Could do with a bit of quick advice from experienced adopters.

[thefirstmrsDeVeerie]

Hello all,

Some of you will know my circumstances re adopting great nephew and some of the difficulties re his birth mum.

Just want some quick input from anyone who remembers [because I dont really want to put it all on her at the moment]

She has just sent me a 'how is xxx?' on FB. I have ignored friend requests because that would be wildly innapropriate.

I feel I have only two options here
a.ignore
b.answer with a short letterbox type message.

Dont want to say 'please dont message me' because it would wind her up and is a bit pointless.

She is toxic and has caused no end of problems but she is his birth mum and I want to keep things open.

Our situation is different in that she is family but I still have to protect DS. SHe knows where we live and could easily get our phone numbers etc so its not as shocking for uus as it would be for a non family adopter IYSWIM.

What would you do? Adoption support is not open today. I know I dont need to do anything right away but would appreciate some wise words.
Ta

well you know I have more experience than you but if its an opinion you're after I think in your shoes (given the connection) I would stick to a very short repsonse

"Thank you XX is well, he is now walking, talking blah blah and his favorite thing at the moment is blah

Regards

Mrs Devere"

What else can you do - you know her and if you think that saying "please don't message me" would inflame the situation then no point. Personally I wouldn't ignore it either if you want to "keep things open". Just stick to something very bland and uninteresting so that it doesn't promote a further email. If there is any chance that she is mellowing then this will give her the opportunity to keep emailing. My trick with my father who I want to keep in touch with but don't want a close relationship with is to wait a while before replying then keep it short and uninteresting.

Good luck

Good idea Kew. I will wait a few days.
The difficulty is that you just never know what her motivation is. She is such a screwed up person that she could be up to just about anything.

But I still dont want to write her off.

Thanks Kew.

Wow, this is such a difficult situation for you, Mrs Devere. Kew speaks good sense, as usual, but I'm struck about the tone of your post. You normally sound so - I don't know - confident and clued up. Is there any reason why this has particularly rattled you? Do you have a bad instinct about it?

Wishing you the best of luck. I really admire how you combine being clear-sighted about your ds' bm without ever losing your composure or compassion. On here, at any rate!

Hi maryz and hester,

I spoke to adoption support today. They suggested a quick note to say 'he is fine' but then to say I am happy to write a bit more but NOT on FB. I may be old fashioned I just do not feel FB is appropriate for this sort of thing.

That way BM is not circumnagivating the letterbox process but I am not ignoring her natural desire to know how DS is.

SS suggesting saying I am happy to do an annual update but I said no. It is really important not to promise bm anything or even suggest it really. She will leap on it and use it as a stick to beat us with i.e. that would become [in her head] its MY RIGHT to have a letter and a visit and photos every year on my birthday.....

hester it has rattled me. Contact from her always does because it is so emotionally charged and complicated. It is impossible to work out her motivation. It could be anything. It could be that she just wants to know, it could be that if I answer she gets access to basic info on my FB [not a problem as nothing she doesnt know], it could be the start of something much bigger, she may be planning some sort of campaign because she is probably a bit bored. She really is that screwed up.

She also behaved in the worst possible way when my DD was dying. Unimaginable.
So whenever she starts making demands, however small, I am forced to examine my own motivations for any decisions I make. Am I saying no because I want to punish her, or am I really doing it because its the best thing for DS? etc etc.

She also has impeccable timing. Things have been very stressful at home lately. She may know this or it may be a coincidence.

Its all a bit mad

maryz that made me laugh. Men do have a way of cutting though the emotional bollox dont they

She sounds an absolute nightmare. Thank god for your ds that you are his mum now, and not her. I cannot imagine coping with my dd's birth family knowing who we are and able to invade our family. You, of course, had no choice.

Your way forward sounds a good one. When are you going to respond on FB?

Can I just ask: what support do you get from the wider extended family? Are they all rock solid, or has the bm's behaviour caused divisions among your relatives?

Don't answer if you'd rather not!

i agree with kew and everyone else . There is no point in saying F off as she will just get more annoyed and bug you more. And when Ds is older she will use it against you, that she tried to have contact and you stopped her .

I knwo its not like many other adoptions ,where contact is teh only way the BM knows that the child is OK. Obviously she already knows all this from the extended family

i agree FB is not the right place, but in fairness to her, that probably didnt occur to her. And it might not ( fingers crossed) be the start of some grand plan of harassing you again, she maybe just thought she would message you. maybe she just feels the need to do this occasionally so she can look DS in the face and tell him that SHE didnt stop contact. Who knwos..........

so keep calm, keep breathing and carry on

a polite letter with basic information is the way ahead, for now

and block her on FB

forgot to say, sorry this is such a stressful time for you now. am i right in thinking its the anniversary of DDs death around this time of year?