Should we have been informed birth mum has had another child?

[april74]

adopted dd 2 years ago, since then had been doing letter box contact to birth mum and half sister. (who lives with an aunt)

This year was the first time birth mum has replied to a letter, we were a bit shocked to hear that she had given birth to another child 9 months ago, she talked a bit about the baby was it was not clear whether the baby was living with her or not, she also talked a lot about her other daughter (who lives with an aunt)

Now I have my dd's life story book and started to talk a little about how her bm didn't know how to look after her etc etc, but feel this new information we should have been aware of as it would impact our dd in the future, ie you were not allowed to stay but your half brother was etc etc

Now I have called my social worker this morning to ask but she is on holiday for a week, now I dont really want to speak to dd's social worker until I know more about the policies as she has proven in the past to not be the best social worker and had a few niggling problems with her.

Anyone got any experience?

I have zero experience of adoption so I don't know but IMO, you have adopted a child. Whether the birth mother has anymore has nothing to do with you. My mother dumped me on my nan when I was 4 and I haven't seen her since. I do know that she hasn't had more children but if she had, there isn't anything I could do about it. Do you think contact is the best way to go?

DP

Adoption is very different to how it used to be, the social workers actively encourage contact between birth mum and us (well in our case anyway) Think its a very positive thing for DD to have when she is older.

We had been told by our social worker that as we had already adopted one of her children that if she was to fall pregnant again they would like to keep the children together where possible that we would get first refusal so to speak (hope that call never comes as I am more than happy with my 2 lovely children, and we do not have room for another etc) but as there is contact (letter box contact via the social workers) I would imagine that we no phone call as come, she has been allowed to keep her son, but I would like to know the answer so I can let dd know if the future why she was allowed to keep her ds and not her.

I have a folder full of information about why our dd was taken away and put up for adoption, and dd has a later life letter for her to speak when she is much older explaining everything, so I know that question would be one of the first asked.

I would be very disappointed if social services had not got in touch to tell us that BM had had another child (if they knew).

Obviously if BM has moved or changed her lifestyle and the new child is not at any risk then SS would not be involved and wouldn't know. But if they have been involved then I would be pretty p*ed off that they hadn't told me.

Ah right, I didn't know SS encourage contact with BM, and the fact that they said you would be asked first about a sibling means maybe they should have informed you. Can you not ask them why they didn't and is the child staying with the mother? Seems odd that 2 of her children aren't with her yet she may keep this one.

I have a friend who adopted 2 siblings and they were told when bm had another child.

IMO you should have been told. Agree it's necessary to make the life story make sense.

Thanks for replies, as the letter box contact goes through the social services they would have known.

Her previous child had been taken away, that's why it had been flagged up when she was pg with our dd.

I will just wait till our social worker is back from holiday and have a chat with her.

I am very surprised you weren't told, OP. It doesn't sound at all right to me.

if the other child was not staying with birth family then yes, definitely

if child was staying, then its certainly good practice since you have contact

DDs SW sounds incompetent

Hi there.

I'm new here, but I think maybe telling you a little bit about me might help.

I'm 23 years old, live in Canada. Always known I was adopted. Very healthy relationship with my parents. Also, I have always had a written letter relationship with my birthmum. (without disclosure of address) Now that I'm older, I've actually come in contact with quite a few of my birth family through facebook, and even met a few. But this isn't really the info I think can help, it's just a little bit about me.

The connection I feel I can draw, is that a few years after I was adopted, my birthmother gave birth to a son, and kept him. I don't have a memory of being told this, because I was young. But my mum told me that I had asked her, "Why did she keep him and not me?" My mum very lovingly and plainly told me that when my birthmother had me, she was not able to take care of a baby, and that she knew I would have a better life with them. However, it has been a very long time and things in my birthmothers life have changed.

I might not remember asking that or being told that, but I do know that I have always had good feelings towards my half brother (Josh). My birth mother sent pictures of him along with other photos. They would send letters and every Christmas they made a gingerbread house together and actually sent it in the mail. (Christmas was always letter time.) My parents would send my school picture and a letter with what activities I was doing (dance, gymnastics, sewing, whatever.) I would write a letter as well.

