When family are not supportive

[countydurhamlass]

My friend has adopted two young children about five months ago and at first they were very unruly children. however, they have now calmed down a lot and seem to be settling very well. my friend has a sister who she doesnt really get on with and her husband's brother lives abroad. His parents live about five hours away and so the only family support they have locally is her parents. her parents were very supportive and helpful when they suggested adopting and wanted to be heavily included with the childcare (my friend and her husband work). both children are at school and at first the grandparents were taking them to school and picking them up three days a week, and they were going to before/after school clubs the other two days. however, as time has gone on the grandparents have reduced the days they do this down to one saying the children are unruly, rude and naughty. they are now down to one day and dont really want to do that. the children are not as naughty as they make out and given their age i can appreciate it will be harder than they thought. i just get the feeling and i think my friend does too that because they are not her biological children her parents have taken a back seat. they spoil her sister's three children (They dont look after them because her sister doesnt work) but is often spending time with them.

my friend broke down the other day because she feels she is getting no support from anyone and is starting to wonder if she has done the right thing. what advice/support can i offer her? i have offered to have the children now and then to give her a break but she just says she doesnt want to take advantage and that her family should be supporting her more.

They are her children. Why should her family be supporting her? Of course it would be awful for her and the children for the adoption to fail but surely social services would be the best people to help her through this. The adoption process is so rigorous that social services must have been satisfied that she could cope. However they should be her first port of call now.

There are lots of birth parents who have little or no support (myself included). I had to give up work until I could sort out adequate childcare - in my case I used a childminder and then a nursery.

Fact is birthparents cannot give their children back. Once a child has been placed in an adoptive family that family should be forever, despite behaviour or childcare difficulties.

Okay,

This isn't normal bad behavior. These children have probably been neglected/abused, then they have been uprooted completely from everything they knew, then as they settled down again, they get uprooted again! And again, if they had more than one FC. Your friends children are not like other children! They are traumatised, they are scared, they are probably angry, and don't trust adults. You cannot know how these children behave for her, or for their grandparents for that matter. The children you see are probably different from the children that your friend has 24/7, or the grandparents see if they were spending more time with them.

Sadly, family can't be made to be supprtive. A member of my family was not supprtive, and we broke contact. Your friend must be in a rough place right now, poor thing, but she can't make her family be supportive, sadly. I think you have done the right thing offering to help. I would offer to pick up the kids, and I would also offer to be a listening ear for her whenever. I know she may feel like it is taking advantage, but I would still make it clear the offer is there.

I would also direct her to AdoptionUK if she isn't there already, they have a message board full of parents who have been in her situation, and come through. Lack of support and a very difficult first few months are so common. They can advise her, and there is also a helpline available to ring for support.

SS should be offering some support, especially if she isn't coping, though, sadly, some LA's are seriously lacking in this. Also, of your friend seems depressed, she can speak to her GP. Post adoption depression happens.

I have bumped a thread started by a friend in aa similar position - trying to support her friend, with children recently placed

Make it clear that YOU are supporting her!! You can be a listening ear or her, and some help with the kids if need be. Make it clear she is not alone, and direct her towards services (especially AdoptionUK and messgae boards there - and of course she's welcome here as well!)

To alwaysleftout, adoption disruption is tragic, but frankly happens a lot because there is not enough support given! Jeez, if childcare and a bit of 'bad behavior' were the only issues, then it would be a walk in the flaming park!! What do you do if your new child is rejecting you constantly, swearing at you, hitting you, leaving you covered in bruises? You ask for help and don't get any. You don't have a parent-child attachment yet because you only met them a couple of months ago. Your child certainly doesn't love you, and your life becomes a living hell very quickly! Is it any wonder disruption happens? Parents can't cope any more. And yes, birth parents who can't cope CAN place their child in care! They do!

Agree wholeheartedly RipVan - people who are not adoptors should not pass judgement on those that do adopt these damaged children whose past abuse will manifest itself in a variety of ways as you say, often throughout their lifespan to a greater or lesser extent.

OP Rip Van is right about the lack of support. The legislation that adoptors should be offere post adoption support is relatively recent, but because soc srvcs are so under resourced in terms of staff, finance et and this is before the cuts are really biting into our public services, they can rarely offer adoption support.

One of the issues that is covered in the assessment is support sysgtem but I imagine yur friend thought her parents would be supportive, but learly they are not, because they are not attached to the children in the way they would be if they were birth children.

It is very early days for your friend (5 months in) to have the chance to make the necessary adjustments to her life that has been turned upside down. I think the fantasy of adoption often does not meet the reality. It takes times, tolerance, flexibility and god knows what else, to even begin to adjust to the new life with 2 adopted children. Agree with Rip Van that you should continue to offer to help (and not take No for an answer). Does your friend work full time - what about childcare in the holidays and if they are sick - this is usually covered in the assessment.

Yes, tell your friend to get on to Adoption UK and talk to other adoptors
who may be going through the same thing. We never got to hear about adoptors who were struggling as they only told us when things were on a more even keel, as they were afraid we would remove the children. I remember so many adoptors saying how hard it was in the first months (and sometimes a year or more) and how they thought they had done the wrong thing. Your friend is struggling alone. Tell her not to have high expectations of herself or the children, don't beat herself up, be kind to herself and over time, things will no doubt improve.

I felt like this about 3 months after buying a puppy FGS!!

She needs to cut herself some slack.

