Adopted boy won't eat anything, help!

[violetbeth]

We have had our 4 year old adopted boy now for a month now. When he came to us all he would eat was chicken nuggents and white bread and would only drink coke. We have managed to move away from the coke to fruit juice (his cousin loves fruit juice so that helped) but he will NOT eat anything else. I know he has been through a lot of trama, he is starting to settle now and I really want to deal with the food issue but not sure how. Do I go for a softly softly approach or if you don't eat it you don't get anything else or something inbetween? Any help would be great, thank you.

violetbeth your DH needs to understand that young children can derive a lot of comfort from familiar food and very predictable diets.

Your DS has experienced a great deal of change in his life and most of it is totally outside his control. Food is something he can control and the predictability of a restricted diet is probably very comforting for him. Lots of children who are going through unsettling times react by restricting their diets.

I would leave the food issues for a good long time before trying to do anything apart from making sure that a varied diet is available for him should he choose it. He may very well widen his diet of his own accord once he feels more settled.

It's never worth starting battles with children about food. They have the upper hand and will win. Try to get your DH to understand that allowing your DS to choose his own food is far more beneficial to him than any change in his diet would be. Chicken nuggets, white bread and fruit juice cover a lot of bases in terms of nutrients so it's probably not as bad for him as you might believe.

my now 5 year old was a fussy eater from about the age of 2.5 and I've been through the battle of trying to get him to widen the range of food he would eat. Meal times became so stressful for all of us that I decided to just let him have what he wanted.

I encouraged him to help in the kitchen, with no pressure whatsoever to taste what we were making. I just wanted him to get used to being around different foods. He liked pizza so this was where we started, and to begin with he would only have a sprinkling of red leicester cheese on his (the only cheese he would eat), but he would help put the toppings on mine and DH's pizzas too. One day I nipped into the hall to get something while he was topping the pizza and as i looked through the door saw him eating a piece of mozzarella. I said nothing, but as the weeks went by continued to give him this opportunity to 'sneak' a bit when he thought I wasn't looking. In his own time he asked me if he could try it and now will scoff the lot if i'm not careful!
Do you have space to grow some food? DS eats carrots so he has his own patch in the garden to grow his own. Last year was the first year we had in this house and the first time we grew most of our own summer food. Again there was no pressure for him to try anything, just learning to grow it. He harvested the potatoes with me and ate quite a few, with the skins on! It took a couple of weeks of seeing me and DH eat peas straight from the pod and again I caught him sneaking them before he asked to try them. Still can't get him near a tomato, or salad but he has been offered these in a 'help yourself' from the table kind of serving.

My DS did go through a phase of leaving food and then wanting yoghurt to fill up on later and so I did use the approach of if you don't clear your plate you don't get pudding/fillers after. I have deliberately given him small portions, as i'd rather he did clear his plate and have pudding because he seemed to have a sense of achievement this way and we could give him lots of praise. He most certainly has gone to bed hungry when he's had his stubborn moments but I think given your dear little one's circumstances you should not take that approach. Though small portions winning him a suitable pudding might be encouragement enough at this stage?

You have had him just a month, it is such a short time. It has taken me 2 years of the softly softly approach with my son, and now he is eating bacon rolls and soft boiled eggs with soldiers (that was requested for the first time a few weeks ago), and all manner of other things that I could only ever dream of getting into him. Still a way to go mind you but he seems to have turned a corner now and is trying new things on a weekly basis.....

Hi violetbeth I'm not a person who has adopted so I am not aware of the extra difficulties that may go with food issues etc but I have had a share share of food issues and I've also has my share of issues with me and DH not always agreeing how to parent our one DD!

I'd agree with all the wise advice here and think you and DH getting on the same page about parenting and food would be very helpful/essential.

How kids eat at a certain time does not mean it will always be the same.

DS will expand his diet and he is actually eating quite well. But putting pressure on him will probably only lead to things going wrong in other ways. Much better for you all to adapt to each other and get along as a family and gradually he will probably feel more adventurous with food.

I would also recommend a play element with some foods. If you want to distinguish it from main meals maybe make it a fun time mid morning/ mid afternoon etc for a snack.

I often did stuff with DD like fruity faces - make faces from fresh and dried fruit and then eating it - some tinned fruit is also nice and soft to cut (for you) and easy to chew for him.

We have also made snowmen out of ice cream and decorated them with raisons and cornflakes (instead of coal and carrots!).

I usually take a photo of the fruit face or snow man so it is also an opportunity to praise the artistic skills as well. You can make one (and eat it) he can follow your lead - if he wants to!

