Read this last night...and have been feeling like a total crap-weasel ever since...

[misspollysdolly]

Last night I went on the 'Trauma Adoption' blog site and - intrigued by a post that sounded really positive AND from the perspective of an adopted child, I thought I'd have a read of this post.

While I can completely hear what this chap is saying, and agree with him wholeheartedly, it has actually made me feel awful. His warning that your child will know and sense any negativity, struggle - or dare I say it - regret and suggestion that this must never become a part of your relationship is just too hard for me to achieve. I fear that - based on this blog entry alone - there is irreparable damage and that by not being 'perfect' or of the 'highest character' I am responsible for that damage.

DD and I often argue or clash and I do often feel frustrated and sad that it is so hard to parent her sometimes . I cannot achieve the high level of parenting that this guy describes - I am human and I have real feelings that are actually as important as my DD's. I also feel that alongside unconditionally loving DD, which I do above all else, part of our role as parents is to expose to the whole spectrum of emotional 'stuff' that real life will throw at her. If her behaviour has disappointed me, or embarrassed me, or upset me I tell her - just as I tell her that she has made me happy/proud/impressed. I just have always figured that if all she gets from us is a veneer of perfection, she will never be prepared to cope with living around other people who will not treat her as special or emotionally fragile and who will therefore deal her 'blows' of one sort or another that are too harsh for her to cope with. Is this so wrong?!

I'd love to know your reactions to it too. I know he's not wrong, but I wonder if he were the adopter and not the adoptee whether his perspective would be the same. I'm only human, I make mistakes - some of them pretty awful - but somehow we are still here as a family and we do love each other.

MPD

Sounds like you feel guilty that you have not loved your child unconditionally, like every parent, adoptive or biological, should. All you can do is try harder.

What I find sad about your post is that you try to justify your feelings of regret and put your emotional needs on par with your child's needs. That's not what parenting is about. You chose this child - they are more important than you. Period.

That doesn't mean that you have to say 'That's nice, dear' like some kind of automaton - every time she does something disappointing. That would be bad parenting. But you can't mistreat your child emotionally and justify it by saying you're doing her good by exposing the 'whole spectrum of emotional 'stuff' that real life will throw at her'. That smacks of cowardice - own up to your bad behaviour and correct it.

I think the one to decide if you are doing a good job is your DD and yourself. Do you freely argue with your DD or is it part of your attempts to discipline her. The amount of protection we give our children is dependent on their development. Yes we need to expose them to reality but only as they can handle it and with lots of praise and rewards for even the smallest right thing they do/say. That you are so upset about your perceived failures suggests that you care a lot and are willing to do things differently if that is what is right for your DD and you. Ignoring your own needs to give everything for your DD teaches children to not respect you and others.

misspollysdolly just wanted to pop on and say hi. I am sorry that this post (yes, I read the one you linked to) has upset you. I am not an adopter or an adoptee so I maybe can't say, but I am a parent and I know it can be hard. I think that one thing that might be true to say is that there may be times when we feel parenting is hard, and actively do not like the way our children, biological or otherwise, behave. Maybe one thing is that although they may make us cross and we dislike the way they behave, we do not ever want to convey to them that we do not want them, that we regret having them or adopting them or whatever. I think that is what the other poster was getting at. I would agree with that. So if behaviour is difficult we can say we do not like that behaviour, but that does not mean we cease to love the child or want them. If we do feel a lack of love at times maybe it is right to talk to someone else and get help and advice but not to burden the child with that.

Anyway, I?m sorry you feel sad about the post and if you are feeling stressed about anything I hope you have some support and help where you are with any things that are causing friction or problems. The fact that you care about all this shows that you are thinking about your parenting, which is a good sign ? I know it is easy to take things for granted and we all need to take stock sometimes of how things are going. All the best.

MPD - I have thought about this quite carefully and read the post which set you thinking also quite carefully.

I think you are projecting a lot of how you feel about your paretning of your DD onto the post you linked to. He talks about unconditional love and never allowing any hint of regret or second thoughts ever be communicated to your child. He doesn't say (and I doubt thats what most people mean) that Unconditional love means putting up with any kind of behaviour from your DC's and smiling benignly.