Oh! I just realised you also started the other thread I bumped! Sorry :)

thanks for your replies, spoke to my friend today and she is much more positive. she knew it would be hard and life changing but i dont think she really understood what it would be like. she works full time in a managerial position and is expected to do well at work so she seems to transfer this expectation to her home life. i think she just needs to realistic and let a few of her standards lower as well as relax a little.

"Fact is birthparents cannot give their children back" - I'm not sure that this is a very helpful response (understatement of the month if not year) as in fact the reason that many children are placed for adoption is that their birth paretns are unable to efectively parent them and have in essence been "given back". How about all the children in care but not placed for adoption? They have also been in effect "given back" by their birth parents.

There is no implication in the OP that the woman in question is planning to disrupt the adoption because of a lack of childcare.

Anyway moving on...

OP I was a professional who adopted and I think if they have taken on two together it is akin to a professional woman who is used to being very in control of her life suddenly having twins but in this case they come with opinions and issues rather than a clean slate.

The lack of support is immensely irritating especially when family have been very vocal about expressing support in teh "theoretical" stages. I also think few people have the understanding of the additional needs that come with parenting damaged children and I suspect that her parents may be sturggling with that - if she is finding it hard to cope, how much harder will her older paretns find it? Added to which it is undoubtedly harder to bond with older children not sute little babies you can cuddle.

Even adoptive parents who are struggling as terribly sensitive to implication thats birth chldrne in the family are treated better than adopted one but I would suggest at least for the time being being that she puts aside that kind of question in her own mind and concentrates on how her parens might be able to support her in a way that is helpful to her and also they are able to sustain. They still love her and sound like that want to help at least in theory, they just find the practice of it a bit much at the moment. She and her DH need to think of something that her parents are able to do and help them bond with their children. IMO it is important for grandparetns to bond with their newly adoptive grandchildrne if at all possible and its hard to do that when you have a strange child (which after all they are to them) and you are being in loco parentis - they can;t just spoil them. stuff them full of sugar then leave them to parens to sort out! They need to deal with childrne who are processing a lot of change and may be resistant to yet another set of authority figures in their life. I'd forget teh child care aspects for a hwile if they possibly can and get GP's to do somehting nice with them (perhapsseparately so they have 2 GP's to one child) for a while to come.

If its at all possible I'd also recommend that your frind considers mocing to say a 4 day week - its amazing how that extra day off (particularly if the childrne are in school for a few hours) can be enough to enable you to cope with the rest of the week.

OP, I don't have anything to add to RipVan's great post, except to say that I have huge sympathy for your friend. Adopting two older children is hugely challenging, and I'm not surprised that at times she is feeling overwhelmed. She can't make her family support her, so she needs to get support where she can: from friends like you, from adoption networks etc.

crystal and always: your posts seemed to suggest you both read a sense of entitlement in the OP's friend's distress. I didn't pick up that at all. You may be surprised to know how little social services support is generally available post-adoption. As a recent adopter myself, I can tell you what i got: nothing. Absolute zilch. And from my friends and family, actually less than I got when I gave birth to my first child. Now, my adopted child is very young and very easy, so I'm not complaining for myself, but even a straightforward adoption is very stressful in a way that having a birth child is not. And to adopt two schoolage children: well, you just can't compare. The brisk 'get on with it' tone of your posts is really inappropriate to this situation.

I was getting very cross at the first two responses - but then I read the rest and felt reassured!

Adopting simply isn't like having birth children. These poor little things have had their lives turned upside down. Being removed from bps, from fcs - all of these moves cause huge trauma in a child's life. And that's before you even take into account stressful pregnancies, drug and alcohol abuse, high cortisol levels........

Given that the children were only placed 5 months ago then I guess the AO hasn't been granted yet. If that's the case NOW is the time to try and get any help she needs BEFORE the AO is applied for. Some LAs are better than others at supporting adopters - I've been very fortunate and we have been given a fantastic package of support for one of our children (not recently placed but whose problems have become more apparent as time passes).

It's hard for both parents to be working full time when you have such needy children. My first was placed over 9.5 years ago and I still haven't yet managed to return to work and given my DS2's needs then I never will be able to .

It's just so very different to having birth children.

For moral support as well as understanding I would heartily recommend Adoption UK. The message boards are full of people who have been there and done that - even some who have come out the other side!

Your poor friend. As a foster carer (and adopter) I know only too well how people turn their backs when you need help/support. When I began fostering (20 odd years ago) my family and friends seemed very supportive. However i have lost most of my friends because they "Can't deal with the behaviour my foster children display". Well poor them!

I learnt pretty quickly that I was not going to receive help with babysitting from family members and now I do not even bother asking for CRB forms for people to fill in in case of emergency.

How old are your friends children? I am not sure about this but I think she is entitled to leave from work to bond with the children. Is that right?

I was not working when I adopted my (previously) foster children but LA would not place any foster children with me for 6 months (bonding time) even though my dd had been placed with me from birth.

I know someone who has recently adopted and LA stipulated that she takes 6 months off work to bond with her ds. She is now also experiencing the same dilemma. Her parents collect her elder ds from school - as they have always done - but are now making excuses about collecting the younger (adopted) child as they find him "hard work".

I have no answers TBH but just wanted your friend to know she is not alone. Once a routine is established and ground rules and boundaries laid I hope the children settle down.

Is there any way you can support your friend through the coming months until she can organise the child care she requires? She may find Adoption UK supportive. There will be others in the same boat requesting support from Adoption UK as children who have been adopted have different needs to birth children.

Hope all goes well for your friend.