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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Contact or not?

17 replies

birthmother75 · 30/04/2011 17:46

My DS was adopted at the age of 2. Due to the circumstances (ex-husband's extended family adopted him) I was able to keep in vague touch with him for several years. For various reasons I eventually lost touch with the family.

I know that things did not always go well and he did not have the childhood I had hoped I was giving him by letting this family adopt him.

This was over 30 years ago and still not a day goes by when I don't think of him.

I have traced his current location and have a postal address and telephone number.

I am considering writing him a letter primarily giving him health information about my side of his birth family as there are genetic factors for heart disease and breast cancer of which I think he should be aware. I would also like to offer to answer any questions he may have about the reasons I gave him up to this family.

Could I please ask for the views of those of you who were adopted as a baby / small child as to whether I should do this? Or should I just be content to know that he's still alive and (presumably) well?

Thank you.

OP posts:

LovetoAdopt · 30/04/2011 18:51

Hi BirthMother,

I have adopted children but also my husband was adopted as a baby too.

Recently my husband was approached by a Social Services department by letter saying a member of his birth family would like to get in touch and could he contact them. My husband was very upset by this as he has absolutely no intention of ever finding out about his birth family and feels very strongly about it and his right to choose. He was so upset about it he actually asked me to contact the department that wrote the letter on his behalf as he didn't want them to drop anything out that he didn't want to know.

Because of this I would say it is absolutely imperative that you do this through a third party and give your birth son the option of finding out more should he wish.

You could contact your local social services department or the one in the area you have the address for? I am sure they will point you in the right direction at least. I would mention to them you have some medical info you would like to pass on as this will be something they can tell him which will help him decide if he wants to know more.

I beg you to do it this way rather than try to contact him direct, I know this would have been devastating for my husband and your birth son has the right to make the choice without it being forced upon him out of the blue.

neuroticmumof3 · 30/04/2011 19:31

i was adopted and there's nothing i'd love more than for my mother to get in touch with me.

LovetoAdopt · 30/04/2011 19:40

Of course everyone is different neurotic and I'm not saying her son won't be pleased to hear from her but do you agree it should be done via a third party as my husbands birth family did?

Done directly could potentially be really damaging. Whereas the outcome will still be the same through a third party whatever the decision would have been.

Original poster

birthmother75 · 30/04/2011 21:53

Thank you, LovetoAdopt and neuroticmumof3.

I've re-read my OP and I didn't make it clear that my son already knows that I am his birth mother. The last time I actually saw him (about 25 years ago) he had been told by his adoptive mother before our meeting. Prior to that I was just a family friend who visited every couple of years.

I take on board what you say about a third party, LovetoAdopt, but my only option would be to instruct a lawyer. This was a private adoption in the US. My birth son no longer lives in the state where the adoption took place and I no longer live in the US. There is therefore no relevant SS agency to contact. I will think further about what you say and do some research to see if I can identify an appropriate lawyer in the city in which he now lives. My instinct (what I'd like to believe?) is that a one off direct letter is the easier option for us both.

OP posts:

mumsiepie · 30/04/2011 22:22

I dont know much about adoption, only fostering, but reading your post I would say what he will probably want to hear first and foremost is what you said about not a day going by without you thinking of him. The other stuff will be of secondary interest to him.

Good luck, xx

LovetoAdopt · 30/04/2011 22:31

Birthmother, that certainly does make it trickier.

I'm not sure, having re read my post, if I was very clear but my husband has always known he is adopted but feels very strongly he wants no contact with birth family, that's why I still think it is important to go through someone else, I guess you're right, this would need to be a lawyer.

Your son may know who you are and that he is adopted etc but he may not want to be faced with dealing with this now. You don't know what's going on in his life that may make this a bad time for example.

Of course, he could be incredibly happy to hear from you and I really hope he is. Please dont think I'm being negative cause I'm sure it will all work out just fine. I'm just trying to stress the point that in my opinion the adoptive child should have the choice, and if you send him a letter directly you're not giving him that and that would be really unfair.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Heifer · 30/04/2011 22:32

I was adopted from birth, and as much as I am getting more and more curious about my birth mother, I WOULD NOT want a direct approach from her. I don't have any ill feeling towards her, in fact I am very grateful for the life I have been given by being adopted, but I still wouldn't want direct contact, it would freak me out and put me completely off.

I would however feel able to deal with a 3rd party contact. I also agree with LovetoAdopt re the health info being secondary (although important) it would be more important to get the real story/reasons.

Good luck with it all BM75,I hope you get the outcome you want.

wasthatthatguy · 01/05/2011 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Heifer · 01/05/2011 13:37

wasthatthatguy - Why should you trust a social worker or solicitor or any other third party to do that for you? For no good reason I can think of.

