Radio 4 drama about a disrupted adoption

[KristinaM]

I listened to this last night on Radio 4 and found it very moving

link

[justabit]

saving for later. thanks.

[Kewcumber]

also will check out later but am rather prone to crying at the moment as DS's brithday around the corner and it always makes me think about he and his birth mothers loss.

[justabit]

um...very hesitant to say this kewcumber as worried I might get slapped down but from all I have read your DS has a lovely life now with you. I say this as an adopted person who could not have loved her parents more.

[Lexilicious]

I heard this too - I was waiting for some awful 'reveal' at the end like the book We Need To Talk About Kevin, but it was beautifully un-sensational, just the couple's story.

I'd love to have a house full of kids one day - DH and I only want to have max two biologically (doing our bit not to exacerbate overpopulation, y'know) so I think fostering/adoption is the way to build that family. Interesting to hear something about the pain of adopting a child already negatively affected by their start in life.

[Kewcumber]

justabit - I hope ds does have a lovely life at the moment and I'm not really a very slappy person if people are well intentioned (as a rule!). Really its a little self absorbant of me to feel emotional about it as I don't know yet how Ds will feel and obviously have absolutely no idea how his birth mother felt. I at least know she wanted him to survive enough to go to hospital when she went into labour prematurely when she could, at 26 weeks, probably have covered it all up without going to hospital and he would never ahve survived.

I really all about me, me, me! I'm just so conscious of what a really lovely child he is and how much she is missing out on and how fortunate I am that I got to raise him.

Benefitting from someone elses misfortune can make you a bit maudlin at times!

[justabit]

Can completely understand what you say (there but for the grace of god and all that). Is a difficult line for adoptive parents (I guess) to walk between ensuring your child knows and appreciates as much as he/she can of the background and circumstances and feels free to explore or not as they wish and is possible. At the same time they also have to be free just to live. I'm glad for both of you. I hope that his birth mother has made a happy life. Perhaps on his birthday she is focused on wishing him (and the person who is looking after him) well.

[justabit]

just finished listening. so sad. it felt very real and I have such a sense of injustice for that poor child who left without crying.

[KristinaM]

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time Mary

how are your other kids coping with their brothers behaviour?

[KristinaM]

thats good news about DD, I'm glad she is thriving in boarding school. You must be worried about Ds2

i think the comments about " sending back" a child ( on the other thread and elsewhere ) are somewhat misplaced. All the adopted children I know who have had to return to the care system have not been at the " choice" of the parenst. Some were extremely violent - assaults with offensive weapons, bleach etc, sexually assaults on other children, killing pets. It was impossible for anyone ( police, social workers, psychiatrists) to ensure the safety of others.

Domestic violence doesn't become ok or tolerable just because the perpetrator is legally a child.

Others were impossible to live with because of addiction problems or false allegations, which put other family members at risk.

Many of these young people could not be accommodated in residential units because their behaviour was too extreme

So i dont think the parents concerned felt they had a "choice" or that they were sending " back" a child because they weren't good enough or measuring up to their expectations. Basically they were forced to make a choice between their children

[Kewcumber]

Maryz - signing himself up is such a good sign, I really hope it might be the beginning of things improving for him indeed all of you. You must fel like it is a step in the right direction at least, though I don't minimise how hard the struggle with drugs must be - as a family our drug of choice is alcohol and have more alcoholics (reformed and not) than is reasonable for any family so I have some understanding of the havic it can wreak. Its one of the reasons people think I am a very dull date as I gave up alcohol about 98% about 10 years ago when it looked like I might be heading in the same direction. I was lucky to be adult and experienced enough to spot the signs and act before it became too much of a problem.

[KristinaM]

that's good news he has signed up himself mary

just remember not to show any great approval of this step or he wont go just to piss you off

[Kewcumber]

just to hijck quickly - DS was doing his occasional "why don't I have a daddy" talk at the weekend. I did the usual response about having one when he was born etc and not wanting to wait until I found one before bringing him home form teh babyhouse and I added a bit I haven't before "I did it becuase I wanted you to live with me and I didn;t want to wait but perhaps that wasnt so nice for you not having a daddy at home?"

DS (in a very soothing tone) " Oh don't worry mummy I am quite used to you now"

I think that is validation as he did go on to say "and you are the best mummy in the wole wide world" (how long does this phase last?!)

[Littlefish]

Kew - dd is 6 soon and still tells me daily that I am the best mummy in the whole wide world. That is, when she's not telling me that "I won't be your daughter anymore if you make me eat vegetables".