Now, I actually talk to him on facebook, and have actually spoken to him on the phone a couple of times. That was kind of neat. Neither of us really knew what to expect the other to sound like.

I guess I just wanted you to know, that talking openly about these things can be good for a child. It was absolutely the best thing for me. Of course every situation is different, and you know your daughter best. But I have found that the honesty and constant love and support of my parents has made for the most positive experience of family that could possibly exist. I love my family so much, and I'm also lucky enough that my birth mother and her family like to be in contact with me too.

Yes is the short answer.
When is the next question

If it was a recent birth a plan for the child may not be in place. Nugget was with BM for 8 months, some of that in a supervised placement, some in an observation placement, and some well we'll say no more about that.

Until he was finally removed a plan wasn't laid out. Had he had older sibs our LA wouldn't have informed them.

The three reasons for informing are
Life Storywork
Contact
A view to placement in your family

Once the LA have established the plan for the child they can then give you definitive information. What would be hard for a small child is to know they have a sib, think that sib was living with birth mum/family then discover sib has been removed because they weren't kept safe.
Likewise if you had expressed a desire to be considered to adopt birth sibs they need to come back to you with something concrete rather than the limbo we tend to live with...

SS don't have to tell you if another child has been born although we were informed on the two occasions our eldest's bm had another child/was pregnant. We now have our daughter but as we already had three children we decided not take yet another baby.

We were told about our daughter when she was 7 months old and as we'd only recently adopted for a 2nd time we had to go on to be approved before she was placed with us.

I guess whether you are informed or not will depend on the care plan. If baby will remain with bm then they won't have to tell you. If the plan is for adoption then they may contact you to ask if you would consider taking the new arrival.

SS have to take into account bm's confidentiality - not saying that any of this is right but certainly my experience.

I'm mum to two adopted boys and you have my empathy! We also had difficulties with information not being passed to us from social workers (we only found out about 3 further half-siblings once our match had been approved, for example). While we have had to take many of these little 'surprises' in our stride, it impacts on our confidence in the children's social worker - if they cannot pass on such basic information such as sibling births, what else have they failed to tell us about the children's backgrounds?

Perhaps, when your social worker gets back from vacation, you could ask that he/she sets up a meeting to address this, perhaps with your daughter's social worker, and perhaps with someone who specialises in life story book work. It might be nice to be guided on how to introduce this to your daughter and include it in her book.

We knew our DS's b.mum was pg before SS.

I think its vital adoptive parents are informed. This new child is their child's sibling!

I know so many adults who have discovered siblings and half siblings in later life. Each one has been incredibly upset and in some cases, devastated. They are not adoptees but the affects are the same regardless.

I have only just stated to broach the subject of his half sibling with DS. He is 7 but has LD and ASD. His half sister was born shortly after his adopted (our DD) died so things became very complex.

With adoptive famlies there is also the posibility that the sibling may be removed. The adoptive family should be given the chance to consider adopting the child (if its in the best interests of the child).

Make an appointment with your social worker as soon as she gets back from leave. This is a big deal and needs to be discussed.

we were put in a very difficult situation when we chose dd2, a few days later the ss told us dd1 had a half sister 12 months old and her social workers had "forgot" to inform us!
dd1 birth mother was being monitored whilst half sister was in foster care but was unlikely to be able to care for the new baby.
as both dds birth mothers are relatvely young the chances are there will be more children in the next few years.
it all depends on the consistancy of social workers communication unfortunatly.

The fact is, that you "ought" to be told for emotional reasons for your DD's future, but they are under absolutely no obligation to disclose any information about your DD's BM. If she is no longer considered a risk and chooses to have further children, you probably are justified to be a bit cheesed off about being left out of the loop, but it is not your right to know because her life is private. My thoughts are, I would want my DS who has been adopted to know about his brother or sister, but it's voluntary for sure.