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Adoption

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Original poster

Bugger, DDs Birth Mother has sent me a FB friends request. I need to say no but don't want to hurt her.

19 replies

ChooChooWowWow · 28/10/2011 21:46

My DD has direct contact with her BM twice a year. We met up today, went for coffee and played in the park. She bought dd some books, dd was really happy to see her and all went well as usual.

BM never stays in one place for long, she is a sofa surfer. She is always changing her mobile number. Because of this she has to call SS to arrange her contacts. They then call me and we agree a date ect. Today she said she had had loads of problems getting anyone to talk to her. The SW she normally deals with is on long term sick leave so I can see she would have had problems.

I have a fairly good relationship with her so I said in future just send me a FB message and I will get straight back to you with a date. She has obviously misunderstood me and has now sent me a friends request. I don't want her on my FB. I think it will be very inappropriate. She doesn't know where we live or much about our day to day lives and I don't want her to know.

She is very needy I think she enjoys our time together because I listen to her and I don't think she gets much positive attention in her life.
I'm going to have to message her and explain.

I've been a prat I should have left well alone.

OP posts:

tralalala · 28/10/2011 21:50

can you message her back without accepting the friend request, then if she mentions it, explain in person?

miniwedge · 28/10/2011 21:52

When I get friend requests from people I don't want on my facebook I tend to message them that I very rarely use it and email is a better way to get hold of me as i am going to delete my fb due to lack of use. I give them an email address I use for non personal use and then delete.

Would that work for you?

RitaMorgan · 28/10/2011 21:55

If you send her a message, won't she be able to see your facebook page anyway?

I would create a "clean" profile just for contact with her, put nothing on it you wouldn't want her to see, have no other friends, and just friend request her on that one. Also make your real profile unsearchable/uncontactable!

canyou · 28/10/2011 21:58

I would and have said the same about my 3 it is an automatic response these days I think. My 3 are long term fostered from family and have contact with their Mum decided by SW [we have a private arrangement with their Dad]
We now have a separate FB acc where they can have contact with their Mum as eldest wanted more contact but this way we can supervise and limit content/info and it means that eldest DC does not set up an acc without our knowing
Or else just say email is best for you at the moment.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 28/10/2011 22:05

DS's bmum does this everyso often. She sends me messages but I dont answer. SHe does it to get access to photographs.

It sounds like you have a good relationship but I think FB is a bad idea. Could you tell her that you are not allowed? Or ignore the request?

The seperate account is a good idea if you think you can handle this sort of contact.

Original poster

ChooChooWowWow · 28/10/2011 22:06

I thought you could send messages without actually being friends and that's what I meant her to do.
Setting up a new account is a good idea or I could accept her request but block her from seeing my photos or status updates but that might be a bit obvious.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 28/10/2011 22:08

If you send someone a message, then they can see your profile I think, whether you are friends or not.

Original poster

ChooChooWowWow · 28/10/2011 22:11

Thanks ritaMorgan I didn't realise that.

We do have as good a relationship as can be expected but I think this is a step to far. It's completely my fault I didn't think before I said it. I am going to set up a new account just to contact her.

OP posts:

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 28/10/2011 22:55

AFAIK they can see your profile for a month if you reply to a message. I dont know if this has changed but it was the case.

My gut feeling is that it is a step to far choo

Its not suprising though. It is a perfectly natural thing for people to do. Its almost automatic these days. As soon as someone knows your name you get a friend request.

The new account is a good compromise and a good way of maintaining contact if she moves around a lot.

Lilka · 29/10/2011 11:28

I think I would go with either a clean account to be friends on or you could set up an email account just for her if all you're planning to do is send messages to her. I'm considering setting up an email for DD2 and DS mum to contact me on (I find facebook extrememly confusing!)

I also thought your profile would be visible if you messaged her via facebook. But you need an email to set up an account in the first place. If she's made her email visible on her public page you could maybe email her to explain without the risk??

Aeschylus · 29/10/2011 12:31

Apparently (according to our 4 day prep course) there was recently a conference about the implications of fb for all involved in adoption incl child, b parents and ad parents. The SW were saying that they are not happy with fb and suggest that adopters do not have an account because of it - maybe you could use that as an 'I'm not supposed to' thing and then you could create an account which will look like you are trying to find a way around it - makes you look good and gets you out of having to share any info you dont want to.

Alternatively, I agree, with creating an email account and then forwarding the emails from that to your own personal one so you dont miss the emails but she doesn't have your details. You could still use the 'I just found out I'm not supposed to but...'

BertieBotts · 29/10/2011 12:35

I don't think that sending a message makes your profile open to view. Do you want me to PM you my facebook page? You can send me a message and then I'll tell you if I can see your stuff.

I know that there are also potential problems with adopted teenagers under the age of 18 being able to find their birth families on facebook.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 29/10/2011 12:41

I am glad that adoption services are getting around to address this Aeschylus
I found them to be waaaaaay behind when whe had issues around FB and Myspace.

We had a horrible time with Bmum and her various and numerous social networking pages. SS didnt have a clue what to do and even though there were fairly clear CP issues, they didnt act at all.

My DS is 8. He wont be having a fb account until the is nothing I can do to stop him. She will be on him the moment she finds out.

Aeschylus · 29/10/2011 12:48

I'm not sure if they are at the stage of addressing or just currently talking but they were defnitely aware. Personally I think (although it goes against what they say) there is an argument for not sharing any surnames either yours with the bp or the bp's with your child (at least until you choose to).

Not that that will necessarily stop them but it will make things more difficult - maybe not a realistic option if you have face to face contact though.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 29/10/2011 13:43

Our position is slightly different from a lot of adopters in that we all know each other. Bmum is related to my OH.

Wouldnt be so much of an issue if she wasnt so difficult. Its a shame. Its not how it was supposed to be but not much we can do about it now.

I am hoping that one day things change but not holding my breath.

Lilka · 29/10/2011 14:52

I'm not sure it helps if adopters are advised not to have fb accounts themselves, if thats what you were told Aeschylus? Both DDs have accounts and my also having one is beneficial - I can keep tabs on DD2 better even though her account is also set up with my email so I get all her notifications as well

I think that facebook is a problem, but in many cases, won't be as big a problem as people make out. It can be an issue where surnames are known as in Mrs DV's case and also where certain people have poor boundaries. In the future some parents may have to take more caution in disclosing original surnames to the children. Otherwise only a distinctive first name is likely to pose a problem, as long as your account is locked down tightly enough. Generally, I think it's actually harder to trace than people assume. For instance if all you knew was that the childs name was say 'Olivia' (picked a random common name) it would be very hard to track them. You'd need the surname or the school name or location as well

Aeschylus · 29/10/2011 15:25

I agree that if your child ds/dd had an account that the best way to montior is through an account yourself - I suggested hiding surnames to which the response was 'it is on their birth certificate' I dont know about you but I didn't have my own birth certificate when I was 18 let alone younger. When I needed it I had to ask for it! I think keeping on a first name only basis is the most sensible way of tackling fb generally.

I think ss are in quite early stages of considering fb and thinking quite 'ideally' but thats not realistic. I just thought it could give a get out excuse for the op!

SpookyMadMummy · 29/10/2011 17:15

Ensure your settings are private and then you could message her. You are under no obligation to accept her friend request. If y ou do you can limit what she sees on your profile so all she will see is your info and profile picture if that's what you want to do.

fluffygal · 29/10/2011 17:21

She won't be able to see your profile just because you have sent her a message. I have had messages from my SS's BM's new boyfriend and have replied and cannot see his profile.

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