassurance

[LuceFry]

DH and I are just starting down the route of adoption. We have attended the prep groups and will now start the home study. DH is very positive and upbeat, I have more misgivings. I guess I would just love some honest stories, telling the upsides and the downsides of living with an adopted child. We are looking to give a home to a child under 4 years old. My preference would be for a girl, but I would consider a boy.

My hopes are:

To be a family with my husband
To give and receive love with a child
To have the opportunity to learn and grow from having a young person's perspective on life

My fears are:

The child will never 'get better' - will have major challenging behaviour throughout life
My relationship will suffer from the challenge
I will struggle to bond with the child without having the biological connection of giving birth

I am conscious that I don't have a specific question for you all to consider, so it may be difficult to respond, but I hope someone will find a moment to recommend adoption and/or give me warnings.

Thanks

Have you read the thread below this one? Called 'All those horror stories, but what is the truth?' or very similar. We've got a bit sidetracked at the end, but Aeschylus asked a very similar question to this. I think it would be really worth a read, especially the first page

Your fears are completely normal. I think everyone probably has them, and they have your hopes as well

From my POV, two of my children have challenges. One is a mostly happy adult who has some issues, the other a very difficult teenager. I know I am very positive about adoption and what it has meant for them - but at least some of their issues will be life long. I guess whilst it has been unbearably tough at times, we have come through together as a family. In general I view adoption as something very challenging but also positive.

But, it is a leap of faith! A rollercoaster, full of unknowns, which you have to accept. I can't tell you what would happen if you adopted. Problems bonding are common (though not usually IME to do with biological connection. More to do with the time you have with your BC in your womb when you are bonding. You don't get that with an AC. They come fully formed with personalities before you have bonded at all). Not everyone has issues with bonding but it's common. I think it's a fear you just have to accept you have and make that leap. There's nothing else you can do really. No one can predict what will happen

Under 4's are largely unknowns I guess as well. No one can predict with much accuracy how they will fare as they grow up, or what effect their trauma will have on them. There are more uncertainties. Not every has lifelong difficulties, but some do. I think one of Mary's posts on the other thread addressed this best..couldn't add to it really. At some point you have to just say, well, you can hope for the best as everyone does, but at the point of matching you have to commit to work with that behavior as well as you can should it arise.

I'm a single now, and have been for a long time, but I know that my relationships got tested by all manner of things, some unexpected, and again, your fear is normal. But I can't say how you will react together

Only you can decide whether adoption is right for you, so I can't recommend as in say 'do it!' Only I would say it is something which brings out your fears, and has many uncertainties, and is a leap of faith..things you have to work through in your head at several points, this being one of them

I fear my answer might not be much help, I typed as I thought, and it's not any more specific than the question!

"I guess I would just love some honest stories, telling the upsides and the downsides of living with an adopted child"

I just saw that bit properly. My honest upsides are the achievements my children have made. The first proper cuddles i got from both my girls (both needed several years to get to that point) and so on. Meant more to me than anything, but not many non-adopters understand that..the way I live for many small things they take for granted. My son only has some issues (anxiety and bad seperation anxiety, which has caused some problems in school etc) and is a very loving and giving boy...
Actually, the upside is being all of their mum, through all points, and knowing we have each other now :)

The worst thing by far has been post adoption support and the lack of understanding from some people of my childrens issues. School has been especially bad at times sadly. I think when you adopt you do have to prepare to advocate strongly for your child against people who aren't willing to listen. And my DDs behavior has sadly been extreme at times as well

Everyone's experience will be different...but pretty much the reality is...living with an adopted child will bring up unexpected emotions, and certain issues others do not face. For instance, you have to consider school curriculum issues (evacuation triggered DD2...asked to think about how those poor WW2 evacuees were being sent away from their familes to live with different ones! The school did NOT understand how that might upset her so badly!!!!!! Thats just one example of advocating to people who don't get it) You will have to face this yourself, I almost guaruntee it sadly.

These things which set you slightly apart from other families, such as having sometimes intense conversations about biological family, reunion, contact letter... having to consider more carefully book plots, movie plots, school curriculum issues...are not ups or downs really, they are just different! But it will be another part of life if you do adopt, so thats something to think about a lot

I hope that helped even slightly :)

I've just realised the extent of those posts...you'll have 'death by reading' before you ever start homestudy

Dont be too scared of it all. Go into it with openess and realistic expectations. Remember what you hope for and dont dwell on what you fear.

For what it is worth, I have a foster child, aged 3, who was 18 months when he came, and was incredibly traumatised, lots of silent tears raining down his cheeks and always such a sad face. He had been very neglected and been given really shoddy care from alcohol dependent parents. Now he is mainly a happy bouncy lovely boy, very chatty and people just fall in love with him. He does have incredibly bad tantrums, where he looks so fierce! but I love him so much and would so happily adopt him. I have a real bond with him and although he is still withdrawn when he is uncertain of the situation and people he is doing really well. He possibly will have major challenging behaviour in the future but he will still be incredibly lovely and lovable.

