In 5 days we'll know if we are able to adopt a little girl

[lettinggo]

I won't go thorugh all the process that's brought us this far, but we're 6 1/2 years in the process.

In 5 days time, on June 30th, we're going to find out if we will be able to adopt a little girl from Russia. She must be made available for domestic adoption until June 30th and after that will be able to be adopted internationally. She has some minor health issues, as far as we know nothing hugely serious, but apparantly Russians don't like to adopt children with health issues. She's been adoptable since she was 2 months old.

For the past month we've known about her and have been told that if she doesn't get adopted domestically, we will be allowed to adopt her. In my heart I know we should be hoping she gets to be adopted domestically because that would obviously be what is best for her but it's hard not to hope that it doesn't happen. I'm just not that good.

And now there's only 5 days to go and she's still there. I'm not at all religious, I certainly don't pray. But I remember years ago doing a novena (type of prayer service you do for 9 days where you pray for a specific thing) to St Francis Xavier and the words are rattling around in my head

"but if what I ask is not for the glory of God and the good of my soul,
I pray and desire that which is most conducive to both"

Might not make sense to anyone not Catholic but it's a comfort at the moment.
Sorry for the ramble. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on Thursday at 1pm (close of business in that part of Russia).

Please try to not worry, IHNYH. Its easrly days yet. All she knows is that there is a new adult in the room who shows a lot of interest in her. While this is fun she obviously finds it a bit unsettlimg.she is very used to routine and hers has changed. She has no ideea of what a mummy is, let alone that you are hers.

Things will change when you have sole charge of her. Im a bit surprised tnat she is not staying in your hotel with you. Will they not let her move until the waiting period is up?

ImHot - for someone who was worried she might not form a bond or fall in love with her DD, you are showing pretty good signs of both

I wonder if the carers have been telling her that you are her Mummy/going to look after her and that she will go to live with you. OK, so at 14 months (and having only lived at the home) that isn't going to mean a whole lot, but probably enough for her to know things will be somehow different. Maybe they have been saying they'll miss her/be sad when she goes. It wont mean a lot to her, but she will 'feel' something is up & so naturally will cling to them.

Of course she will miss her carers when she leaves them - but she is only very little, she does 'like' you and she does go to you for cuddles already :) It is lovely that you are allowed to stay in touch with her carers, hopefully one day you can take her to visit them.

It's only natural to be jealous/worried/scared - but it will be OK lovely, truely it will x

DS and I were both rubbish at bonding initially, it took about 3 days to stop him crying when he saw me, then another 10 days to get him to look at me in the eye except for very brief periods then at about 5 weeks everything changed and he moved rooms and didn't recognise any of the carers and I became his rock. I wouldn't call it bonding - just desperation! But it worked for us in the end and we have more than made up for it since.

It used to wind me up a treat that our bonding room was effectively the corridor to the sick bay and DS joyfully greeted every person who wasn't me . It makes me smile now when I consider how attached he is to me but it was a very anxious time then because I didn't feel I was bonding with him either.

As Kristina said to me at the time "just fake it and the rest will come" or words to that effect. I did and it did.

I think it's unrealistic to expect her to start bonding with you at this stage, tbh. She is of course getting to know you, and to like you, and that will help enormously when she is left alone with you. But at her age she can't comprehend what will happen and she won't start transferring her attachment to you until she has to.

But that is ok, it really is. I understand that you are full of anxieties at the moment, and desperately want things to feel ok for her. But she is going to be disrupted and it WILL be unsettling and distressing for her, however much she is getting to like you. You really need to get your head round this and not feel as though you have failed if she gets upset when you take her. This is part of the process.

When I took dd she was fiercely attached to her fc, and she was a sad little baby for quite some time. Superficially she seemed to adjust well (no crying, disrupted sleep, anger, refusal of food) but every photo I have of her at that time shows her looking sad and troubled. It breaks my heart. BUT her distress meant that she clung to me, like a little monkey. Even though she was already 11 months, I carried her round in a sling for weeks, and she sat on my hip for many months. That is how we bonded - BECAUSE she was traumatised, she clung to me, she needed me, and gradually she learned to love and trust me. She is now such a happy little girl. Now it is ME who gets a yay when I arrive at the door, and it is me who gets hugs and kisses and "I luff you Mummy!" a thousand times a day.

So see it as part of the process. Be gentle with her and yourself. Don't rush it. It will take time - that is natural and inevitable.

