To contact or not to contact

[aramass]

This is a bit of a long story so I'll try and be brief. 5 years ago, on a whim, without really planning to, I stuck my BMs name in the friends reunited search engine and she replied instantly. There followed that same day a very brief conversation about where we lived, our jobs and our families, her two daughters and then she said she'd be in contact in a few days as she wanted time to process what had happened. I waited a few days and nothing happened. I left it, I think 3 weeks and then got in contact again. Nothing. So I left it. Then I started to really worry that something had happened to her, that she was ill or something or that I'd really upset her. Those few months really messed with my head as I started to suspect the worst, that she had died or something. I sent her a couple of very inoffensive mails saying 'I can appreciate you not wanting contact but please let me know you are ok. Nothing.

I ended up looking up her address on the electoral roll and writing her a letter asking her to get in touch as I was worried. I then got a very terse email back saying 'I suppose I'll always be looking over my shoulder now' She basically made me feel like a stalker so i wrote back saying 'don't worry, just wanted to check you are ok, YOu won't hear from me again/. End of story.

I then sought adoption counselling so I could try and put it to rest. Then something very very weird happened. I was at a wedding with a colleague. She began asking me about my past and I told her about my adoption experience. She asked me my BMS name and the name of my biological half sisters. Then she told me she knew them and that her daughter was best friends with one of my half sisters. She also told me that my half sister knew about me because she'd told her daughter when they were teenagers that she was angry with her mum for giv ing me up and that she wanted to find me.

This completely threw me. I then felt compelled to contact my sister. In a nutshell, after a couple of glasses of wine I contacted my sister on facebook and got the most offensive reply saying if I ever disturbed their family again she would call the police.

This kind of clarified my feelings. That blood is only that. That family had nothing in common with me and what I was looking for didn't exist. My BM then got in contact a few months later asking why I'd got in contact with sister and that things would have been so different if I'd just waited for her to tell them that I existed (this confused me as I thought she'd known! i told her how I felt and that due to the fact we were both so disappointed with each other that we should just move on.

I thought I had moved on, well I thought I was at peace with it anyway.

I've recently given birth to twin girls and it's unearthed all the feelings I had before. I feel sad about what she went through but also horrified that she could reject her little baby. I also want her to know in a way to say 'screw you' but part of me wants her to know if I'm honest, so she'll want to get in contact again. All the wrong reasons. I can't shake this feeling though. It's my birthday in a few days maybe that's it but I feel really down and raw about it all over again. Oh another thing. She had a child before me that she gave to her parents. When I was given up the situation was that the child thought her mother was her sister. When BM told me about her family she made no mention of the girl and said she had just 2 daughters. This poor girl obviously hasn't bee told and this could be one of the many reasons why my BM was so cold towards me.

Sorry, this has ended up being very lengthy!

poor you.

I think you should have more adoption counselling because you clearly (and understandably) need more help understanding this and coming to terms with it.

Concentrate on your lovely daughters.

It could well be that your BM's family are kept up to date thru' your friend's daughter anyway. But I'd let it rest for the time being, as you need all your energy - emotional and otherwise - for those babies.

Oh I'm so sorry, that is really upsetting. I'm not surprised the birth of your daughters has stirred all this up for you, and I'm not at all surprised that you're still feeling distressed about it.

There's really no point contacting them again, is there? It would only make a bad situation worse. But I think you should get more counselling: this is a really big situation to learn to live with, and you deserve lots of support.

Congratulations on your lovely girls.

Yes. You are right. I think I'm just having a bit of a wobble. Another reason why it seems to have resurged is that when I was going through it all my bm wrote me a long email telling me what she had been through at the time of my adoption. I forwarded the email to a friend telling her to look after it as I didn't want it in my possesion as I would obsess over every single word. Anyway, five years later I feel I want to read it again. Except she has lost the email and it's left me feeling bereft.

Rationally I know I don't NEED to contact her. I'm finally happy, I have 2 gorgeous long awaited daughters and finally a bit of peace and stability in my life. I knew after the counselling that whilst I could never forget or stop being hurt by what happened, I thought I was at least at peace with it. Now it appears I am not. I'm just hoping the feelings will pass and it's all part of the emotional state of being a new mum.

I don't really have time to go for counselling at the moment, nor to contact my BM and deal with all the emotions again for that matter! Sigh.

It's hard.

