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Adoption

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Original poster

Just a quick one...

10 replies

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 30/10/2011 17:38

Hi all,

My DS does come out with some corkers bless him. He has LD and ASD. He often talks about my DD who died five years ago (when he was 3). I take it as it comes and try my best.

He started crying last week out of the blue and talked about her. Then he said he had a dream 'I was in a dark room, I was a baby and no one was there to look after me'

I managed to stay calm and comfort him and tried to get him to talk a little about why but it is hard with his additional needs.

It makes me very sad though. Sometimes I feel I am out of my depth with all he has to cope with.

I dont suppose anyone can offer a few tips? I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
ezzie21 · 30/10/2011 17:56

my dd -sn/adopted- some times comes out with 'when i was a baby you never came' when we pass by an old contact/nursery centre -she was 2.5 when she came to me.

it breaks my heart to hear such things but i reply with 'im here sweetie and always will be'

just trying to re-enforce the positive secure future she now has...will be watching thread for any more ideas

Original poster
thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 30/10/2011 18:39
Sad

Its so hard isnt it?

To try and answer their questions without being too negative about birth parents. Every answer leads to more questions, most of them impossible to answer.

He was only 8 weeks when he came to us on a family placement. We got PR when he was 2. I am a firm believer in innate memory but I also realise that his fears come from the explainations we have given him as to why he is with us.

I have always tried to be gentle but truthful. The truth is he was neglected. He wasnt fed and he wasnt cared for properly. He is 8 now and he wants to know. I cannot lie to him but I do not want to make him feel worse.

OP posts:
ezzie21 · 30/10/2011 19:19

with my sn dd i lie, its complex and everyone -professionals with many badges- agree

with my middle dd -adopted- i use to say that some people are good at music/plumbing/fixing cars etc and i was good at being a mummy but cant fix cars/plumbing etc....her birth parents werent good at being mummys/daddys so thats why she came here...shes now 18 and still cant do the 'facts' of the adoption, which i worry about youd think talking would be good??

the professionals with badges say she might never talk about it, its her way of coping...if it explodes i will be there to mop up the mess as ive been doing for 11 years, i can do no more than that...but wish i could magic it all better!

Original poster
thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 30/10/2011 19:42

My DS talks about it very openly (as he does about everything). He doesnt use 'adopted' yet but his understanding of language improved when i was pg with DC4 so that was handy. He knows that I didnt grow him.

He asks why his birth mum is angry with us.
If she has any other children - she has and he knows now but the birth of his b.sister pretty much coincided with the death of our DD so i couldnt begin to tell him then.
He wants to know why he couldnt stay with her.
If he can see her
If he can see his birth sister.

It comes in spurts and at odd times. I try my best but am never sure if I am saying the right thing. I never slag his birth mum off. She caused us a great deal of trouble but that is not his problem.
BUt it is relevant to why its hard for him to have contact. I cant trust her.

I hope one day she will mature enough to put him first. Unfortunately I think he will be old enough to seek her out long before that day comes. We are related so it wont be difficult.

OP posts:
ezzie21 · 30/10/2011 20:23

complex and then some for your family Sad

i have to confess i 'hid' behind the court order

no contact/visits until your 18 as that what the law says and then only after a series of after adoption counselling because thats how it works

we have a lot of talk in our house about people having 'ishoos' and thats just the way some people are...that seems to cover most of birth parents behaviour is a vage way Hmm

Aeschylus · 30/10/2011 20:52

I like the plumbing/mechanics/mummy/daddy story and think thats true and a good way to explain it to a young child.

Not having gotten that far yet (in that we haven't yet even started the home study!!), we weren't really sure about how we are planning to deal with that. I figured I would just talk about bp as if they were other relatives that we don't see. I don't really have much to do with my dad but I do my mum and step father so I was thinking of a similar approach in that all families are different and this is the way our family is. Maybe that is a little naive but I suppose it is about what is suitable for the individual child at the age they ask the question and if they get older and want to know more you cross that bridge when it comes - or doesn't as in your case with dd eezie

hester · 30/10/2011 21:37

Oh, missus, no tips from here but just wanted to say how hard, how very hard that must be. You are so strong but I'm sure there are many times when you must just be exhausted with all you have to deal with.

Original poster
thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 30/10/2011 21:56

Thanks Hester. Sometimes after one DS's little chats I just stand open mouthed wondering how the hell I can address everything.

There is just so much.

Mostly I am fine and we bumble along then WHAMMO he is sitting next to me in the car and starts chatting about death and cancer and heaven and his b.mum and his b.sister and by the time we finish the journey my head is spinning.

He then gets out of the car and starts talking about Dr Who Grin

Last week he cried though and that was really hard to see.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 02/11/2011 12:14

I think if he is old enough to ask then hes old enough to hear to asnwers. Im sorry, i knwo you want tobprotect him. I DONT think that the information you have given him alredaybhas made him feel worse. He knows alreday . because he has LIVED THROUGH IT. Because itbhappened when he was pre verbal he is only left with the feelings.

You have given him the words and the explanation to make sense of how he feels inside. Now he can express these feelings it will help him deal with them, bit by bit. Otherwise they woudl be trapped inside

Whe he feels sad and upset, maybe he doesntneed explanations of why it happened. Maybe he just needs you to hold him and comfort him, like yiu did when he was 8 weeks old. Because thats the little baby who is crying for his mum.and she wasnt there for him. But you were and are

Maybe you need to do soem work with him when he is Not upset. Does it help him to act our stories witn toys? Or play do or painting /drawing? DD does lots of stuff putting toys into families . Im wondering what woudl help him express his feelings as hes not so verbal

KristinaM · 02/11/2011 12:18

The questions at the wrong time thimg is quite normal BTW. Ds is prone to ask " why did M die again?" as we are driving to football etc. I think because the death of a child is quite rare, they have to go on asking to reassure themselves why it happend and why they wont die too

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