Adopted boy won't eat anything, help!

[violetbeth]

We have had our 4 year old adopted boy now for a month now. When he came to us all he would eat was chicken nuggents and white bread and would only drink coke. We have managed to move away from the coke to fruit juice (his cousin loves fruit juice so that helped) but he will NOT eat anything else. I know he has been through a lot of trama, he is starting to settle now and I really want to deal with the food issue but not sure how. Do I go for a softly softly approach or if you don't eat it you don't get anything else or something inbetween? Any help would be great, thank you.

I would go softly softly, given the circumstances. Has he never tried anything else? Could you try giving little tastes of other things in a fun way? Or white bread with a small amount of something else on it? a reward chart for trying new foods?

No experience of adoption but we once tempted DS back to food at a similar age following a bug by just letting him eat as he pleased for a few days. What if you just went with the white bread and so on for a while while trying to add new stuff sneakily? If the cousin likes something and can eat it with gusto in front of your son, that might help. You could gradually bring in healthier stuff but it could take a while.

Honestly?

I totally understand your anxiety but you have done very well to move him off coke so soon.

It has only been a month. Give him more time.
It is likely he will broaden his tastes but I am sure you know what a comfort food is for traumatized children.

Personally I would step back for a while.
By all means introduce new foods. Have them on the table for him to help himself but I would leave it at that for a while yet.

I really would advise against the 'if you dont eat you dont get' approach. Just not appropriate for adopted children.
Have you tried the usual things for fussy eaters?
Getting him to cook - kids love to try things they have made
Involving him in the shopping?

Give him time - a month is nothing really. You can always give him vitamins if you are worried.

I would keep offering a variety of foods, but maybe have something he will eat at every meal - and don't make a big issue/battle of it. Maybe gently expand on what he will eat, different kinds of chicken, white bread sandwiches with different fillings etc.

Main advice is try not to hover/coax/verbally persuade too much, it allows food to become an issue of protest or control (I have seen lots of friends do it). Present food he likes and other foods (to help himself to or in tiny portions) and step back, go do something else or talk among yourselves...even a relaxed situation away from the table can help I think (in front of tv or a picnic outside. And lots of opportunities to eat around other children (pre-school or school meals) but if other adults are supervising I would advise them to lay off the encouragement. And helping with the cooking for you guys.

I have 2 fussy eaters and would go along with the let him eat what he likes, he will eventually try more things, it just may take longer than you like.

My 2 are 8 and 5 and the 8 year is now getting really good at trying new things and sometimes the younger one will copy her (and sometimes wont).

Sometimes we do a food challenge where they taste/have a bite of a new food e.g carrot before a meal for 10 days in a row and then we discuss whether or not the taste has improved over the 10 days. They choose the food they are going to try. We have done carrot and peas this year and now they eat both, even if it is just small amounts.

i agree with jimoinycricket - dont let food be a major issue. Put his nuggets on a plate with some white bread and a couple of other items...some peas, a carrot stick.

(get fun books like the chatlie and lola one about not eating a tomato.....)

SOme days just put plain chicken on his plate with white bread. But dont fuss about it, just do it.

sit and chat about your day with him or sit at the table as a family ignoring him not eating, but prasising any attempt to try something new.

Maybe try something new for all of you...like beetroot or artichokes or some strange new fuit. SHow him its OK to try something new and say what you like/dislike. You could have a good game with that. Who will get the last slice of nectarine,,,,

ALso have fun with your food....pizzas made on english muffins in the shape of a lion. Catapiller fruit kebabs.

Use books about food.....the hungry caterpiller for example.

everything is so new for him, he will still be finding his way, so all you can do is nuture and let him develop risks in his eating.

Ask him to help plan the menu for the week...you might find there is more that he likes if you suggest things...like pasta, fish fingers, beans, sausage rolls, ice cream, jelly, cake.....

I agree with mrs de veer

It's only been a few weeks, he has done really well so far. You need to concentrate all your energy on building attachment and let all the food issues go. It's unimportant compared to everything else.

Yes give vitamin tablets if he'll take them and be careful with tooth brushing as coke and fruit joice are hard on the teeth. Talk to your dentist about other preventative treatments

Was he very attached to his foster carers? ( that's a good thing btw). Are you helping him with this eg still having contact, keeping clothes, toys, bedlinen etc

we kept both our dds on the diets they had with the foster carers for about 8 weeks.we offered them food off our plates initially or added small amounts of different food at each meal.its a huge change for him so would keep some things he knows the same for now.

Good advice from Jiminycricket

Whatever you do, don't make it into an issue that the child will become anxious about or turn it into a battle ground.

Taking a hard stance on it isn't appropriate with an adopted child and won't do anything for the budding relationship between you.

I agree a month seems such a short time.
I really would relax and just take things very slowly.

When we had a bit of a traumatic time as children my brother refused to eat anything for tea other than bacon, chips and fried egg. He did this for over six months. My step mum cooked it for him every night and cooked the rest of us a different meal. She never said a word in all that time. One day he just asked to have what we were all having.

Our DS2 was like this. I don't think we handled it very well and mealtimes became a battle ground. We backed off eventually when we realised he was fit and healthy (and the health visitors told us it was our problem not his). He is nearly 19 now and still has a very, very restricted diet but it doesn't seem to be too much of a problem to him. I have given up hoping he will grow out of it.

A month is a short time, and food issues are very common in adopted children. I would not advise refusing him food, since often they have been deprived of food in the past and can have a very deep fear of going hungry.