I'm adopted. Have an ok relationship with BM who I tracked down 20 years ago. She doesn't initiate contact much though and I'm getting tired of doing it. Met BF once, neither of us seemed bothered to pursue further meetings. Children need parents, adults can take or leave them, depending on whether it's mutually beneficial. IMO your BM had plenty of opportunity to reaqssure you she wanted a relationship, through words and actions. She hasn't, and you've got occasional placatory words that probably just confuse. The ball is in her court but I wouldn't lose sleep over it (easier said than done, I truly know) and concentrate on those in your life who have showed they really care for you. Blood isn't much at the end of the day.

Your friend has lost the email? Oh, that is terrible. Can't some geek save it out of her PC, or is it truly lost forever?

I understand that it's not a good time for counselling, but don't try to rationalise yourself out of your feelings. It is completely understandable and appropriate that you're struggling with this, and I hope that you will find some path to making peace with it all. But in the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

She can't find it in her hotmail drafts. It's not her fault at all as she would never have intentionally deleted it but I feel so angry about it. Angry about the whole thing and why oh why after her blatantly rejecting me do I feel compelled to contact her? I feel our last conversation was so angry and it was me who told her I wanted to end contact. It just feels like unfinished business and that maybe just maybe if I contact her then things will be alright and I can get the happy ending I'd fantasised about. Rationally this isn't likely to happen. She knows where I am but hasn't done anything.

aramass, when children say 'leave me alone' to their parents, good parents know they don't mean it forever. A parent who has given a child up for adoption may have their own feelings of regret or guilt, but can't expect a child who has already been 'abandoned' to do all the work repairing and running back, risking more rejection. By all means contact her again telling her how you feel, if not doing that will have more negative results than doing it - but prepare for more nice words not met with real action. 5 years is a long time for her not to have tried to make this work. Sorry to not be more optimistic and I wish you all the best x

Another thing - us adoptees can be guilty of romanticising our unknown birth family - when in reality they will likely be ordinary or could even be downright awful. Your sister, whatever her story - would you ever reply to someone in your position 'don't ever contact again or I'll call the police'? Can you really justify that? Can you ever imagine forging a relationship with someone whose instinct was to treat you, an adopted child looking for her lost relatives, in that way?

Catmilk: You are so right. My sister sounds like a disgusting prima donna. The response of both her and her mother made me realise that I have nothing in common with them, thank god. It was this thought that helped me put it to rest over the last few years. I know I couldn't actually forge a relationship with people who had treated me absolutely appallingly - for whatever reason. Any future relationship would be loaded with anger and bitterness on my part so it's probably best this way. I think it's the loss of the email and the emotions around having my own children that have made this resurface and hopefully the emotions will subside again.

I completely understand how hard this must be for birth parents, I do. But there is still a moral responsibility to the child, and I feel so sad for you that your bm is apparently more wrapped up with how difficult this was for her than dealing with the pain she is meting out to you.

Where are your adoptive parents, aramass? Are they supporting you through this?

If you don't fancy counselling, there are some good adoptee forums around - but what helped me most was Nancy Verrier - she's written a book called The Primal Wound, but there was enough about it on the web, along with other things she'd written, to help me come to terms with things, as much as one can. She has a website, check it out if you're interested.

I don't have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. My brother (who is also adopted) told them what had happened (which I was furious with him about as I'd sworn him to secrecy) and I think they were really hurt, although would never say that. It hasn't been talked about since. It made it all worse that they knew. My mother said she understood but I knew she was hurt and relieved when I told her it hadn't worked out.

Catmilk: I had counselling a few years back and it was absolutely brilliant. She recommended that I read that book, she says it's bit 'self -help' but really good for adoptees. I think I'll check it out. How did you come to terms with it Cat milk? I guess it never goes away does it, although I thought it had. I think I need to tell myself that my life is separate from what happened 'before', nothing has changed, I still have my family, my children and my friends so it's not like something bad is happening to the reality of my every day life.

I think we are scarred forever aramass....but everyone has their cross to bear. I was in sweet denial for the first 25 years, a defence mechanism probably. A tough couple of years depressed in my 30s and I accepted my abandonment issues - and became instantly closer to my also-adopted brother, who had always struggled.

He has since benefited greatly from having a son, the only true blood relation he has ever had (too loyal to our parents to ever seek his Birth Parents) and I have no children so far. Concentrate on yours, you have the experiences and understanding to be such an amazing parent, as my adopted parents were.

As for 'bad'... something traumatic happened to us, but perhaps it made us stronger.

As for the dream of having a great relationship with your BM - how common are great mother/daughter relationships anyway? Ha!

