What are the general guidelines around adoption and age, bedrooms and birth children?

[EricNorthmansmistress]

Just wondering because a friend who has been through failed IVF and has enquired of me...they have children, the youngest is 2. Her H is 48 and she is 30. They have no extra bedrooms (council house) and can't move. Would they only be approved for older children due to his age? And if so, is there a guideline regarding the adoptive child being younger than their youngest, and does an adoptive child need their own room? I'm thinking it's a no go for them to be honest as by the time their youngest is old enough for an approved age gap her H is likely to be well over 50 - and would only be approved for an older child?

Also - this is more sensitive - I don't think they have a great relationship. If the reality of their relationship was known they probably wouldn't be approved, would they? (IMO emotionally abusive and controlling H). As I work in social services I feel I might be asked to provide a reference, if in fact friends are asked to, as with fostering - is that the case? I'm not sure I could do that and keep my friend :(

She (or you) could have an informal discussion with your adoption team, or with an independent agency.

If their youngest is 2 and they have also had IVF, they would not be able to apply yet, as most LA's ask for at least 12 months between finishing fertility treatment and starting preparation for adoption.

From what you have said, there are a number of issues that they may struggle with tbh.
Lack of spare bedroom, husband's age, relationship difficulties...

An adoptive child does not have to be the youngest though - a child's profile will identify where they need to be placed within the family - often youngest, but not always.

You are in a tricky situation in regards to providing a reference though. If they are applying to the LA that you work in, you may be able to say that you have a conflict of interest in that you know staff members involved in the assessment?
However close my friend was, I could not provide a positive reference if I felt that there were the kind of relationship issues you describe.
A child that needs an adoptive family has been through so much already, the last thing they need is an emotionally controlling or abusive father

i coudl not agree more with the above post

if she was MY friend i woudl be advising her to go to relate and forget adoption.

I have advised that adoption isn't probably the right decision for them. I don't think it was what she wanted to hear as I haven't heard back from her but I have to be honest. Thanks.

its always hard when you have to hurt / disappoint a friend. but i dont knwo what else you coudl do TBH

if you pretend that you are supportive of this, she will probably ask you to be a referee. then you have to say no or give a negative reference. Although its confidential, your friend woudl probably find out why they were turned down

and if she doesn't ask you to be a referee and they are approved and have a child placed, you will feel terrrible if/when it breaks down

although i woudl be extremely surprised if an abusive and controlling man got through the assessmnt. it really depends on the skill and experience of the worker. some are excellent and would spot this a mile off.

others are very naive, inexperienced and easily impressed by exteral things, like charm, personality, money and looks ( which abusers often have in spades)

Thanks! Your last sentence made me laugh a little as he really has none of those things! However he can present the image of a sweet man desperately in love with his younger wife. Anyway, I know I could not in good conscience support them doing this. I will be honest to a point if she presses me further. I think she'd disown me if I told her I thought her H was controlling and emotionally abusive and it's tricky to tell a friend that you think she has children to fulfil her own emotional needs but I daresay I could find a way to put it nicely...

What a crappy situation to be in Eric. I think that if asked, you could say that you had a conflict of interest - but if she is going to puch you, then you may well have to be honest. Sounds like from what you have said, you might lose a friend though.

You are not doing the wrong thing thouhg.

Thanks. It is pretty shit actually. I love her but she has ishoos and is not very self aware. She has cut people out for less but if she does, so be it. I hope they give up on the idea before going any further.

you might have to go back to plan A then, as per your OP

they have several children already and the youngest is 2? Some authorities will not place a baby ( = under 2 years) with anyone who has more than one baby already. even if they will, you are right that they will want AT LEAST a 2 year age gap , perhaps more depending on the ages of their existing children

if they have just had IVF they will have to wait a year or so unlikely to even start assessment for another year, when her DH will be 50.

it woudl be hard to find an agency who will assess them for a baby or toddler when the dad will be well into his 50s when child placed. if they are white, i suspect that no agency will agree to take them on

they could wait longer and be assessed for an older child, but there is a very high breakdown rate with placement of school aged children - its hugely risky

lack of spare room is a problem - adopted child needs own room. although i guess older children coudl share. and they could apply for another house once child placed ( or earlier depending on landlords policy)

as others have said, each agency has its own policy on all these matters, your friend woudl need to contact them and ask

HTH

Yes, they have a teen, a tween and a 2yo. Plus he has an adult DC. The adult DC has been in prison and the teen was sexually abused as a child. Gets better doesn't it! Basically I think it's quite clear that their existing children should be taking up all their time and energy but as I say she is preoccupied with having more for her own need to be fulfilled and have a purpose. I think they would be disregarded from the off but would just advise them to speak to the LA about it. The lack of space and H's age are nice simple obstacles that might remove the need to discuss the more serious issues (for me I mean, obviously the LA, if they went that far, would discuss them!)

all i can say is that they seem to have their hands full already