So where do we go now?

[Lizcat]

My DH was adopted as a new born, he always knew he was adopted and his birth mother's name. It was 1972 and his mum was only 18 and she made her own choice.
Late last year he used public records and the electoral roll and traced his birth mother. He made contact just before christmas and it was welcome contact. They have exchanged emails, phone calls, christmas cards, she sent DH a birthday card and he sent a mother's day card.
Apart from voicing my concern of keeping this a secret from his adoptive parents as I feel they will be a little hurt when ever they find out, but much more hurt if they hear about months down the line from someone else apart from DH. However, he is certain he doesn't want to tell them. Otherwise I have been supportive, but not given advice or suggestions.
So DH thinks we should all meet his mum, I feel he should meet her alone first and then if they both want to take it to whole family then do that. I would love to hear other people's experiences and advice.
My gut feeling having read the e-mails etc is that he actually has more in common with his birth mum than his mother and father (his relationship with them is very difficult). He has a half brother who has similar interests to him too.
This could be a wonderful new branch to our family, but equally could blow our existing family apart.
I have no else to talk to as he has asked me not to discuss it with anyone in RL in case it accidentally gets to his mother and father.
Thank you in advance.

I think he should tell his adoptive parents but keep it low key. I think you're absolutely right that they will feel hurt or rejected if they find out that a relationship has been formed in secret from them. If you have children, this could be tricky, especially if they get on well with their new family. Good luck with it all.

How do you think his mother and father would feel about him searching for bm? Would they be supportive or would they just feel very hurt and not understand?

I speak as an adoptive mum and I know that I would be upset if my children felt that this was something that they couldn't talk to me about. We're quite open about their adoptions, they know why they couldn't live with bms and they know as much as is age appropriate. As they get older then I will fill in more of the gaps for them in the hope that if/when they do decide to search then they will do it with my help and support.

Is your dh receiving any counselling or help with this? Maybe someone outside the family, someone independent and able to stay unemotional about it, may help him to decide what to do?

If I was his mum then I would want to know - but given that, as you say, they have a difficult relationship maybe he feels that they won't understand?

I'm an adoptive Mum too, and that would also be my wish. However, I have two friends who were adopted in the 1960's and 70's, and who started searching for their birth parents as they got older. Both of them felt that they had to compartmentalise their lives... not through any pressure from adoptive parents, it just didn't feel right to them to mix the two.

I've had to steel myself in case that happens with mine... especially as their parents weren't just youngsters who knew they didn't have the means to bring up a child, they were people capable of doing harm.

Walesblackbird mentioned counselling... After Adoption will help both adoptees, birth families and adopters to come to terms with being reunited.

All that said, I still think honesty is the best policy, but keep it low key.

I think he should meet her alone. As for telling his adoptive parents only he can make that decision. They might feel hurt he kept it from them because he thought they would be cross rather than just disappointed he contacted them.

Thank you for all your advice. As far as he is concerned telling his adoptive parents is not an option. I have suggested that DH meets her first and then we go from there.
It is very hard being the spouse of someone who is adopted, the way they manage all relationships is very different. I am very fortunate that in the past when DD was born I had an amazing HV who explained so of the excessive responsability he feels for other people's happiness.
I think part of the need to compartmentalise life comes from the way adoption was handled in the 1970s DH seem to feel that his life is compartments as no one passed on any information about his care prior to adoption.
Maryz our difficulties with DHs parents stem from them not taking any pleasure in our DD who they feel they need to constantly tell off for what they consider is bad behaviour - we are talking about asking someone to play with her here. I have made huge efforts to close this rift, but they never offer anything in return for my efforts so after 7 years I have given up now.

I am an adoptee who's in the process of contacting birth family.
My mum is thrilled, particularly as we think we've found my birth mother living not far from mum!

It's a shame he feels unable to share this momentous situation with his family.
It's unfare of him to expect you to be involved in a lie though.

"It is very hard being the spouse of someone who is adopted, the way they manage all relationships is very different"

please don't make generalisations about people who were adopted.

I agree with NoelEdmonds, that sentence is not always the case.
I'm adopted, I don't think I 'manage' relationships differently.

I also understand your DH's concern about telling his family. My mum would be pretty devastated if I were to trace my birth mum. I was adopted in 1982, and it was all so different then. My mum, had she been born in a later generation would have had therapy by now for a host of traumas and traumatic events. As it is, the way she was brought up is to repress things.

In my case though, I have no wish to trace my bio-mum anyway. I have everything I need. Yes I have the occasional curiosity but nothing to spur me in to action.

Sorry if I have offended you GeekCool and NoelEdmondshair. I have had some quite difficult times with my DH, particularly after my DD was born and from the help I had from my HV who is a very experience working with adopted people what I went through is very common in my situation. I away really sorry if I upset you by this statement.
Interestingly DH claimed to have no interest in finding his BM until he came home from work one day and told me he had found her.

I know i am jumping in late on this one..
I was adopted in the 60's and have had a difficult relationship with my parents. My adoption was never discussed at home - it must have been at some point because at the age of about 13 I had this thought that i had been adopted but wasnt sure - so i asked my mum and she said that yes I had been, and i could ask any questions i wanted to then, but never to mention it to my dad because it would upset him, and after she had answered my questions not to talk about it again...
I started trying to trace bm after birth of my first child, and eventually managed it, and met up with her. We only met once and dont have contact now, although i am thinking i would like to actually. It answered a lot of questions for me. I told my mum that i had made contact with her, but in a very matter of fact way. She didnt really take it very well. But I suppose because i havent gone on to have a relationship with bm it hasnt been an ongoing issue.

It sounds like you and your dh have a lot of issues and I wonder if you would consider going to counselling together. It's just this seems to be about more than his adoption.

Given that your dh is an adult and neither of you are close to his family, I don't think it's up to you to interfere in his decision not to tell them. Likewise, I don't think you can tell him which members of his family he can and cant see . it's really up tp him

Obviously you need to agree whether or not your children are to meet their biological grandmother and uncle. I agree that your dh should meet them first , then take some time to deal with it before bringing the children into the situation.