Finally meeting my new daughter - any advice?

[hester]

At long, long last, it's just over 3 weeks till I meet my new daughter. I'm SO excited, and also rather apprehensive.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to make introductions week go as smoothly as possible. Our new dd's fc is finding the process quite difficult and is warning us she'll be emotional and possibly angry: I appreciate her honesty, but am taking seriously how tough it may be for her.

Also, any advice on how to make things as easy as possible for ad when we bring her home? For context, she is 10 months and has been with the same fc since she was 6 weeks old. We also have a birth daughter, rising 5, who will be starting school in September. So a lot going on for everybody.

no wise words but just to say how lovely for you all.

Good luck Hedster, have no experience but there was another thread on here from pumpupthevolume, it was lovely to read and went well for her

keep us posted

Hester so pleased for you. No words of wisdom for you on the adoption front but I am sure someone else will have some.

On the schools front I know! My only advice for schools side is to get as much info about the school, the schedule etc, get the uniform ready well in advance (if there is one). We had to wait for ours to arrive so our little lovely had to borrow a uniform for the first week. It just adds to the stress!

Hope it all goes well. Keep us posted and congratulations again.

Best of luck to you all. In a similar situation so will be watching with interest. Jxx

Congratulations, you must be so excited! I think organisation may be the key to the next few months.

Introductions are exhausting for all concerned. I appreciate what your fc has said, and as you say, it's great that she is honest, but try to stay focussed on what is in the best interests of your new dd. If you are unsure then ask to talk it over with your sw. Don't be afraid to speak up.

Although your fc may have done this before, there is no best way to do intros, it depends on everyone involved. I would suggest you try and get as much time with your dd as possible before she moves in with you so you know her routine really well and she knows you.

It's a good idea to get some ready meals in the frige for this period, as I really did not feel much like cooked after a day of intros as I was physically and emotionally drained (and you will have dd1 to think of too).

Good luck, and get plenty of sleep now as you might not be able to when she moves in!!

My friend has just adopted her dd and although she is older (2) she used a bagpuss teddy for continuity- she knew her dd loved cats so asked the fc to show her bagpuss dvds and books etc and when she visited she gave her a bagpuss as a present. She was also shown lots of photos of my friend before they met.

Is there some way you can become more familiar to her before you meet face to face? Buy her a toy similar to one she likes? Or maybe they can give her something with your perfume on or something? Maybe there's a song they can sing with her that you can sing too, just things to build up familiarity and connections.

Congratulations and good luck!

Thanks so much everyone for your good wishes and some great advice

snail - preparation of freezer meals is a good one; I'll make sure we're well stocked up.

corriefan - I bought one of those talking photo albums, where you can record a message against each photo. dp, dd and I all recorded little messages against pictures of us and our home. But we're not allowed to send it to her till after matching panel (10 days before we meet her). We've also been asked not to talk to fc about her routines, nappy size etc, till after that. Why, I have no idea.

hester that is lovely, congratulations.

Can I just say I think your talking album idea is brilliant I will be reccomending that to my next adoptive parents.

I think it helps if when you get your daughter home you try to follow the routines the fc has set up as much as possible. So stick to the same daily routine to begin with. Make changes to suit your family gradually.
Introductions are tough on everyone. When we hand a child over to their new family it is a huge loss to us. At the same time though the pleasure of seeing a new family born, and knowing that you played a vital part in that is amazing.

What really helps us is when the adoptive parents keep in touch. We get an annual letter and photo from the parents of two children we fostered. It is brilliant to see how the children are developing and how happy they are.
Must say I'm a bit about why the fc would be angry. Emotional definately but angry, no. I hope she can control any anger she feels because thats not fair to you. Is it her first adoption?.

dolphin, you sound like a wonderful fc. I think our fc is very, very bonded with our dd. She is a very experienced fc but admits that she has allowed herself to really fall for our dd. dd had a rough first few weeks of life, in hospital with no visitors. By the time she got to fc she was desperate for comfort and basically refused to be put down. fc completed acceded to this and has I think been basically wearing her for the last several months. it is obvious from the DVD we have seen of them how tightly they are bonded.

I am really glad of this - I think it may be the saving of our daughter - and so much better than a fc who was more cool and distanced. I will always be so grateful for what she has done for our dd and therefore for us. But I think we will pay a price is a rather emotional week. The social workers are anticipating this and have promised all support in managing the separation.