It's a chance to get messy without worrying about it (new to some kids) and also if the food does not get eaten then don't stress about it being 'wasted'. An opportunity for fun and play is not a waste (as kids we made endless pictures from dried pasta and lentils which no one felt compelled to eat).

All the very best with your lovely new DS, I am feeling misty-eyed remembering the fun we had with food and I am sure you will have lots of fun to come.

Hi violetbeth

It's worth looking on adoptionuk (you can register for free to post on their forum) for some very experienced advice.

A good, user friendly book on adopted children is Caroline Archer's "Tiddlers and Toddlers". I have just flicked to the page on eating problems: she says (summarised)

• Food and feeding are tied up with earliest experiences & easily upset by trauma
• keep meal times low-key as possible, with small amounts of preferred foods and gradually introduce new tastes
• Be aware some tastes/smells might trigger a traumatic memory
• Don't force a child to eat, but possibly limit snacking between meals
• Watch out for particular cravings/reactions for a clue to the underlying issue- even texture of food might bring back something. For instance the nuggets and bread are very bland "safe" tastes.
• talk to him about how it's good to feel filled up with food but also to be filled up with love and you understand it's hard for him to try new things, which is OK.

Patience! I hope otherwise it's all going well. Just like a newborn, the state of play after four weeks is not an indicator of how it will be for the future, hang in there .

I showed husband all your messages and I think he sees where I have been coming from. We have NEVER had an arguement about our sons food in front of him, he is just happy eating along oblivious. Anyway, today husband came back with the very best nuggets in the shop and a white bread mix and currently son and husband are causing chaos in the kitchen making while bread together. I'm very happy at this moment.

good i am so glad.
well done.

Awww... The thought of DH & DS merrily making bread together has made me well up a little! Sniff! Well done OP & congratstions on your new son

Ah violet that is so lovely.

I bet it will be the best bread ever.

That's so cool.

That is lovely.
Well done you for showing him the thread and well done him for not getting narky about it (this is written in a totally non patronizing way - honest [grin[ )

ah I'm having a little sob at your Dh, what a great person not to get the hump as some of us would at critizism he received, and what a great idea of making bread with your son (and what a lovely image).

Well done both of you.

My ds ate cornflakes, ketchup and raisins for ages and eventually broadened, I used to leave little bowls of stuff on the table of other things and we would all grab for them and he did eventually. He now is a ganet.

That's lovely violet Beth

That great! :)

Making bread sounds brilliant. How about adding some stuff to the bread to mix in next time? Sundried tomatoes, herbs, olives, nuts, seeds, even maybe try some cinnamon and sugar/honey and raisins or other dried or fresh fruit for nice fruit bread to toast?

The husband sounds as if he has totally the wrong idea. Keep him well out of it and get him sent on a childcare course ASAP. Never battle with children over food. The only thing he controls is his food so let him and then just gradually have other things there. Don't lte him see for a second that you could care less about his food. Don't let it become any kind of an issue.

another who is welling up at your husband and dh making bread together - don't worry if your ds doesn't eat it as it may taste different to bought bread - but at least they had fun making it

Aw violet now I feel mean as your dh is obviously a star. Good luck, hope all continues to work out like this

How lovely. I am teary too! My dh makes bread with our children and they all love it, especially when toasted. It might turn into a regular activity!

Ah,that's a lovely end to the story. I obviously hadn't seen that before I wrote my post.

Some good advice along the lines of stepping back, offering some of what he likes and some other foods.
The greatest succes for me comes when friends come for tea, let the friend choose the food, after all they are the guest, ( Hope friends do not like Chicken Nuggets ) sitting at a table with peers will encourage even the most difficult to please eaters to reconsider their dislikes, it is with their peers that they will experiment to understand how their friends are enjoying so much the types of food they previously have not been willing to entertain.

I agree that you should not pressurise him to try new foods. We had a similar problem with our youngest adopted DS and once he became more settled (it was a good year or more down the line) we asked him to try new foods to see if "his mouth was growing up" and was able to try something new - proud to say this did work and he now eats a very wide range of foods (probably more than most children!). But everytime we try something new he still asks if we think his mouth is still growing up (he is nearly 9)! It is all about making it fun and not stressful. I really hope your DH can take a look at all the lovely replies on here and feel reassured that it isn't an issue as such in the bigger scheme of things.
Congratulations on your DS and wishing you all the best for the weeks, months and years ahead.

Ah well done to you and your dh.

When my db was adopted from abroad, his sense of time was totally out of synch for months afterwards- my mum and dad used to take it in turns to get up and play with him in the middle of the night; it all worked out in the end.

Great to hear about your DH reading this and the lightbulb going on. You sound like lovely, caring parents and I'm sure your child will be very happy with you.