Sorry, I sounded very doctrinaire in that post. Everybody is different, of course. I just can't bear the thought of you sitting there all alone, getting upset - and then maybe going home and being upset all over christmas because it doesn't live up to your fantasies. I just want you to be reassured that everything sounds fine, and that what it might be tempting to see as a fairytale scenario (child falls into your arms and you both instantly love each other) is probably not as ideal as it sounds.

yes as hester said taking time to attach to you is "normal" and should therefore be celebrated through gritted teeth

I have no experience of adoption but I am sure everything will work out well and you will start bonding very soon. It is lovely to hear stories of successful adoptions!

You have no idea what these posts meant to me. Without getting all sentimental, thanks. I'm bawling now for the first time since court and I think I needed to do that.

I do know I'm over-analysing everything, and if she was the little girl who keeps wanting to sit on my lap all day, I'd be worried about the fact that she was doing that. I am in an emotional heap and trying hard to keep it together.

It makes such sense that the carers have been talking to her about the changes that are afoot. I know she's only 14 months but she looks intently at her carers when they talk to her so she understands loads. They do keep saying to her (or I presume they're saying) "there's mama, go to mama" and while she may not know what a mama is yet, she knows I'm not a nyah-nyah (carer). While I've done loads of reading and talking to adoptive parents before now, it's so different when I'm here. I don't want to fuck things up. I want to do everything right from the start and I know I'm putting unreasonable expectations on myself and on our budding relationship, I can't seem to help myself.

Having said all that I had the most gorgeous and memorable day today. She greeted me with a beaming smile., The other babies were fed already but the carers had left her food for me to feed her, which I was thankful for. I brought her outside for about 30 minutes on our own at the suggestion of the carers which she was VERY wary of. When we came back inside, I thought she'd run for the hills after me bringing her out of her comfort zone, but she was really happy to sit on my lap, dance etc. Magic. Then one of her lovely carers, the one who has conversations with the dictionary, gave me a present; a beer mug for dh, sweets and a Christmas decoration for ds, a book for dd and a pottery dish for me. In the dictionary she pointed to the word "remember". That was the start of today's tears. How bloody nice is that?

This afternoon, dd wanted to be in the arms of her carers more but would come over from time to time. Then the same lovely carer pointed to "potato" in the dictionary, asking me do I like potatoes and then went and cooked potatoes and hot-dogs for the three of us, and had coffee and cake after. How supremely nice is that? And I discovered dd loves potato so her Nana will be thrilled with that!

Today's carers will be on duty on Monday when we leave so I'm delighted about that. Another little boy from her room is also leaving, I found out today. He's going to new parents in the city nearest to here. I don't know if he's being adopted or fostered but I'm glad for him. I'll miss them all.

Thanks to everybody on the thread, it's so nice to have people rooting for you and brilliant to get the sensible voices of people who have been there already.

Ive ready your thread from start to finish and the tears just wont stop. I wish you all so much happiness with your new gorgeous little girl. Have the most amazing chirstmas ever. x

Have only read a little of this thread, but I am so pleased for you. What a rollercoaster of emotions you have been through.
Our third child came home four years ago next week.
I remember well the introduction period and for us it was very smooth sailing.
Thinking of you all and wishing you all the very best.

Kewcumber I have just read through your blog and I am in absolute awe of you. You are such an inspirational woman, and your son is beautiful.

tbh pixiestix I'm pretty in awe of anyone who slogged through it! Mostly it was followed on a weekly basis by people at the time - anyone ploughing through the whole lot deserves a medal!

What an amazing thread. I am sitting here with tears streaming. Wishing you all every happiness.

I've been watching this for weeks, waiting for the homecoming. Counting days now, and may even squeeeee for the first time. Ever. When it happens.

I re-read my MN threads from our trip and parts of th blog last night and cried . It brought it all back, you think you will never forget but you do. Take more photos than you will ever possibly think you need of things that you really don;t think photos should be taken of. I took photos of the corridors of the baby house, the floor plans up on the walls the door of the sick bay he was in etc. Wished I'd taken more out and about in the town.

And just try as much as possible to live in the moment and savour every tiny thing because once you leave you won't be back for a very long time. DS's birth place has a special place in my heart and I think of it quite a lot. I describe leaving in my blog as being a bit like emigrating - pleased and excited to be going and starting a new chapter of your life and yet sad to be leaving such an important place to you (and your DD) knowing that you won't revisit probably for a very long time.

After reading this I just wanted to wish you the best christmas ever and every happiness in your new life together x

Ahh, what a lovely thread. Wishing you all the best OP, and Kewcumber, your blog is amazing

Kew, I'm just sending you a quick pm, if you have a minute.

ImHot - it sounds like a lovely day was had by all :) She really does sound like a lovely little poppet!! 'Remember' had me in tears again! It will be hard to say good-bye to them, even though they've only been a short part of your life, they've been DD's entire life and saying good bye to that will be hard. As Kew said, take loads & loads of photos of everything, you can't have too many and you do forget the little things. Get as many of their private contact details as you can. Have you asked them to write down all their names and the childrens names?

