Good books to give to children who have just been adopted

[duchesse]

I was wondering if people could help me choose a few books as gifts for some friends who are about to adopt a sibling group of little UK girls aged between 1.5 and 5 years old.

I don't want to give any more details about them but I need books suitable for every age between. I thought that "Will you be my mummy?" by Allan Ahlberg might be a good choice, from memory, but it may not be suitable for a child who may have been through trauma (abandoned child all alone theme).

Do you have any better suggestions please?

www.baaf.org.uk/res/pubs/books/book_findfamtom.shtml

are you sure this choice should be coming from you and not the paretns

I would be reluctant to chose a book like this for a few reasons: parents probably been given a few titles they might to look at, parens need to like the boko too, and well it just feels a bit too personal coming from even a close friend. I would have been very startled if anyone bought DS a book on adoption as a present.

Unless of course they have asked you to get them.

Otehrwise I'd be more inclined to buy nromal books for each age group and avoid those based around happy families - so book about animals trians etc always a safe bet.

I take your point, Kew. I suppose I mean "normal" books with finding new people to look after you as a theme, like "Will you you be my mummy?", not books specifically about adoption.

Our friends have not been given any lists of anything (yet), not even an outline of the kind of equipment they will need. I suppose that the SW may do that in the very near future, but there doesn't seem to be all that much time left to pay for everything they're going to need.

For a book about unconditional love - which is ultimately the base for their new little family - I would go for this one

MPD

"I suppose I mean "normal" books with finding new people to look after you as a theme, like "Will you you be my mummy?", not books specifically about adoption." LOl I would count that as an adoption book!

I would just feel (personally)uncomfortable about someone else buying my new child that kind of book - I'm not sure I can articulate why I just would. No doubt others wouldn;t feel the same.

IMVHO stories about unconditional love etc really need to come from the parent and be something they are comfortable with reading particularly as they are very unlikely at this stage to be feeling anything close to unconditional love and need to use a book that they are happy to "fake it" with.

But as I say perhaps other people don't feel the same.

misspolly, that looks lovely! I didn't know that one.

Kew- I would very much welcome your thoughts about why you wouldn't feel comfortable with it, preferably within the next few weeks, so that I don't commit a terrible faux-pas. It's just exactly the sort of book I would certainly give to a birth child as a present, but this is my first experience of adopted children of this age among my friends (last one was 8 mo). Obviously adoption, particularly of children of this age (vs babies) is very different.

I don;t want to over egg it duchesse as I'm others wouldn;t have this foible but there are so many things to consider when choosing the right book if its meant to be a way of discussing adoption, race, birth parents, neglect or abuse, have they spent much time moving between places etc which would affect what I am happy to read as a new adoptive parent. Wouldn't be an issue so much with the youngest but at 5 books can raise questions which you need to be prepared to answer/discuss which if someone else presents a book to a 5 yr old is difficult to tackle at the point that you want to.

Nice books about unconditional love and forever families are all very well but perhaps a five yr old unconditionally loved her birth parens and might not be at all happy with the idea that she has to consider these new strangers her new parents who will unconditionally love her and that now everything is just going to be fine and dandy.

But its easy to resolve - just ask the paretns what they think! I think there are some lovely books around which aren't about adoptions etc but about being scared of things eg Dear Bear, or something that addresses differnce like Todd Parrs book.

Agree completely with Kewcumber. As a friend of the new parents, there are many other suitable gifts you could buy to welcome the new children.

IMO any discussion of how the children are reconciled to their new circumstances are entirely for your friends and their social workers.

Last time I bought a present for a newly adopted child, it was books suitable for any child of that age. I totally agree with Kewcumber - it is for the parents to choose the adoption-specific books they want their children to read at this point.

I do think the sentiment of wanting to give something that acknowledges the journey they are on is very kind, though. When I recently adopted, we got almost no presents or cards - in stark contrast to when I gave birth to my first child. I don't know if this is just second child syndrome, or about people being unsure how, or if, they should acknowledge and celebrate adoption. It is lovely of you to want to do this for them.

What about Paddington Bear? Doesn't talk about unconditional love which may not be appropriate for an older child - the story does involve 'adoption' but not in an in-your-face way.

And I do hope they're not waiting for SS to provide them with a list of what they need to buy - if that's the case then they're going to have a mighty long wait!!

I can't help feeling, also, that it's making an issue of their "otherness"; you are giving them a present that says "here, this is a suitable present for adopted children" that is different from the gift you'd have bought for a new biological child. Now, obviously to an extent you have to buy something different, because they are older and probably wouldn't appreciate rattles, but it would seem more sensitive to get a present that only differs because they are older and not because they are adopted -- just get them nice books (perhaps books your DC particularly enjoyed; if your friends don't already have children then they will have a whole five years of childhood library to build up in one go) that steer clear of the whole area of adoption and family creation.

didn;t everyone esle get a booklist at their prep course both for adults and childrne? Maybe I just had a good prep course.

My prep course was so long ago I can barely remember! I think our social worker gave us the BAAF publications catalogue with a number of titles highlighted.

It's a bit off-topic, but I have been astonished at how little preparation you get post-prep course. Given the long time that often elapses between that and placement, I would have expected a follow-up, focused more tightly on how to settle a new child in etc. Or even a booklet. We've had nothing, barely even any visits.

You might find if they have been in care, and coming into a previously childless home, they have missed out on a lot of lovely childhood classics: Bear Hunt, Gruffalo, the Tiger who came to tea, a little package of some of those would be great.

I would steer clear of the family theme, my DS was given a book about a dinosaur who changes families (Tyrannosaurus Drip IIRC), I think it was in Bookstart box or something. It upset him really badly, he said he never wanted it again. They might not be able to articulate it but the emotions are just under the surface.

OK, just noticed PL has said the same thing! oops

Hey! I said it first! "avoid those based around happy families"

See, this is exactly why I asked, so thank you very much all! Will steer well clear of family focussed stories then. Paddington is an excellent idea.

And what greenlotus said is exactly why I wanted to get books.