Timing of adoption

[Casserole]

We have a (biological) DS of 2 and a half and were thinking about when to start the adoption process. Just spoke to our LA adoption team who said that although we could come to an information evening, they wouldn't progress us any further than that at the moment as they would want DS to be school age before we adopted - in her words, 'the bigger the age gap the better'.

Is this true everywhere? I'd been expecting a 2 year age gap, so I'd thought the opposite, ie the smaller the age gap the better, so that both children could grow up with our family being their memory for the best part of their lives. I know we'd no way get a baby, so I'd sort of thought perhaps if we went through the process and got approved when DS was about 4, then we could wait for a while and hopefully get a 2 or 3yo, then from a fairly early age for both children, they'd know the other one as their sibling etc.

Just wondered what other people's experience was...

Sorry just to clarify, that should read "I'd been expecting her to stipulate a minimum 2 year age gap"

Hi Casserole, I'm a prospective adopter so can only tell you what I understand from what I've read/been told.

As I understand it, agencies like the youngest BC in the family to be 5 ish if not older so they can in some way understand that the AC is very needy, takes all the parents attention etc. AC can be very delayed in their emotional development, so I think the idea is that not having them too close in age to BCs will make this less obvious and less of an issue for BCs, as the AC will likely act very much younger than their chronological age. If they are too close in age, it could be very hard for a BC to understand why the AC is behaving so young and not 'acting their age', and also why parents are allowing this while expecting them (BC) to act age appropriately.

I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will come along, but this is how I understand it.

Hi Casserole, I'm an adopter who has just been matched with a 10 month old baby. My birth daughter is nearly 5.

When we first started dd1 was 2.5 and we were 'slow tracked' so that our dd would be at least 2 years older than AC. We were finally approved for a child at least two years younger than dd when dd turned 4.

I would have liked to have got a child earlier, but I think they're right to prefer a larger age gap between the children. My dd is desperate for a sibling, and at nearly 5 is mature enough to be able to understand concepts like being gentle and patient with the newcomer, and yet I am sure she will still struggle with sibling rivalry at times. Looking back a couple of years, I think she would have found it nearly impossible to feel positive about a rival toddler grabbing her toys etc.

Also, AC do need a lot of attention and it helps to have an older child who is a bit less dependent and can entertain themselves for a bit. You need to be aware that parents with birth children can often wait longer to be matched, as there are many children in the care system who need to be the only child in the family.

Having said that, given it usually takes a couple of years to proceed through adoption and get matched, I'm slightly surprised they won't consider starting the process with you. May be worth checking out with some other agencies to see if they all take the same position.

My birth children were 11 and 9 when DS came to us. We fostered him first so he was very young - 8 weeks old. He was two when the adoption went through (we are family adopters so different situation).

Having been through it I cant absolutely see why SS like a big age gap. I was much easier for my DCs to deal with all the attention DS needed because he was so much littler than them. They could understand that babies need a lot of care IYSWIM. It wasnt just the normal baby stuff, the admin and meetings etc were so time consuming. Very hard for young children to cope with.

Good luck with it all.

I don't know about the age gap, but DD's best friend was adopted and it happened quite quickly. His parents were approved and him and his brother were matched the same day

Thanks all - just to be clear, we were expecting them to say that there would need to be at least a 2 year age gap between our DS and any subsequent adopted children, but our local LA wouldn't even begin the process with us until DS was statutory school age (5) - and was indicating that they'd prefer even later than that.

Anyway, just for anyone who may read this in the future, we rang a few LAs slightly further afield (10-15 miles away) and without exception, all 3 of them were happy to progress us now, some wanting a 2 year gap between our eventual children and others wanting 18 months gap. We're going to an information evening with the one who has most children that match our ethnicity this week. I'm anticipating DS will be 4 by the time we're approved and probably 4.5-5 by the time we're matched, but at least then we'll be finishing the process, not just starting it! And hopefully at 5 he'll be a bit more aware of stuff.

So my advice is ring round for the clearest picture. Thanks for everyone who took the time to reply, really appreciate it

Well done casserole, that was going to be my advice!

We have adopted our dd 3 yrs ago and wanted to go back for another one but were told by several authorities that we'd have to wait until she was 5 (which for her would mean almost the end of her first yr at school because she is a summer baby!)

However, after ringing around we found one LA with a different policy - they like a smaller age gap and were happy to progress us straightaway. So now we are halfway through our home visits yipeee!

OH thank you for that snail, that's really encouraging. Have they said anything to you about age gaps etc? Or whether you'll be "at the bottom of the list" when matched, as my LA said?
Really hope it all works out for you

casserole - its not a waiting list like one for council housing, where you get taken in turn. its more like a job application - once you pass the panel you can apply for kids in your and other areas. they will look at all the families and effectively shortlist them by getting the forms from the relevant SW.

its just supply and demand - if you are looking for a low demand child or you are a high demand family, you will get matched sooner. Unless of course you have a contact who can get you up "the list" ( I have only known of social workers or adoption solicitors managing to do this).

conversely, if you are a low demand family or want a high demand child you could wait a long time

they don't look at a family and say

" oh we must take them, they have been waiting 3 years".

if you are the best match for a child they will choose you, even if you are at the " bottom of the list"

Hi Kristina - that's what I thought beforehand. It's just that my local LA explicitly said to us we would automatically "always be bottom of the list" (her direct words) because we have a birth child. Whereas the other LA we've approached has been much more like you've said, saying that each child and family are assessed as to their potential match.

Which has reassured me. I think the problem is that our local LA don't have many children that match our ethnicity and so, being blunt, we're not the sort of adopters they want to put the time into. Which I understand, too. But I'm just so glad we rang around a bit, or we'd have given up before starting based on what the first LA said. Which I think would have been so sad.

you are right. for some children they specifically want a family who have parenting experience. others want a large gap or the child to be placed with a childless couple

sometimes the birth parenst will be involved in choosing a family and they might well prefer a family who have a child already

I know a couple who were matched with their child even thought they were well down the list because one of them was a teacher and the birth mother thought that they would ensure the child got a good education ( she was right ). She chose them over the couple that SS preferred because the woman was a SAHM

if you are a mixed heritage family then ethnicity will always be a big factor to consider. though you will discover that SS have very strange ideas about " ethnic matching" - you will have to bite your tongue many times

once you are approved you can apply to other areas if they have a child you are interetsed in

I think it's quite shocking that they said you'd be 'at the bottom of the list'. As Kristina said, we've always been told they just pick the best family for each child and there is no top and bottom of the list.

I can see that a couple with no children would probably be easier to match because they can be more flexible to the needs of just one new child. However, they will have less childcare experience and for a child who needs clear boundaries (just as a quick for instance) a family with expereince and an older child modelling some good behaviour might be just what that child needs...

I have not got the feeling that we will wait forever from our SW. Our DD is just 4 and we are looking for a child 2 yrs or less, which fits with their 2 yr age gap too.

You should go with the agency that you think has the best attitude and the most potential to have children that fit your ethnic mix (if you can).

We got their brochure through, it even said in there something like "prospective adopters without children will always be given priority over those who have birth children" - I found it shocking, too. To me, it's simple - you look at each child that comes up, you look at the families you've got, then you make the best match. I just thought perhaps I was being naive about it all, but I think our LA probably just get to be pretty picky given the demographics involved.

it sounds to me like an adoption leaflet from 1965! When childless married couples were seen as more " deserving" of a child. Bizarre

I find that really shocking. I thought it was all supposed to be about the needs of the child, not the needs of the parents...

Yep, yep and yep again.