I will of course keep in touch with the fc, for as long as she is happy with that. I think it will be wonderful for our dd to have a kind of aunty figure, who can tell her about her earliest days, and who will be another person who has actually met her birth parents.

But yes, I'm slightly quaking in my boots at the prospect of introductions week. fc is rather formidable!

Having just sent out 2 FD off to their new forever family with a tear in our eye and a hop and skip in their step I would say just let it pan out naturally. Do not alllow the FC to make you feel inadequate - the baby is bound to cry etc when you first hold her and you have to accept that, but iot does not mean that she is not bonding with you - it just means you are different to her everyday expereience. Soon you will be her everyday and always.... Make sure you have plenty of time scheduled for the three of you - even only to walk down the road with the pram. You should be looking at this by day 3 or 4. Do ask lots of questions about washing powder, bath oil, body lotion etc. Do let the FC know all the things you have said here ie that you respect and are thankful for all her hard work. One thing that was very upsetting for us was that the adoptive parents ignored our birth daughter who was just one year older than the two FD. They bought little things like sweets or a comic and gave them out in front of our daughter. Having had nearly 18 months when she was sharing her whole life (willingly) she could not understand why she could not be given a packet of sweets! So if there are other children get them a little something to acknowledge them - and I do mean a little something. Also do make sure you get lots of background for the life story book for your daughter - even if the SW has promised it will all follow! If you are sure you can commit to a letter and a photo once a year then say this at the beginning. It made it a lot easier for us when we knew we were not going to get written out of the girls lives - as this is within your remit. It is important to realise that although you may not feel like it the power is very much i your court. Anyway the other thing I would do is get a baby book and use it to find out when your daughter smiled, sat up etc. get it as complete as possible. Then remember that all the future is YOURS!!

What a lovely post, marriedtoagoodun - thank you

Have to say, though, I'm really shocked by the adoptive parents who ignored your birth daughter. That goes beyond adoption etiquette, it's just manners and common decency. You must have wondered if their parenting instincts were in the right place...

Thanks so much for your great advice.

Hester I like the advice about getting food ready in advance. I am the sort of person who tries to get it all 'out of the way' before a big event! Having had lots of fertility treatment I always tried to 'clear the decks' so I didn't have things I had to do. So if you have birthday presents to buy or cards to send, things you need to buy or whatever get it out of the way.

If I were having another baby I would probably be tempted to go out shopping with my 5 year old and let her buy a new age appropriate gift for the baby and wrap it/write a welcome card etc so she felt really involved in it all. I'd read books with her about having a new baby etc. I am sure there may be some adoption friendly versions, or you could make one with photos of you and your family for your dd to give to her new sister.

We are still deciding what to do but writing this to you makes me hope I will be in your shoes in the next couple of years.

God Bless and all the very best Hester.

Hester - yep the not buying a small token worried us as we understood they would be all about 'their' girls but it was just tiny things not a lovely photo albulm or something like that. They were from an adoption agency as my two FD were 5 and 6 years and not easy to place - not sure if that matters. Anyway I didn't realise you had an older child - have you read the Nutmeg books yet - very good and available from BAAF. Also a book called 'What size shoes does she wear' adopting a toddler.

Very excited for you

Hi Hester

How exciting... How long now? I'm so pleased for you!

We're coming up to four weeks since placement, and it feels strange to think we hadn't even met Pumplet a few weeks ago!

I've been thinking about what I would advise based on our experiences so far. I think that everybody told us these things - sleep, go to the cinema, eat out, get lots of food ready and finish the DIY jobs etc. I can see why now!!!

I think I would add try to relax and enjoy yourself, even during intros. It can be really hard going into somebody else's house and feeling guilty for taking away a child that they love, but keep focused on the end result - your baby will be coming home to her family. I also found it a strain to spend so much time with the foster carers, lovely as they were. It was like being on our best behaviour all the time!

Use your social workers for support - ask for them to be there when you take your daughter away - ours was and it really helped to make a difficult situation easier than it could have been otherwise. It's tricky because you're grateful to them for loving and looking after your baby, but quite frankly by that point I just wanted her to be ours!

Now it is completely obvious that Pumplet is our daughter and living with her family. She was waiting for us to come and get her!

Let us know how you get on. It's going to be a wonderful whirlwind!!!