Birth mother not turning up for contact with adopted DD.

[psiloveyou]

My adopted dd is nearly 4. Before her adoption she had a lot of contact with her BM. After the adoption order was made we agreed Bm could have direct contact twice a year. So far this has gone well. DD has a fantastic understanding of her situation and I think the contact can only be positive for DD.
We were due a contact in April. As usual mid March I e mailed a SW with a list of available dates. We didn't hear anything and last week I contacted the SW to find out what was happening. The SW said BM had not responded to any letters and it was their belief that she had moved.
Now I'm not sure what I want to do if BM should show up at some point and want contact. I truly believe knowing her BM is a good thing for DD but I'm not prepared to have her popping in and out of DDs life when she feels like it.
I am concerned that something might have happened to her. She is a very vunerable lady but I think if anything physical had happened SS would know about it.
Would you give her another chance if she turned up?. If nothing bad has happened I can't really think of any good reason why she would do this. DD is her 7th child and the only one she has been allowed to have contact with. She was so pleased about that so I can't understand why she would disappear like this.

How chaotic was her life before and is it likely to have got worse since? Without prying, is the reason your daughter was offered for adoption likely to impact on any future children - is there a risk that they could be removed so might she be pregnant and wanting to hide it from SS? Finally, might she just find contact on such an (understandably) limited basis too painful to cope with?

I think I would be prepared to give her another chance - I'm assuming your daughter doesn't know that her birth mother has missed a meeting - but it would have to be sorted out in advance and arranged through SS. I think it was a generous decision to keep contact going but you do have to be very structured about it.

Her life was very chaotic and nothing has changed there.

I have thought about the possibility of her being pregnant. I don't think she would think about hiding it but I know her boyfriend and he would. However, it was my belief that after her last pregnancy she was sterilised but it was never confirmed.

I don't think she finds the contact too painful. She was so happy to be allowed it. She has been brilliant in accepting that I am now DDs mum. This is partly due to her SNs and her very unattached upbringing, she is not able to connect emotionally to her dc.

DD was aware we were due to have a contact. I stupidly assumed there would be no problem and mentioned it to her. She hasn't asked about it since then though.

I think I would go on your DD's reactions. I think ultimately if the contact is helping her I would go on with it - in future I would not tell her until it is all confirmed and close to the time. My DD has met her mum a few times and I have as well, and it has been mostly positive although of course emotions run very high, and DD's feelings are very confused and complicated. But she does understand more about her mum and herself and their situation, and I feel she has benefitted.

I also feel nowadays since it is so easy for teens to find their families, that it can be better in certain situations for the child to have grown up knowing who their biological parents are, and to have contact with them in a safe controlled way before they could go off and potentially wind up in an unsafe situation later. Whilst it is painful for your DD when she doesn't show, sadly it will help you explain why she couldn't live with her. Hopefully your DD won't grow up with an idealised view of her as totally reliable

I would probably go on if she turns up soon, but tell DD less about it (as long as not knowing would not distress her). But if your DD became very upset by missed meetings and more than one meeting were missed I might think again, or at least have a serious converstaion with biological mum about what's going on if you or SS can conact her (maybe she doesn't turn up because she can't cope with meetings but hasn't said anything for instance)

I have been much luckier in my situation than most adoptors.
DD has lived with us since she was 3 days old. So she has always known me as mummy and never had to suffer the trauma of several key figures in her life.
So from an early age we have explained that made her in her tummy and loved her but she couldn't look after her so I became DDs mummy. She accepts that and talks quite happily about her life story. The main reason for promoting contact was because we felt it would help DD not to grow up with a rose tinted view of her BM.

BM is a nice lady but her learning difficulties have made it impossible for her to parent. I really want DD to grow up knowing her BM. I have visions of BM being able to attend DDs wedding or other important events in her life (when DD is an adult and able to choose if she wants that of course). I really hope she is ok

I sympathise.

DS has been with us since he was 8 weeks old.
I had such hopes for lots of fairly informal contact (BM is related to us).

It just didnt work out. BM did all she could to sabotage contact and now doesnt even have letterbox.

We still say the door is open for contact but it has to now be via SS and BM has to meet certain conditions.

I feel that she uses these (very reasonable) conditions as an excuse not to see DS because its just too much for her.

Can you talk to the adoption support team for advice?

Another thing I learned after working with BM for the best part of two years so she could get her son back - sometimes you just cannot get into the minds of people and work out why they do things.

My life got easier when I came to that conclusion.