How to tell DS about friends disrupted adoption

[adoptionnamechanger]

Regular who has name changed because the other childrne in the OP might be identified through me as DS and I are quite identifiable especially by the photos and the new school uniform . But will be happy to confirm identity to those who know me if you PM me.

Mind you as Kristina would say - we don't really get trolls on the adoption boards!

DS has a friend - same nursery now same school who is waiting for her adoption to go through. She was placed with her older brother about 2 years ago and for various reasons the adoption has been delayed. Now th eolder brotehr has been taken back into care on the recommendation of a court appointed psychologist due to various problems that make it inadvisable for the siblings to be adopted together.

Dispution only happened a week ago and I need now to decide what to tell DS who has already asked what class he is in (none - has gone back to city of origin).

I'not sure if DS has processed that they are adopted too but am scared that it will raise issies for him about the permanency of adoption.

So far my thoughts are to tell him that the Judge decided that the child needs differnt parents to help him be happy and kind to others. DS knows that the Judge had to be very sure that I was the right mummy for him and it took along time and I had to prove lots of things before they would agree.

Any advice - it's slightly out of my experience. I can't leave it too long as DS will inevitably ask his friend if I leave it.

HELP!

I wonder if I should contact local adoption team for advice?

This is outside my experience but I did want to reply just to encourage you. I have no idea but if you explain it well I would hope your child would not see it as any kind of threat to him. I would certainly ask advice from local adoption team.

If you do decide to talk about it, I would just be honest and try and be positive about it being best for other child. Give plenty of time for the chat (no distractions) and make sure your little one is comfortable by asking neutral questions. I know it sounds so obvious (so ignore me if it is too bl**dy obvious), but don't use leading questions like are you worried about this that or the other, rather how do you feel. Etc.

I would imagine your child will be concerned for friend but may not worry for self but if he does you can reassure him.

All the best.

"If you do decide to talk about it" - oh I really don't have any choice about this - I know DS will raise it nd his friend is likely to say that he has been sent somewhere with a dungeon because thats her current story apparently!

I may well be overthinking it but just wanted szome ideas as to what other people think a good way to phrase it would be.

I'm not sure he has really connected that they and he are both adopted and that this otehr childs position but be relevant to him but I know that he will be very unsettled that a child had toleave their paretns and go and live somewhere else. I'm sure most childrne would.

tough Maryz because DS is only 4 (nearly 5) and I don't think he will distinguish between foster and adopt and to all intents and purposes they are the childrne parents (call them mum and dad etc) and has known th efamily for 2 years as X and Y and their mummy and daddy. Fear it will lead to a whole raft of questions about who is really a mummy/daddy and who isn't.

I have already spoken to the mum and she has suggested to say that he needed special parens and the judge said he had to have different parents. Obviously I am following her lead so that the story is consistent I just wondered if anyone had any better ideas.

The little girl is (to my mind) quite distressed added to which she started school a week ago (a few days afetr her brother went). What ever the treatment she got, her brother is the ONLY continuous person in her life and now he has gone too and she has gone from being a sibling to being an only child. Its a lot for a four year old to deal with - would dearly love to say more but fear I will out myself and the child will become identifiable to anyone who is local to me.

Its very sad.

i agree with mary

"I would keep it as simple as possible - simply saying ds's brother doesn't live here any more, he has gone to live with a new family and will be going to a different school will probably be enough."

you need to be as general as possible because its not your adoption story, its someone elses

also anything you say will get distorted and repeated around the school, so the least info the better

we had a 7yo here for a visit. over tea I heard him telling some weird and wonderful story about why his dad got divorced - to kids its just the same. to us as adults its a bit more shocking

so for your friends

My dd is not adopted so feel free to ignore my thoughts if not relevant - I will totally understand.

A while back my dd's very good friend's mum left her husband. It was sudden, dramatic and involved the relocation to a new place of the mum and child. I thought my dd, who was about the age of your ds at the time, would have tons of questions when we visited her friend in the new home - e.g. why, etc and also would I leave her dad etc etc. BUT actually no, she just said it was in a new place. Maybe she didn't even realise at the start that the dad wasn't living there. When she did find out the dad was not living there, still no big questions.