I know sometimes children who have been neglected/abused will turn out to be too challenging and almost seem unlikable but you will, dont forget, have a say in the type of child you will be willing to take and get to know about a childs history before you go further.

I wish you well!! xx

On the back of this post - what you said about you being worried about bonding with the child LuceFry - obviously children having difficulties bonding is something discussed a lot but us bonding with them is not always questioned. So this may sound like a stupid question and please don't pounce on me for it ...

How long did it take for those of you who have adopted to feel attached to your child and love them?

Good luck LuceFry - I know exactly how you feel!!!

Wow am so impressed to get so many answers in such a short time! Thanks everyone, I can't write more now but will come back tomorrow and see if I have extra questions or reactions to pick up on.

Don't worry about 'death by reading' Lilka - the more I can take in, from real adopters, the better!

Aeschylus - Bonding on the adopters side definitely needs to be talked about more, it's really common, almost normal, to either have issues with it or for it to take a while. With DD1, over 1 and a half years before I was feeling unconditional love for her. DD2, slightly longer. DS, about 6/7 months. Although it's actually quite hard to pinpoint a particular point where it was there - I didn't feel anything change but when I looked back a few weeks later, then I realised something was different, if that makes sense. Its a gradual process, and I didn't notice as it was happening, only after it had happened

I think it's one of those things that you feel bad for admitting so it's not talked about.

When I had my ds (bio) I expected this 'rush' that people describe but never got it and then, as you say, I just looked at him after a few days (when I was home from hospital really but I was in for 3 days) and knew I loved him. I didn't feel it 'hit' me though! I don't believe it is instantaneous and must be difficult if the child is particularly unresponsive to affection and interaction when they come to you.

Can you ask your social worker to put you in touch with an adoptive family you can chat to?
My dh and I are asked a lot to speak to prospective adopters, hopefully the couple get a lot out of it and you can ask questions that you may not be able to ask your social worker.
On a positive note for you, we have 3 adopted daughters with whom I felt an instant bond with. I

Dear LuceFry

I'm not a mother, so feel free to disregard what I'm going to say in reply to your concerns.

I'd say that every child is a challenge, whether it is adopted or biological. And there is a very real probability, no matter how small, that a biological child will come with issues. It's also probable that having children will challenge and maybe change your current relationship.

My parents have 5 children, of which one has a serious psychological disorder. Where this comes from we don't know. It's just one of those things for which the probabilities are very small, but it does happen to you. And the problem with my brother has been a major strain on my parents relationship.

Just to be clear, my parents come both from middle class families, with education, job stability, and there is no issue of poverty, drugs or alcoholism in my family.

So these things happen, and they can happen in any home...

Also, I have one aunt who adopted two children (from Russia), and a cousin who adopted two (from Hungary). They all seem very happy and the children came, so far as we can see with no issues. The most amazing thing I have noticed from knowing them is how positively children react to adoption. They are very small creatures and one would think that they hardly realise what's happening to them or react to it. But they do. They do notice the change, and for them it's a change for the better. Suddenly they have a home, and they are cared for, and they are the centre of attention, and they receive a lot of love. It's so amazing to see their faces of happiness! The four adopted children I have met are incredibly cheerful and affectionate. I am inclined to think that adoptive parents are people who very much want to have children and have a lot of love to give. And I think that this is really benefitial to kids and it pays off.

Finally, I am a PhD graduate, and my PhD supervisor who is a well-known professor and a Fellow of the British Academy, was adopted.

To sum up: anything can happen with your family, whether your children are biological or adopted.

Life's a journey.

I hope this helps.

We felt exactly how you are feeling when we started our homestudy. It really is a leap into the unknown and you just have to be as honest with yourself as you can. We had a bit of a nightmare time during our homestudy and were put in a position that meant the whole thing could have fallen apart around us. However, we were incredibly lucky that three months after panel we were matched with a baby boy and we brought him home three months later.

You asked for the 'downside' of adoption and I can obviously only answer from my personal experience. Our ds was effectively relinquished. I look at him sometimes and have to stop myself sobbing when I think of the circumstances leading to him being adopted. Since we brought our ds home, we make sure we speak about adoption and his foster carer but I am dreading the time when he will understand the implications of what that means. For his sake and selfishly, for my sake. I know a time will come when I will hear something like "Well, you're not my real mum' or 'I wish I'd never been born'. I know lots of children (myself included) have said the latter at some point but I know I will be hyper sensitive to it. I used to have a real issue about thinking that I wouldn't be able to instantly recognise his cry in a crowded room as I hadn't given birth to him.

But the 'upside'. Our ds is now 3. Last week I watched him in a little show at pre-school. I had tears of happiness streaming down my face. I had waited years to do such a 'normal mum' thing. In the car yesterday, 'You're a good mummy' (pause) 'You're the best mummy' We are so lucky in that our little family just seems to 'fit' together perfectly. People see what they want to see, we are told constantly that ds looks like my DH. I look at him and he is our boy. I cannot imagine loving him any more if I had given birth to him.