When DS asks me if I love him - I always give him a list of when I love him - "I love you even when you are asleep, when you grumpy or naughty, and when you wake me up early in the morning, I love you when you make me laugh and draw me pictures and I will always love you like that".

However I have been known to turn into a shrieking harpy when he's driving me demented - however, as you say, I'm only human.

I don't know if your discipline of DS is over the top - its impossible to say without knowing you both. Only you or those close to you can assess that. I went through a phase with DS where I just seemed to be telling him off all teh time, I felt like I was constantly cross and nagging. I took a conscious decision to ease off a bit - not to let him do really antisocial things in front of others but to me a bit more relaxed at home.to just correct him in public but not turn it into a lecture and afetr a few weeks it did work for us and things calmed down a bit.

But from memory I recall your DD might have attachment issues which are out of my experience and may require firmer boundaries.

My heart goes out to you because you sound so conflicted about the right way to parent her but in your OP even you sound a bit uncertain about whether your balance of correction and praise is too skewed towards the correction end of things - if that is how you feel then you're probably right. She's only 10 and whilst an important part of parenting is making your children robust , you do have some years to do that yet.

I wish I could give you some better advice but perhaps you don't really need any, just to talk to someone and to find the answer within you?

Feeling frustrated and angry with our children does not equal regret that we adopted them. It certainly does not feel that way for me any more than I regret giving birth to my biological children.

I do think we have to be much more careful about how we discipline our adopted children and the things we say.

So many of our children have attachment problems and issues such as ASD. These things compicate matters even more.

Guilt is part of parenting. Its important we examine why we feel guilty and are then really honest with ourselves about what we can do about it (if any).

I often feel I am not being as good as I want to be but I keep trying.

What else can we do?

I kind of agree with what this guy is saying because we have special gaurdianship of my gs who is 3. This is exactly the same as adoption only for birth families. We had to go through exactly the same assessments and processes. We love him unconditionally and have to cope with challenging behaviour. We have had our gs since birth and told he must be aware of his parents but in a simple way. We just can't seem to fill the gap of birth parents even though they have shown little interest. He seems very aware of his situation and can be very emotional. Even at this simplistic stage. We are blood related but he feels the rejection by birth parents.

ok, I'm not an adopter or an adoptee, so maybe I know nothing, but that post looked like a load of b***ks - honestly!! That even if you mentally what did he say..."break the contract" then they will know?? Rubbish!!!! Does being adopted impart them with super powers? I don't think so!!

Many many (many!!!) parents have doubts about having children, or they get off to a bad start or they have difficult children - does this mean that those children know the second the parent has any doubts??

Many parents (amazingly enough) are human and do their best, and just navigate their way their way through unknown territory to the best of their ability.

And Scarabeetle - when did the OP say she had acted badly??

I think MORE parents should make their children aware of the consequences of their behavior etc. I done kindly, and not for each and every little thing. (and dependant on age) There would probably be less crime/ bullying etc.

And yes, children's needs need to be put first but parents are important too - we shouldn't all scrape around like martyrs.

IF done kindly....

and if I'm honest like purpleduck I did raise an eyebrow at his posting language. I'm guessing he lives in California...

As an adoptive mum can I say a big thank you to purpleduck for her fab post.

Misspolly - please steer well clear of any blog site which chooses to call itself "Trauma Adoption".

aw cheers noel :)

I think I am understanding this differently. It is how the adoptee feels and nothing to do with discipline. I am reading it as if the adoptee has a feeling of rejection within from not being with birth parents. That they may challenge and look for rejection from adoptive parents through being challenging. Making you prove that you love them because they really need to feel it. So handling it becomes difficult because they are looking for any signs of rejection because they have had the ultimate rejection. Within a perfect world we would all be with birth parents. BUT these birth parents cannot priortise or love their own children as they deserve. Some suffer awful abuse, so some adoptees are testing adoptive parents all the time.
They need lots and lots of love to help cope with their feelings.
Also birth children can be challenging to birth parents and love for a child is unconditional. It is the hardest job in the world being a parent and I question myself all the time with one of my birth children who is a teenager. So some things can be read into too deep as problems can appear with any child as they are all individual.