He has done well to get off just coke in this time, as Mrs DV said. As some more time passes, he may be willing to try a bite of what you're eating and so on. Don't push it for now

You need to look at how far you have came in a month.... no coke is a big bonus already!

Why not have a few nursery friends over and a picnic? Throw in his usual foods as well as strawberries, grapes, veg sticks, homemade sausage rolls, sandwiches on a few types of bread etc...

Get your darling son to help you prepare the food and enjoy with friends. remember if he has not had a good diet before coming to you then food is scary... would you eat something you didnt recognise or understand? Perhaps seeing other kids enjoy and helping to prepare the food will help. A taste is a start. x

I think it sounds like you are doing brilliantly so far. I would supplement with Vitamins definately and maybe some Pro biotic powder in his drinks to build his strength. Leaving tempting bites around for him to choose, I'm sure he will in time. Good luck and congratulations.

Have you done any baking together? Making fariy cakes or biscuits is a way of having fun with food - of course it doesn't matter if he eats it or not its the activity of doing something together. But you may find if he gives a cake to someone else and they eat it he may also want to try to eat cake.

decorating digestive biscuits with icing tubes and hundreds and thousands is also good fun.

Picnics with summer coming up, take the juice, white bread and chicken nuggets with you for the picnic along with other small foods and the cousin

it does sound like you are doing really well and he is eating.

I'd agree with everyone who says that it is early days and you are doing brilliantly (and congratulations too). Have you got any children's cookbooks? There is an "I Can Cook" one with lots of very simple recipes that you can do together - perhaps borrow it from the library and ask him to choose any recipe and then make it together?

Don't try to tackle the issue at the moment - the chicken nuggets etc will have probably become like a security blanket - one of probably only a very few constants for him

If you are worried about his nutrition then try giving him something like a complan drink in the evenings or some multivitamins and minerals. ds2 had severe eating problems when he was younger (hospitalised many times) and we gave him paediatric seravit - we got it on prescription but you can order it from Boots now. its a tasteless powder you add to milk, water or squash but can also be sprinkled on cereals, full of essential stuff the body needs to function properly.

good luck

Thank you so much for all your advice, I am of the thinking of leave him be and he'll get there but my husband is very much of the 'you eat that or you'll get nothing' attitude and it is causing a bit of stress between us. My lovely boy has settled in really well so far, most problems seem to be at night, but everytime there is a problem husband blames it on his food where I know it is much deeper (i I think he does but it's easier to fix the food) He loved his foster parents deeply and was with them for about 8 months before he came to us, when he went to them he ate more but then very quickly just went for nuggents, bread and coke and has been like that everyday since. He still talks to his foster parents on the phone and has seen them once or twice since. Maybe I am just stressing too much, I know, in the grand scheme of things this at the moment is NOT important it is just when my husband is standing behind us watching everything it is hard.

Have you as a couple done any Solihull parenting courses?
They are fab and really give you a great idea about how children develop and why issues arise touch on attachment etc ask your socail worker if their are any courses locally i think they run for 6 or 8 weeks.

You sound like you are doing fine and it is never easy parenting together nevermind with a ready made 4 year old.

It is early days enjoy your son.

All parents disagree sometimes about how to bring up their kids. You only need to read mumsnet for a few evenings to see that.

However it's extra important for adopted child that you have a united front. They may have bad memories of disagreements between adults and feel very threatened..

You can't use " normal" parenting techniques on adopted children, especially those like your Ds who have had very traumatic pasts.just because " eat it or you'll starve" might have worked on your dh as a child doesn't mean it's right for your ds. It won't help for you to feel that your dh is not supporting you in dealing with this issues

Do you think it would help for you and your dh to go on some courses and red some books about adoption? Or joint adoption ok and meet other adoptive and foster carers. Do you have a good relation ship with your sw Or your sons? Have you asked them for their advice?

Oops x posted

Must learn to type faster

Violetbeth, congratulations on adopting your son. He's lucky to have loving parents who want him so much. Everything needn't be 'perfect' from the beginning. Better to work on your relationship and building trust between you, even at meal times, than worrying about the quality of the food he is eating. Just give him what he's comfortable with for now. It's very early days.

You cannot force a child to eat. Attempting to force them to eat is a mistake.

I had an eating disorder by the age of 10. I remember feeling very pressured to eat, from when I was a toddler. My parents did things I'm certain you or any right thinking adult would never do to force me to eat (threats, violence), and it made meal times hell for everyone.

Praise him for finishing whatever he manages. If it's chicken nuggets he wants, that's great. Nothing is forever & hopefully his appetite and curiosity about other foods will catch up in the near future.

If he's stressed - as well he would be given the major upheaval in his life, it's only natural for him to be wary of trying new things. It may make him wary of you if you or your husband are not understanding about this issue. Just be happy and light and sweet to him at mealtimes and get your husband on board. If he's going to make the situation stressful, then he shouldn't be in the room.

Without wanting to sound too harsh to your dh, he seriously needs to go back and reread his notes from the prep course (I assume food issues were covered as they are so common). This childs life has been turned upside down a d food is the one area which he can control and which is comforting and familiar to him. A free weeks is really way too early for your dh to be engaging in some kind one upmanship with this child or teaching him who is "boss".
I know I probably sound harsh but really his approach worried me. You have probably many challenges still to come and its going to be a bumpy ride if he can't loosen up and find some empathy.
Tell him to imagine how he would feel if he woke up in the morning with a different wife in bed with him, in a different house who fed him food that he didn't like. And everyone just pretended this was completely normal and got cross with him for wanting to eat some familiar food.