Birth FAMILY Found - minus me

[pixiemamma]

Thank you all for support and advice in my previous post about looking for my birth mother - just to update and then to ask for any other input.
My birth mother and father married each other 1 year after my birth and I believe I have a full brother, born 1 year after their marriage. I now know the full address and even a telephone number (used private investigator in the end who confirmed the address I already had found) for my 'biological parents'.
I am now even more confused. My brother is in his 40s and I am assuming (their house looks VERY middle class and perfect) that they haven't told him that he has a sibling.
Or maybe they have? My overriding fear is that I will cause devastation in all of their lives and that my 'brother' will hate and resent me and/or his (our) parents.
It hurts that they have had a family life together without me. Sort of feeling like I've been denied the life I should have had, and someone else had it instead
I just wanted to reassure them that I was happy and healthy and had a wonderful mum & dad - now I (sometimes)think f*ck 'em - I bet they've kept me a dirty secret and live in constant fear of me finding them.
FWIW I am a happy person with no 'issues' and no negativity to bring to them - but I just ache inside because I think they will reject me most strongly.

Tough one

What do you think you want to do?

Have you had any professional counselling about contacting your birth parents? I would strongly advise you to go this route.

You need to be clear what you want out of the process, why you want contact and consider carefully some of the possible different scenarios and how you would cope with them.

I would also recommend going through an intermediary. You've clearly already had some time to contemplate/plan a reunion, but they haven't yet and may need some time to adjust.

Fwiw I had a son adopted at birth. He is not a dirty secret: my dh and sons know, my family know and many of my friends know too. It would be the fulfilment of all my dreams if he chose to get in touch one day.

roisin, thank you, and I hope your wish comes true. I know that you are right, and that they may well desire support too.
I have already written a letter I was going to send, which states:
"I understand that there may be members of your family who do not know of my existence. I realise that this may be a huge barrier for you. I appreciate that you must deal with this issue as you feel is right. I hope that whatever you decide, that you will still be able to reassure me that I have successfully set your minds at rest about my health and happiness."
But I can't bring myself to send it now.

What I 'want out of it' is a very tricky one. I suppose it's to meet them ultimately and talk to them and have reassurance going both ways that all's well that ends well - but now I wonder if I'm a bit too mixed up over the fact that they 'got over me' with another child.

NORCAP may be able to offer good advice.

I would Strongly recommend an initial contact through an intermediary, rather than doing it direct yourself.

Obv you don't know what the reaction will be but just because they haven't tried to contact you doesn't mean they have forgotten. Adoption in those days was supposed to be the end of the birth parents contact with the child and they may feel they have no right to make the first move iyswim.

roisin is talking great sense.

I can understand why this is so difficult for you, but talking yourself into a lather about what you assume they are thinking/feeling is not going to help. Find someone who can help you think it through and plan what next steps to take.

It feels to me as though, having taken it this far, you will probably want to take the next step, but you are understandably scared and you really need some support and someone who will provide a buffer for you at that first contact stage.

Whatever you decide to do, be gentle with yourself. This situation is not of your making and you shouldn't feel guilty for having to make this very difficult decision.

Best of luck xx

thank you - you are right that I am in a lather - doing mental gymnastics trying to second guess what people I have never met might or might not have told other people I have never met, about me :S

I probably do need support through this. I will call the after adoption people tomorrow. Roisin, I have used NORCAP and TBH I have found them less help than I had hoped. They are expensive too...

You're right too that having come this far I will have to see it through, but it has totally messed my head up. I never thought I'd even find a father with my birth mother, let alone a whole family unit. I feel betrayed, let down, shunned, rejected and ultimately that they REALLY won't want to hear from me - like they will have been DREADING it..

Thinking of you pixiemamma.
Do call the after adoption people tomorrow.

Do you know the adoption agency through which you were placed? They might be able to offer you some support/counselling?

This is so difficult. My DH is adopted. He knows where his birth mother lives and that he has a half brother.

He hasn't contacted her as he has no idea whether his half brother knows of his existence.

When found out about the circumstances of his adoption on opening his file, it unleashed a whole wave of feelings, from feeling a huge sympathy for his birth mother, to feeling unwanted and a whole range of emotions inbetween. Whatever you are feeling it is perfectly normal.

Like you, he doesn't want to cause devastation in his birth mother's life and does not want to threaten his life now. For the moment he has chosen not to contact her. When he feels able to cope with whatever that meeting or not, may bring he says he will contact her, that may be never. He simply doesn't know. But sometimes waiting a little while can help clarify things for you.

There is no simple solution to this but you will need to be able to deal with the consequences of the contact when it comes. I would urge you to reflect on your feelings, talk to your family, have counselling if you think it will help to make sure that you can do that. If you still want to have contact go through an intermediary as others have suggested.

I really hope that it works out well for you.

I understand the siblings having the life you should have had .