(where she's been hiding since Saturday morning)

...will post proper reply after that...

Hold onto your hats...this could be a long one ...

Thanks for all the responses. I posted mostly because I was interested in your reactions to the blog entry, not so much because of how I feel about DD sometimes, but have appreciated reading all that you have written - and even the occasional minor flaming...

When I posted, I had been mulling all night over how the blog entry had caused me to react and the depths of feelings it had stirred in me. I was annoyed with myself for feeling so churned by it and yet interested too.

I think my overriding feeling on reading his post, however, was just one of frustration that this adoptee suggests that for the sake of your adopted (or arguably ANY) children (and I have both adopted and birth children) you must NEVER show them any negativity or struggle in how your parent or relate to them. My reaction to this was just a feeling of defeat I guess - that there has already been quite a lot of struggle in our little fmaily and that this expectation of parenting (for me) is actually impossible - if I also want to be human! I am very consistent and at times very deliberate in my parenting (of all my DCs, but esp DD with her attachment issues), but I do often wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to expressing my feelings and emotions.

My feelings of sadness, I think, came after all my mulling (a whole night is a loooong time to mull!) I had remembered some of the times with DD when there has been negativity and struggle in our relationship - especially dwelling on the worst of those times -
and just felt like - based on the opinion of this one adopted blogger - I had already fallen short of the picture he paints of how adopted-family relationships should be.

I am appreciative of pinkchoccy's post - which I think I pretty spot-on. It is very hard to parent a child whose 'internal working model' is hard-wired to sense or perceive rejection and who experiences the world with themselves always at the centre (I know all children to this at times and to different extents, but I think adopted children are more inclined to always be thinking, where am I? who is caring (or not) for me? Do I trust them? how do I keep my self safe/fed/warm? etc etc). The blogger is therefore right - your child is much more inclined to sense and react to ANY feeling or perception of rejection, hurt, pain (physical or emotional) disappointment or whatever to a greater extent. His suggestion that this should not be part of your relationship is - I feel - a step too far, though. I think it is fairly impossible to parent so deliberately that your child cannot sense any negativity - because, quite frankly, they will seek it out anyway.

Hence my statement that my DD needs to experience the whole spectrum of emotional experiences safely - in life, no-one else will deliberately keep struggle or negativity from her - if she's persistently late for school/work, she will have to deal with the consequences. If she upsets someone, she will have to experience their upset or anger. So I do not keep negativity from her, but we talk A LOT about emotional and social stuff so that she can learn more deliberately how to relate to other people, still feel loved and accepted by us, and feel as safe as it is possible for her, given her little 'attachment foibles' .

The only bit of this thread that hurt was the suggestion of 'mistreating her' emotionally. I think it was clear in my original post that this is always my greatest fear. Oh, and I genuinely do believe that - while her needs are a significant priority for us all - my emotional well-being is equally as important. If I (or DH) or in bits, then our whole family life will inevitably suffer. Believe you me, it has taken a great deal of therapy support to be comfortable stating this fact.

Thanks for your responses. I am glad that I came out from behind the sofa... MPD

MPD

Don't let one hippy get you down.

Ta....

Hi NoelEdmondshair,

I am the main site moderator of TraumaAdoption.org - please note that this site IS focused on parents and kids who have been foster and or adopted through social services. Most of these children have been through circumstances that you can't even imaging. They have often been hurt physically and emotionally or neglected terribly. These are the children of PTSD, the children of Reactive Attachment Disorder, the children of ADHD due to how they have grown up.

The site is a support group for this kind of foster and adoptive family. Before you cast doubt on the veracity of the site's content - please browse it.

Best Regards,
MatthewS

misspollysdolly,

The poster of the introduction is, without a doubt, a person who's late adoption from a rough background who is doing the best he can. You should take his observations understanding that his life has been ruled by deep fear that everything in the world is a life threatening danger. You shouldn't take it personally but you ought to approach his writings with deep compassion. Attachment disorders are very difficult on the child, the siblings, and the parents.

Best Regards,
MatthewS