Yep. I was also in denial for 30 years and then it bit me on the arse with a vengeance. I also had a couple of depressed years in my 30s and counselling really helped me come to terms with it all. I can honestly say I felt at peace with the situation being unresolved and awful. Now it's resurfaced. Hopefully I will learn to accept it all again. Like you say Catmilk, children need their parents and birth parents I think can choose to opt out. I really don't think she's sitting around feeling raw and crying. I think her head is so ensconced in that sand that to drag it our would be too much for her to bear. Her loss. They sound like they are all pretty awful and this might actually be the best case scenario. I've managed to find out about my blood relatives but haven't got that horribly disappointing situation of meeting them and then it all going wrong after that.

I think perhaps you are (understandably) viewing things from your very skewed angle.

Birth mothers have all kinds of issues they have to come to terms with too. And while your approach via friends reunited might have initially been welcome, all those repressed issues, fears, social stigma, family secrets issues etc quite likely hit her very fast and very hard after your initial contact. That is fairly typical. She may also feels on some level that she must be a dreadful and horrible person to be able to give up her child. I mean you already think she is and she probably thinks she is. Because what does society say about people like her... She's a worthless mother and not worthy to be your mother. Maybe that's how she's feeling. How easy can that be for her to deal with in top of the possible rejection by you, her family etc.

It sounds to me like she was struggling to deal with it and then had more pressure piled on with your attempts to contact her. It was a bit stalkerish and probably freaked her out, although again I understand completely your need to know. You then contacted other family members because you heard they knew about you without any real knowledge of what sitaution that may cause to her and your BM. It may have been true that she knew, or it may not. Your BM might have told her family she was scared you were trying to track her down, that you were freaking her out, and on top been upset and emotional about everything. The daughter you contacted may have felt scared by your approach too with this proof that you were stalking them and trying to upset her mother and so she had to put up this defensive barrier to you.

Whatever the realities of the situation it doesn't sound easy for any of you and will be deeply emotional for everyone involved. You have had some councelling to help you. It's unlikely they have.

Your feelings now are quite likely resurfacing as you have become a mother. Perhaps if you wait a while those feelings won't be so strong as they are now and you may be able to deal with it better. However I think you'll find they become stronger and your need to know seems quite strong and unresolved.

I think if you are going to contact her again you need to do it through am intermediatery. I am currently doing this while deciding what contact, if any, I want to have with my BM. So yes I do understand much of your feelings because I too am an adoptee. I was scared of my obvious anger at being rejected but know too I need answers to my questions despite my fear of being hurt.

It is early days for me but my intermediatery has already opened my eyes to just how hard it is for a BM and the fears they have too. Quite startling and lots I hadn't considered. I showed an article I was sent by my intermediatery to a colleague at work on how BM's often feel and she was so upset by it she couldn't read it all and said there were so many issues there she hadn't even thought about. I could relate to lots of it because I feel many of them too. But there are many more issues too that I hadn't considered. This whole can of worms is being opened for the BM and repressed memories of your BF, their relationship, the situation that resulted in you rbeing adopted... These are questions you are going to ask her and so is her family.

My intermediatery has also told me that he quite often has to gig the BM up into responding because it is so hard for them but they need to know that we adoptees need answers. It must be hard to open yourself up to someone who is going to bring back lots of painful memories and emotions within you. Very scarey I should imagine. I'm nor trying to excuse your BM's behaviour. But it does sound like you were quite pushy and she backed right of her feelins but also possibly not beinng ready to answer or deal with those issues yet.

I know it can be hard to see the other person's point of view. But the very fact that you are horrified that she could reject you should perhaps speak volumes about how she herself must view herself for being a person who did that...

If you haven't got time for councelling now maybe look at NORCAP. They charge but an intermediatery or support can be offered to you in the evenings and by phone so it may fit better with your situation as a new mother.

These situations seem so horribly emotional for everyone involved. I know they are in my case and can see that you feel deeply with yours still, even if you thought you were over it :(
Big hugs.

Sorry but I disagree when you say my actions were stalkerish and pushy. I left it a whole year before enquiring gently whether she was ok. I wasn't pushing for a reunion and I made that quite clear, I just wanted to know that she was ok. I also think the reaction of my sister was pretty reprehensible as well. I realise that you probably mean well but referring to my intentions as 'skewed' and 'stalkerish' hardly seems fair or helpful.

And why are you assuming I think she is a dreadful person?? I think her treatment of me all these years later has been appalling but that's different. Yes, I have thought long and hard about how utterly traumatic it must be to give up your child and how you would want to lock away the memory and throw away the key but I also think that BMs have a responsibility to expect that their children might eventually find them and whilst they aren't obliged to reunite, they should at least honour their need for contact by treating them with some sensitivity and respect ie an explanation of reasons why contact isn't possible.