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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

what age do loss related behaviour issues rear their head?

7 replies

dreamylady · 20/09/2010 17:49

DD is 5 and a half and has just gone back to school, year 1, and is having meltdowns a couple of times a week. They are triggered by something fairly minor (today it was because she dropped a lolly in the road and i wouldn't let her pick it up) and almost instantly escalate into an hour or more of shouting, crying, screaming, punching, kicking, biting, and hair pulling.
At the same time she often throws in that she wishes she was dead /someone would kill her / she could live on her own.

Today I carried her home because she kept running off towards the road every time I let go of her arm or hand. I started off carrying her sideways in a sort of underarm fireman's lift, but funnily enough once i was carrying her properly (front to front) she relaxed into me and just cried all the way home.

Her first mum (birth mum) died when she was 9months old. Her dad and I have been together since just before she was 2, though she has known me since birth.

I have posted elsewhere re the 'wish i was dead' thing bcs thought maybe its just a phase loads of kids go through. And I know back to school is a hard time, she's definately a bit worn out. But I was wondering could it be anything more, to do with the stage she's at in development. Any thoughts? I'm feeling a bit traumatised by the intensity of her rage and angst.

OP posts:
maryz · 20/09/2010 18:10

This reply has been deleted

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MummyDayAndNightCare · 20/09/2010 18:10

Sounds really awful for you both. Bless her.

I'm probably stating the obvious but have you thought about taking her to the Docs and getting her referred for some counselling? The earlier she has it the sooner it can help her rather than these feelings get more and more intense and deep rooted the older she gets.

MummyDayAndNightCare · 20/09/2010 18:12

Your local council will have Post Adoption Support Telephone number too, where you will be able to speak directly with a Social Worker, if I am presuming right and you have officially adopted her. They will probably be able to rush through some counselling.

Pigeonstreetrocks · 20/09/2010 18:14

Sorry you're having a rubbish time - it's heartbreaking when dc say things like that. I've not had the 'wish I was dead' from my dd (not adopted & aged 4) but the kicking, screaming, biting etc meltdowns a few times a week for seemingly minor things are v familiar. We've just had a baby (4 weeks this week) and the screaming & violent behaviour has escalated since he arrived. I think it's just used as a way of reminding us that they're present? Your dd because she's back at school after 6 weeks of hols and my dd because of new baby bro. Hard work and heartbreaking but normal I think.

JiggeryPopery · 20/09/2010 18:32

Very wise posts from Pigeon and maryz - I think her behaviour is typical of any 5 yo just back at school tbh - it's not neccesarily related to her adoption.

However, of course it's always something to bear in mind, you never know how these issues are going to manifest. So I think it's worthwhile persuing counselling and the post adoption support, in case it is an adoption-related issue.

sowhatis · 20/09/2010 18:38

My son (not adopted) had a period of saying 'i wish i was dead.....' and saying how great it would be to be a ghost etc. it got v worrying and for a few weeks my main focus was just keeping him alive and from doing stupid things which endangered him. he has dyspraxia, and it is getting better with age, but he is still quite emotionally immature at times, yet far ahead others. his OT got involved after I called them, had one session and we just kept monitoring it, whilst reminding him that being dead isnt 'cool' (to quote him). good luck, all i can say is keep talking to her about her feelings, we had lots of danger talks with my DS
x

KristinaM · 20/09/2010 22:19

i think you should trust your own instincts

you say that you feel traumatised by the intensity of her rages? that makes me think that you are right - it is related to loss and it would be good to get some help for her

dont be palmed off by other parents saying " its just normal".

i would try the organsations who offer support to bereaved children and families first, as they will provide specialist help. SS are very variable - a few are excellent but many others have little training or experience in these issues Sad

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