Moving up to Secondary School

[DayDreamingDaisy]

I don't know who in our family is more nervous about this. DS1 moves up to secondary school in September. He has attachment difficulties and is emotionally immature as well as being an end August birthday (he will turn 11 a week before starting in Year 7). Has anyone experienced their adopted child moving up and are there any pitfalls we need to be wary of, or is it positives all the way?
If he gets accepted by the school we want for him they have said that although he is not statemented they are happy for him to do the pre-visits that normally only statemented children do in order to keep his anxiety levels as low as possible and so he knows what to expect in September. This has eased our concerns to a certain extent.
Primary school has been a mixed bag for him and he is looking forward to a fresh start in a new school where he can make new friends that aren't aware of some of the more anti-social stuff he did whilst in the infant school classes.
He is a very bright boy academically so we are hoping that secondary school will give him his chance to shine and find acceptance amongst his peers.
Thanks for any advice you may have for us.
Daisy x

My ds who has severe OCD said before year 7 that she couldn't wait to go as she could be a brand new person.
And I think this is so true.
On the induction days when he goes in, try to get him to be smiley- if he looks approachable, it always helps- perhaps he could try really hard to chat to a new boy so he has a friendly face in September.Maybe even exchange landline numbers- meet up in the holidays. Even if he feels scared inside- no one will know if he looks positive and friendly.
It's a small thing but may help.

Sounds like DD2, who is emotionally immature, attachment difficulties and complex PTSD!

However, she was moving from special primary to a special secondary. They were great with pre visits, listening to me etc. They knew me well since DD1 went there as well!

I think what will make a huge difference is how well school understand and are willing to accomodate him given his attachment difficulties. If they are willing to learn about it and take it board it will be a lot easier. If they aren't helpful with dealing with difficult topics, or understanding his way of doing things, it will be a lot harder

He might well have problems moving up the school if he remains immature whilst his mates do mature. I know the gap between DD2 and her peers hasn't become any less pronounced as she ages. If he's easil led and impulsive it will become a problem if his mates decide to do something stupid. The other thing I find is, my daughter will find friends for herself that have problems like her - don't know how she does it, she just knows who they are!! She was in mainstream primary when she came to me, and within a week and a half, she was a fully fledged member of the troublemakers group!!

A majority of the adopters with teen kids i know have had secondary school problems - though not all. Mostly either problems with work, and the school not really doing anything, or struggling in the environment, or with their friends

I'm sorry I don't think I'm much help. Giving him pre visits sounds very good, seems so far like the school are happy to help

The only other pitfalls i can think of now are - what will he be telling his friends about himself? Is he very private or does he tell strangers the intimate details of his life story?! How are you going to handle facebook? Since it's a great ground for bullies as well as best friends! Harder to get them online as well, since you can't prove they did it! Those are things I have dealt with in the last couple of years

Hope that's a bit helpful

Lilka xx

I can't offer advice from a parent's point of view, but the following may help from a teacher's angle...

• find out who your child's head of year/house and form tutor are. Try to speak to them before term starts and explain your concerns. Then try to speak reasonably frequently and use the school planner to communicate with them if you can't talk to them (most teachers really appreciate hearing from parents)

• see if the school has an inclusion department, which will arrange special sessions for children who struggle to settle (ours has a special group that meet and play with WIIs at lunchtime!!!)

More than anything, don't panic! I've found it tends to be the parents that are more worried than the children

Deaddei - The smiling is a good tip, he has such a solemn face a lot of the time, we will practise this! Also like the idea of finding a friend to meet with in the holidays!

RipVanLilka - he is very open about where he comes from and his life story, sometimes inappropriately so, both my boys have had issues with friends misunderstanding their life stories, until we asked their class teachers to do some work on understanding what adoption is and all is fine since then. As for FaceBook I shudder to think about it! Both are really keen to go on but I refuse to let them until they are 12 (which I think is the minimum age - but some of their 8-11 year old friends are on there already!).

jenga079 - yes the school (if he gets a place) has an inclusion department and have been really helpful so far in explaining what they will offer him if he is accepted there. Also the school is very small which we all liked when we went to visit as he shouldn't get "lost" so to speak and his voice will be heard. He does not know we are worried as we don't voice our concerns around him.

We find out next week which school he gets into and I think from there on in hubby and I will be able to put strategies in place to prepare him a bit more for his move and to liaise with the school to ensure a transition as smooth as possible.

Thanks so much for your responses, each of these helps a lot.
Daisy x

I don't want to worry you with my post but thought you might want some other angles. My DS2 (stepson who I have raised), has attachment disorder. He is very bright and is now 14 in Year 9 (although working in a Year 10 class).

Going to mainstream was very difficult for him. He made loads of friends, but lead them astray and was very disruptive in class and out. His anti-social behaviour and complete lack of respect actually made him even more popular and considered funny and brave by many of the other children. He also became quite volatile and violent -- I think it was the combination of his hormones and his issues, even when medicated.

Anyway, we did manage to get him statemented and when he was eventually permanently excluded due to his risky behaviour, and after a year of him refusing to do any work with a tutor, finally managed to get him a place at a wonderful special (residential) school, funded by SS and the LEA. He is now finally able to work well academically, as he isn't so distracted in such tiny classes. He already has actually gotten a good pass on his biology GCSE is expected to do well in others. His school is also an extremely structured environment with very high adult/child ratios and he is better able to thrive there. He had presented a danger to the other children in our family as well, but we have been seeing some improvement in his recent visits.

I hope mainstream works better for your son.

Oh my goodness ByTheSea what a nightmare for you... DS1's attachment difficulties are kind of the opposite where he is completely overcautious and scared of his own shadow, very easily spooked and very self esteem. Don't get me wrong he has improved massively from our starting point and continues to thrive. CAMHS have said that with what we do for him and with him, by age 16 he should be a "normal" teenager and able to live and thrive independently as an adult. We realise we are much luckier than some.

The issue with not telling people is a real issue as he kind of leaks information at times of high anxiety. We have tried to encourage him to tell us when he wants to speak to someone and we can organise an appropriate adult for him to offload on but that doesn't really work.

I am 99% sure he will get into the school of our choice as it is a CE school and we have maximum entry points on their system and their SENCO told me that the past couple of years only 50 or so of the intake had the maximum entry points. Here is hoping that hasn't changed this year. If we don't get in we will be appealing as DS1 refused point blank to consider any other school apart from this particular one!

The SENCO there is also aware of DS1's situation and I am hopeful we will be able to work together to make the secondary school experience a positive one.

Maryz - I love the idea of the coloured files and timetables, I will be taking that on as it will lessen the anxiety levels for him if he knows everything he needs is in for each lesson.

As for Facebook we have another 18 months to go. As he continues to mature and grow in confidence we can only hope by the time he goes onto FB he will be more sensible and understand the need to be private.

I am so grateful for all the different angles everyone has made me think about, I think we were kind of on the right track but now feel more informed and confident of what we will all need to consider and do.
Daisy x

Just had the email confirming we have got the school we wanted! So we are all really excited! Texted DH to tell him and his words were "we'd better start training him then!"

I have thought a lot about all the advice and experiences on here and will take these all with us on our journey towards September and beyond!

Daisy x

Congratulations :)