I know it is a totally different situation and may not be relevant BUT I do hope for you and your little one that he is able to accept the info and not be too troubled by it, just as my dd was not phased.

Also, I caught dd today telling vagule bizarre comments about another friend's family, which I feel sure are not true - so I think just as it is possible for kids to make mole hills out of mountains it is probably possible for them to do the reverse!

We may not always be able to guess what will started or upset kids!

Hope it is all OK, for all concerned.

OK I'm going to tackle it after school today when he less likely to rush into school in the morning and quizz his freind about it. At least this way we will have the weekend for him to ask me questions if he has any and may have forgotten about it by MOnday.

Fingers crossed

how did it go?

well the deed is done and it could have been worse.

DS was visibly shocked that the boy has left and isn;t at the school any more or with his family. Wouldn;t accept the explanation that he needed a different family and that the judge decides other parents would be better for him. So I had to get into more detial than I would have liked but stuck to the minimum. I explained that he had lived with several different families since he was born and that could make a child very confused and very difficult to be happy and kind to the people you lived with. I also explained that his sister (DS's friend) was much younger and couldn't remember the different family only her family now so it wasn't so much of a problme then. I explained that his friend loved her brother and missed him but that she was able to talk to him by phone when she needed to but that it was very important to get the right paretns for the right children.

DS seemed OK and changed the subject but has told me every 10 minutes since then that he loves me , of course I reassured him that I love him too and said that the nice thing about already having seen the judge in our case was that once the judge agreed that I was the right mummy for DS that it was forever and no-one could change that.

He's asleep in my bed now cuddled up to the class mascot who he gets to take home for the weekend because he won the ladybird award for the week (don't ask me what that is). Bless him.

Oh god why do children have to put up with such shit

Stupidly I feel angry at the adoptive parents which is ridiculous really - it wasn't them that caused the damage but birth paretns and sadly one set of foster parents.

At least its done now and I told DS that if he had any more questions that he could ask me.

You never really know if you've got it right with this parenting lark do you.

Krstine - take the point about it not being my adoption story but mother in question has been surpringly open about the circumstances and the boys problmes are well known at the school so I don;t think I said anything that would be news to anyone at the school.

Sorry he took it so hard

The damage done to these kids somehow reverberates around causing hurt to all sorts of people

Sorry it was so difficult, hope it all gets back to normal soon.

DS wants to know how I know I will still love him tomorrow! Also said to me yesterday that "the government" said he was to stay with me forever? I said that in fact two governemnts had said so and I think I will dig out his adoption orders later to show him.

I think only time will help. He is still telling me that he loves me every 15 minutes and that I am the best mummy in the world. I'm surprised he's still keeping it going so long - I had wondered if he would even equate teh situation with him and me but obviously he did straight away.

Nothing ot be done but reasurance I guess.

If I am way off base, please ignore me but I would just try and carry on as normal. Plenty of reassurances and some normal games, fun etc. If he hugs and kisses you a lot then obviously let him but also some just plain fun play. I think he will relax and if he wants to talk about it just be clear that the friend's situation is not yours.

Sorry you have to go through this but maybe it would have come up at some point anyway and if he is still young then you can just reassure him and be normal, not too anxious about it. (I am always anxious about everything so it is hard to do!!)

Maybe you could ask him, maybe(!) if there is anything he would like reassure him (like let?s look at the my journey book together (if you have done an adoption book of his life with photos etc) and when you look at the pictures you could say how you felt when you met him, how you realised that he was your special boy etc etc and as he grows you always feel more and more how much you love him etc - but if that sounds like a bad idea or over the top then don't do it, please! I am not an adopter or an adoptee so I may be talking cr*p!

Good luck.

I went through all our paperwork with him tonight - adoption orders etc which I have never done before and he did seem very reassured by that and said "so no-one else can steal me?".

I'm sure with time it will settle down.