Every child may be a challenge and there is of course the possibility of issues with birth children but there is a virtual guarantee that you will be dealing with additional issues if you adopt.

The additional issues may be a minor as working out how you discuss with your child their start in life, or teaching them how to deal with well meaning (and not so well meaning) comments about adoption or just the shock of finding that you hurt for your childs loss and that will probably never leave you.

Comparing domestic with intercountry adoptions is difficult because generally children are adopted younger intercountry and they are far less commonly removed for neglect or abuse but more often relinquished. Its a little more akin to the kind of adoption you would have had in this country prior to the 60's. The difference is that children overseas will almost certainly be placed in institutions of varying quality and will often have had no opportunity to make any real bonds with any fosters carers. Medical issues will be more common but on the other hand there is a great deal to be said in my opinion to benign institutional care over poor or ever-changing foster-care.

All the adopters who have commented have been where you are, we have all worried about what might lay in store and have probably listened to tales of axe murderers from our family or conversely tales of buttercups and daisies and gambling off into the sunset having saved a child from a fate worse than death.

Personally I worried myself to a stand-still then took that leap of faith and did as Hester suggests "la la la la la, can't hear you" to all the outside influences, read the medical and other information and researched it like a hawk and made the decision when faced with a real child with my head not my heart.

The advice I give real-life adopters is to not borrow troubles, all the things you imagine now are probably not going to be a problem and the issues you come up against will be something you hadn't even considered at the time. Even the things you think now that you won't accept may well change. One of the things I said I didn't want was the uncertainty of a child with extreme prematurity and I ended up accepting a very very delayed 11 month old born at 26 weeks weighing less than a kilo. (photos celebrating our 5 anniversary on our profile )

Maryz is right when she says the advantage to getting them young (if possible) is not that there is any guarantee of fewer problems but that you are totally bonded to them by the time any significant issues become apparent. Having said that I know of adoptions of 3 year olds that have disrupted or ended in local authority boarding school as teenagers due to to the issues being unmanageable at home.

To anyone else DS's issues would be undetectable because they don't see how we manage his fears and insecurities (except for his very switched on reception teacher who spotted his little comfort routine to say goodbye) but I don't really see them as a problem, just what he needs to thrive and thriving he is.

I understand that we are in a honeymoon stage and that difficulties may lie ahead but he's my child and I will do whatever I can to help him as he will always be my child.

As for bonding its no secert that I struggled to bond with DS. And he was small and cute and needy! I felt responsible for him and I wanted him but he didn't feel like mine and he didn't feel like mine for quite a long time. I think there needs to be much more discussion about the binding process for parents whereas we only really covered bonding from a childs perspective on the prep course.

I felt a total freak because everyone coo'ed over DS (he was VERY cute!) so it felt totally abnormal that I couldn't love him instantly. Loads of the adoption blogs I had read (ie all of them) talked about love at first sight which I certainly didn't feel as DS took one look at me and screamed the place down and pretty much didn't stop screaming for an hour, then refused to make eye contact for a couple of weeks. There was a great deal of uncertainty over his medical condition, I was alone and a long way from home and in the circumstances looking back it would have been odd if I had felt some kind of instant bond. What wasn't really acknowledged was that bonding properly without the benefit of hormone rushes was actaully going to take months (for me) rather than weeks or days. I was relatively honest about it in my blog at the time and had many people thank me afterwards as it made them feel less freaky themselves.

It makes me laugh now when I consider how much I love him but I really was convinced at one point that I probably wasN't ever going to and was going to have to fake it forever!

Not an adoptive parent myself but am the sibling of an adopted child, so have seen adoption at close quarters.

as for your fears these were my mother's experiences

"The child will never 'get better' - will have major challenging behaviour throughout life"
In the event, this did not happen (db is now a very well adjusted adult and a great husband and father) but of course she did have to be prepared to live with those fears for many years before she could be sure that he would cope as an adult. I think she was well prepared by the adoption agency and felt this was part of what she was taking on. (As an aside, I am going through something very similar with my biological dd, not knowing how she will cope with her emotional problems as an adult.)

"My relationship will suffer from the challenge"
There is no knowing how a relationship will be affected by adversity; some relationships are damaged, others get stronger. Dh and I have had our fair share of challenges over the last 15 years and it has given us a much stronger sense of shared purpose.

"I will struggle to bond with the child without having the biological connection of giving birth"
My mother did, I think, worry about this beforehand and was also concerned that as db had grown up in an orphanage he might not be able to relate to or display normal emotions; in the event, that was not a problem- he could get angry and violent but also knew how to show affection. She felt loving towards him from the start but said (afterwards) that it took a few weeks before she recognised his smell as being that of her child. But not very many weeks as far as I have understood it,