I think you need to think very carefully why you want to contact your biological parents. Their son is a different issue imo.

I don't know much about adoption but I think that the birth parent(s) don't have any right to look for the child who has been adopted?

So maybe your parents wanted to have you as part of the family but were unable to 'undo' the adoption?

I think all the other posters are right though, that you should have councelling about this before you go any further and make contact through an intermediary.

I hope that it all works out one way or the other and that you feel peaceful with the outcome.

pixie, I have just finished reading 'Red Dust Road' by Jackie Kay, a memoir about tracking down her birth parents both of whom had subsequent families.

I'm not suggesting it will give you any answers, or even help you right now, but it is a thoughtful and beautiful book and one day you may want to read it.

xx

You are making so many assumptions without knowing any of the circumstances.

I too was adopted an later found my birth mother and her family.

I discovered that many of the 'facts' that I had been told of the circumstances in which I was adopted were untrue and that she had had a very sad story and reason to have me adopted.

For years I had dwelt on what I had been told and felt resentful and bitter about things -which turner out not to be the case

It could well be that they went on to have another child together to try and fill the gap that having you taken away caused! It's likely there was huge pressure on your mum to have you adopted.

Pollylogos - the law changed in 2005 so parents who had given up a child for adoption CAN now search. It has to be done via an agency such as NORCAP.

pixiemama - can I respectfully ask you to think very, very carefully about what you want, what your expectations are, and on the potential impact you could have on your birth parents and their family. I ask this as an adopted child who has been "found" by her birth mother and who, 8 months later, is still grappling with the emotions this "finding" has unleashed. I didn't want it, I didn't know the law had changed. I can recommend Barnardo's LINK service if you think counselling may help you decide what you want to do - it's certainly helping me.

please listen to hester and roisin and all the other posters who have urged you to get counselling and support befroe you think of contacting your birth family directly

as you have discovered, it brings up all sorts of strong emotions. its too much to do it alone

you really REALLY need to talk to someone about how you feel

Thank you snowsquonk - I didn't know that!

I have been in contact with After Adoption who have suggested that I should see my adoption file before going forward, so I have requested this.
I have also been in touch with the post adoption team in my local county council as I believe they can offer support.

i hope you find someone you can talk to about all this.

do let us know how you get on

I am an adopted child. I have an adopted Mother and both of my children were stolen from me and adopted.
My only comment is; whoever brings you up are your parents.
Your BIRTH MOTHER may love you, can never forget giving birth to you and must therefore of had a really big reason for doing what she did.
I do not want to find my birth mother as I have been through counselling and decided that rejection by a 4th "mother" is more than I want.
I would love to have contact with my children as I still ache when they were taken from me age 2 and 3.5.
What more need I say except talk to NORCAP or even JIGSAW.

Hi Bunglie, i didn't know you were still around mumsnet. i remember your story well and my heart aches for you and your children.

I hope you have found some peace

Thank you KristinaM, I wish I could say all had a happy ending but I am afraid that I never managed to get back contact with my DD and my DS broke contact several years ago. I am not sure that either of them could except what had happened and they certainly did not see me as their 'Mother' not even their birthmother. I wish it had all had a happy ending but I tried and lost. I think that a lot of people have a lot of things to answer for but I guess that they never will now and I am horrified to find out that it is still going on. I think all mothers should be aware of how precious life with their children is and how it is easy in this society to loose your children for ever. I would be lying if I said that I do wonder what life would have been like if I still had my children but it is so hard for people to understand that you do not have to do anything wrong to loose them. I therefore say that in order to give up a child for adoption, for what ever reason is one that a mother can neve take without considering the consequences. I am sorry that I did not have the choice.

Hi Pixiemama, I was adopted at 10 days old and always knew. My sister (no birth relation) was adopted a couple of years later. I reached one of the typical trigger times for searching i.e. birth of dd in 2003, then ds in 2006, and in 2007 I requested copies of my original birth certificate. As I am scottish there is no requirement for compulsory counselling, but I have experience of adoption through work (social work), so I felt quite prepared for finding a messy situation. I remember sitting looking at the documents while the wee ones were having a bath and howling my eyes out!!!

Anyhow, I found out that birth parents married and went on to have two daughters, and I wrote to BM at her work, basically saying who I was and that I was well and happy with adoptive family. I said I would write once again in a month, and if she didn't write back I wouldn't bother her again. I meant it.

Now I am very much part of their lives and they mine .. my mum (adoptive mum) has struggled with it, but realises now that there is absolutely no threat to our relationship and plans to meet up with them soon.

I think there is some really sensible advice on this thread ... adoption support agencies are hugely experienced in this situation and can work well as an advocate for both you and your birth family. You also need to be sure about why you want to make contact and how you would feel if you were not welcomed into the bosom of your birth family (at least not immediately). Social services who handled the adoption will also give some helpful background info on the case (tho you may not have access to some of the information as it may not be directly relevant).

Good luck!