Your meal sounds a lot nicer than what Kew had to endure with her DS's carers! They were being ever so lovely and kind and Kew did so well - very very much better than I would have done!

You really really can't fuck this up if you love her & cuddle her :)

It is absolutely no surprise at all that you are a bit of an emotional wreck and are worrying... your posts are making me cry and I'm not even there!!

Kew - honestly, you underestimate your threads/blog. I read them at the time and I've read them a couple of times since (the ones that are still around anyway). I love your slide presentation. It is compelling reading and honestly, if you didn't mind exposing your life more than you have on the www already it would honestly make a brilliant book. You are a total star and it's a lovely, lovely story - with finally, a happy ending!

I had another nice day today. It was Katya on duty today so dd was her best pal all day. I had some lovely times with her too. Your advice has sunk in. Hester, what you said about her not transferring her attachments until she has to hit home and I feel pressure gone off me.

I said a tearful goodbye to Katya and the other lady Valla, and it was only when I was sitting here this evening I realised that Katya in particular will be sad saying goodbye to dd. Today will be her last day looking after her. I'm glad dd sat on her lap so much today and I got more photos of them chilling out together.

Tomorrow's the turn of the carer who was a bit of a battleaxe on our last day in October but I went on a charm offensive the last day so we're pals now. I won't be crying saying goodbye to her though:)

Brilliant that you've had another lovely day :)

I have been thinking about the carers too - it must be so hard for them, both elated that the children have a family now and yet so sad not to know if they will ever see them again and to lose the (almost) daily contact they have with them. It is really, really, hard to say good bye to children that you have been that close to :( Mind you they are probably a bit more pragmatic than the over emotional chippy! Hopefully knowing that DD has such a lovely, lovely, family will help x

Did you get Katya's contact details? It would be lovely to send a letter and some photos in the New Year - the ones you have taken of them together and some of DD over Christmas with you all.

Hopefully she wont revert to battleaxe tomorrow, but if she does - just think of us all standing behind you! It also wouldn't hurt to cut one day short if she's really upsetting you. Maybe use the time to go out and about and take some photos!

How are DH & DS doing - I bet they are missing you like mad and envious of the time you are getting with DD. I hope they're having some 'boy fun'.

Hi Chipping in
She was a battleaxe on our last day in October. She had a full blown stand up row with the director in the corridor in front of us and all the babies, she wasn't happy with us being there. I'm guessing this is what it was about because she was gesturing to us and mentioned dd. It was very uncomfortable. Coming this time, I told dh she was going to be my project, getting her onside. She was working on Tuesday and it was fine. I was all smiles and happiness and joy and she eventually caved in and realised what a lovely person I am The only fly in the ointment was she followed me into the changing room when I went to change dd's nappy and I was all nervous and all fingers and thumbs so I'm sure she thinks I'm an idiot. Never mind, I'll make her love me all over again tomorrow

I'm guessing it is hard for the carers to see the children go, even if they're happy for them. I'm a teacher (primary) and only have my kids for 5 hrs 40 mins a day and I know how totally attached (not the right word but it'll have to do) I get to them. When I see them with a new teacher the following year, it's always hard. They still feel like "mine". I'm sure it's more intense for the carers because they're taking care of all the needs of these babies, all day long. When dd and the other baby leave on Monday, there will be two more children replacing them and that will change the vibe in the room too.

I didn't get Katya's address because it didn't occur to me until I was leaving that this was their last day with dd. I hope I'll see her in the baby home though. I saw her the day after her day in dd's room, she must work in a different room tomorrow.

Answered Hot.

ChippingIn you're very kind to say so.

"with finally, a happy ending!" - I like to think of it as a happy beginning

You sound like such a caring, thoughtful person IHNYH. When do your dh and ds join you?

Hester - IMHOT posted this a while ago Then they'll come to collect me and MY DD!!!! on Mon 19th. We have to go back to the city and wait for a couple of days to get her passport, then we get an overnight train to Moscow to go to the Irish Embassy, then we're flying home that day and will arrive in Dublin airport at 11.40pm - so Monday :)

Kew - :) Happy Beginning :)

IMHOT - sounds like you have Project Battleaxe all sorted!! I hope you do see Katya tomorrow. I know what your mean about your 'class' children. I bet you are an amazing teacher and I bet all the Mums try to get their kids in your class! When will you go back to teaching? Sept?? No idea what time it is there, but I'm guessing you'll be in bed - hope you sleep well, ready for another great day!