How about because some of us who are adopted (know adopted people) have said that we would NOT want direct contact!

If a letter came in the post for me, directly from my BM it would freak me out! I would be much less likely to reply. If it came from a 3rd party who I could liaise until I felt ready it would make me feel easier about it all.. It's hard to explain.

KristinaM · 01/05/2011 14:42

Hi Bm

NORCAP is a uk charity that offers an intermediary service. If either of you are in the uk it would be worth calling them to see what services they could provide.

I am an adoptee and I would have preferred to have direct contact, along the lines that wasthatthatguy suggests. But everyone is different, as you have seen from just the few replies you have had here. Certainly using an intermediary gives the choice to your birth son

I hope you have some support for yourself, it's a very emotional journey you are on. Do you have friends or family you can talk to about this? Many birth mothers have not spoken about these things for years and the feelings and the story stay frozen inside them.so you still process it as a 20 year old and think of your lost baby/toddler . I'm sorry for your loss and for the circumstances that surrounded it. I hope that you have found peace and happiness in your life since then

Original poster

birthmother75 · 01/05/2011 17:24

wasthatthatguy, I have not read your post nor shall I do so. I have however reported it to MNHQ and asked that it be removed from this thread. I have read enough of your advice to other people to know that you are mad, bad and dangerous.

Kindly leave this thread alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

birthmother75 · 01/05/2011 17:40

LovetoAdopt and Heifer , thank you both for your continuing advice. It may not be what I would like to hear, but it is very much what I need to hear.

May I ask you for further advice please? Having thought about this overnight, I am minded to do what you suggest. I think it would be too complicated to try and use a lawyer in the city where my birth son currently lives. My thought is therefore to instruct a solicitor here in the UK to send him a letter saying that I would be open to contact from him should he wish this and giving my postal and email addresses. What do think of that?

Thank you also, KristinaM . Thanks also for the link to Norcap. I've had a quick look and will look more closely later. You are correct, this isn't something I talk about with many people or very often. I used to be more open about it but too many people reacted with horror that any woman could give up her child so I stopped.

This is also still very early days as I only located my son about 2 months ago. I have told my DH that I have found the information and he will support me in whatever I choose to do. There are also a few friends who know I have a son although I have not yet told anyone other than DH that I have found him.

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

OP posts:

LovetoAdopt · 01/05/2011 19:24

Hi again BirthMother,

I think it would be fine to use a UK solicitor, in my opinion you should keep the initial letter really simple and advise your solicitor that if your son should contact him he can then supply postal and email address to him, rather than supply it in the initial letter as he will then be immediately faced with it.

I would just get the solicitor to simply say something along the lines of -

Dear "Fred",
I have been contacted by your Birth Mother who would really like to make contact with you, she has requested I act as an intermediary initially so that the choice is yours whether you would like to move forward and have contact with her, she sincerely hopes you do but feels it is important the decision lies with you.

I have both a postal address as well as an email address for her and can supply you with these as soon as you contact me if this is your wish. If you do decide you would like to contact her I can be involved for as long as you wish or I can immediately put you in direct contact with her and be no longer involved. Your Birth Mother feels strongly that this should be at your pace and your decision

I can be contacted on the following numbers/email address and look forward to hearing from you.

Yours.
Mr Bloggs

Obviously it will be worded far better than I have done but hopefully you get the gist.

Maryz · 01/05/2011 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heifer · 01/05/2011 22:23

Agree with LovetoAdopts letter..

My only worry, is that your son believes it is geniune and not a spam type letter etc. I guess some personal details will be needed to prove it is real...

I really do think this is the best way forward, but that is from my point of view, who as I said early, never wanted any contact in the past, (and may never want to) but wouldn't be against receiving a letter.

My preferred outcome I think would be 1 letter from me to her saying what a great life I have had and to thank her for thinking of my future etc, the 1 letter from her saying whatever she wanted to say and then no more contact. No hard feeling etc, but just don't want contact...

But your son may want more. good luck, keep up posted

bedlambeast · 02/05/2011 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PoppaRob · 02/05/2011 06:18

I was adopted shortly after birth. I've always known I was adopted and even though I've met some of my similarly relinquished siblings I consider my adoptive family to be the real deal. They were the ones who raised me and provided for me, and my big sister was the one who dried my tears and was my role model in many ways. I do keep in touch with one relinquished sister through Facebook, and bizarrely enough my birth mother is on the sister's friends list.

At the time that my mother gave me up for adoption she signed a binding legal agreement with the Australian Government that neither side would divulge her identity to me nor mine to her. I honestly don't think it's right that decades later the laws were changed and peoples' privacy disregarded... but that's just me.

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