Would I be allowed to adopt?

[cumbria81]

Hello

I wonder if some of you will be able to help me.

For a while now I have been contemplating the possibility of adopting a child but am not sure whether my circumstances would prevent it.

I am single, childless and 29 years old. I work full time and live in a very small flat (although only rental, so could move if need be).

I would really like to raise a child and am not bothered about it being genetically mine. I have no great desire to meet someone nad start my own family and think that there are lots of kids in the world needing homes already.

I've never tried for a baby before so have no idea if I'm fertile, but assume that I am.

I would not necessarily want to adopt a newborn, but would prefer the child to be under three as I think that it would be easier to create a bond if they were younger.

If I am being naive, please (please) don't flame me. I would just like to give a child a home.

thanks!

Good luck to you.

My worry is your comment 'not really bothered about it being genetically mine.' If you are going to apply for the adoption training process the SWs will want to be convinced you really are committed to adoption, have thought it through, and are in for the long haul. (There are more people applying to get on the training than they agree/have resources to take IME). If you're not sure, don't even apply.

I don't mean to sound harsh, just realistic. It's not an easy cop out option.

I had to agree not to work while the child settled in, so be prepared for that. We also had to provide the child with their own room.

You will also need to answer questions regarding your fertility.

Best wishes

Hi cumbria81,

You will need a room for the child to sleep in, and you need to be off work for at least six months after the child is placed, but you must bear in mind that, depending on the child, you may have to stay off work for a year or longer, for instance if your child is not emotionally ready for nursery yet. So you need to be financially ok enough to manage that time off work

I know alot of people choose to adopt rather that give birth, they will go into it in the assessment process. They will also go into what sort of child you could be a mum to, including age then. Personally, I think bonding is mostly about the personalities of the parent and child. I certainly bonded easier with my 10 year old than the 1 year old when he came along, mainly because he was grieving hugely wondering where his mum and dad (foster parents) had gone, screaming and rejecting me, and not reciprocating anything for a while, whereas she, being older, understood what was happening, and really wanted to be adopted, and our personalities just gelled like that!

I think the SW's will view you as a little on the young side, the average age is 38, lots and lots of older people, but it shouldn't stop you, there are lots of advantages to being young and energetic etc.

I think you do need to do research, and really think about what you want. Adoption certainly is very hard for a lot of people, because the children are emotionally traumatised by being neglected, sometimes abused, then taken into care, maybe shuffled around a bit, then moved again to you. So they often have emotional difficulties, and are harder (sometimes a lot harder) to parent than the children of your neighbours and friends would be. That said, it's been the best thing i've ever done. Adoption is something you need to go into with some kind of acceptance that life may well not be a bed of roses afterwards, and that your child may be hard to parent, and need lots of extra help from you, and maybe from others. You need to be able to appreciate small successes and not be driven by academic achievement or anything like that

Right i'll stop the essay now, I tend to go on for ages and not realise how much i've written! I suggest teseearch, and look at the requirement of your local LA as to rooms, work etc. And good luck :)

Hi all

Many thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

I've considered the issue of work. My employer would give me paid leave but obviously not indefinitely and that is the problem. I don't earn very much so don't think I could afford huge nursery fees or take on more than one child so I am not sure how I'd get around this.

I am not proud of this but I really don't think that I'd be able to manage a severely challenging child. I have not had my own child, nor much experience of them, I just know that I would like to raise and love a child and ideally from a young age so I could "see it through" its childhood (if that makes sense). The comment about "not bothered about it being genetially mine" was intended to mean that I am not considering sperm donors or that kind of thing because I feel there are already children out there needing homes.

Anyway, I've done some research about how it works in my local authority and there is an information evening so I think I will go to that and see if they can give me more information.

Many thanks for your replies so far

Something else to bear in mind is that you may not actually love any child placed with you for a long time. And, of course, that child won't love you for sometime - you will be a stranger, there will be no innate bond/attachment and a child may well be very rejecting of you. And when that happens it can make it very hard to love a child.

If you have no experience of children then generally social workers will ask you to obtain experience, usually through finding some voluntary work with children so that's something else you need to be prepared for.

And the other thing, of course, is that the younger the child at placement the less likely any difficulties he or she may have will be apparent.

I've adopted three babies, none of whom have come through unscathed, but one does have significant issues which weren't identified or identifiable at placement.

So what may start as an easy to place child can become less so.

Cumbria81 the open evening is a great start, so you can get a really good idea about the process.
Best of luck to you, whatever you decide x

I think the biggest problem OP as someone else has mentioned, is that you are wanting to adopt a child under 3. Most adoptors want this, and sometimes they will stretch themselves to under 5's. Social workers who have case responsibility for a child in a foster home awaiting adoption, will make the choice of which family they think would best meet the child's needs (ideally this decision would be made by the social worker and the family placement social worker (someone who carries out the assessments of adoptors). Most social workers will want the child to go to a 2 parent family. Your age is not a problem, but there will be the possibility of you meeting someone in the future who will become the child's step father, and this will be another concern for the social workers.

To be honest you may not find a LA to agree to assess you because they already have enough adoptors waiting for children under 3. The real need is for people who can take on older children (middle years aged children) sibling groups and children with disabilities.

You don't say what (if any) experience you have of children and as others have said, all children awaiting adoption will have been seriously abused/neglected by their birth parents, and this causes problems sometimes through the lifespan, dependent upon the nature of the abuse and the age of the child.

You say you don't think you could cope with a challenging child - nothing wrong with that, but I think it means adoption is not the way forward for you. You are still young enough to meet someone and have children of your own - why not go for that instead.

Hi all

many thanks again for your replies. I understand all the concerns you've raised and agree that there are lots of considerations to be borne in mind. I didn't expect it to be straightforward and you have confirmed my thoughts that most of the children available for adoption are older and/or have additional needs.

I have also considered what would happen if I met someone down the line but, to be honest, I don't think this will ever happen :( I am used to being on my own now but realise that being on your own with a young child is not very straight forward and can see why social services might not approve me for that reason.

Anyway, I shall go to the meeting as it will perhaps give me the information I need and take it from there.

thanks again!

Good luck! I hope that when you attend the meeting you will have lots of your questions answered. I am going with the majority here. Adopters for under 3's are two a penny. LA's are crying out for adopters for over 5's. How sad is it when a child of 6 is prevented from having a happy, healthy childhood with a forever family just because everyone (or mostly everyone) wants babies