advice please for a child who has been adopted and unhappy in adoptive home...

[MissTired]

this is a really long story so ill try to keep it brief, my mum and dad split when i was 4 and i had no contact with my dad until i was 21 - 8 years ago. in those 8 years my dad has shown very little interest in me and quiet recently basically told me he wants nothing to do with me. now in those "missing years" my dad remarried and had a son - now aged 16, they also adopted a boy who was about 7 if i remember rightly when they adopted him and is now 14. my dads wife recently died - christmas time but had been dying for some time with cancer so it was not a suprise as such. the boy, i guess you would say hes my half brother or adopted half brother, (depends how you like to label etc!) is very unhappy as he says my dad has always treated him different and is always threatening to put him back into care, i have witnessed this and my dad has openly told me this. i dont like my dad at all for the way hes treated me but also the way he has treated this boy, both before his wife death but more significantly after. the boy really thinks that dad is right and he would be better not there, my dad doesnt seem to care either way, now i know hes greaving but there is definately more to it than this! the boy is no trouble and there is no reason for him to think this at all. the boy is seeing a grief counsellor since his mums (adoptive mum - no idea about birth family they have no contact) death and has mentioned this to the counsellor who has apparently agreed with the boy that his dad is not very nice to him and the counsellor has witnessed this too, the older son - biological one agrees his dad is not being nice to this boy but due to him being 16 spends less time in the house and his dad gives him more money and freedom to do what he wishes - substatially more not just due to slight age gap!
i live miles away and dont wish any contact with my dad, and he doesnt with me so if i go down there it will just be to see the two boys, there are no other family really except my dads wifes parents who this boy stays with overnight for a week now and then when my dad kicks him out (for minor things like not asking before making a drink!!!). they are quite old i think now and im not sure how much support they are but this boy doesnt really like having to go there but knows he has to as no other option. i live miles away so cant afford to go down often ad its difficult with my son who has autism and is very demanding so any visit will only b for the day on my part and hectic to say the least as its a 3 hr drive each way!!
can anyone think of any advice i can give the boy? ive said he is welcome here anytime and i can drive down for him if he wishes so long as my dad knows where he is (not that he seems to care!) ive tried to say im here for him anytime he wants to talk, but is there any practical advice i can give?? i have said to him i wouldnt have him go back into care and if it comes to that hes welcome to live with me if that could be arranged by all authorities, btu then we dont know each other that well, its kind of building now and hes very quiet (probably due to abuse he had with his birth family and care system and now what my dads like), im not sure he would want to leave school etc to move here but i have told him that option is there if he needs it.
i cant talk to my dad as he wont listen to me and it could very well make matters worse!!!
anyone any advice?? and thanks for reading it all!!

also i should add ive only referred to him as the boy as i didnt want to put his name in and was unsure whether to say adopted brother/adopted half brother/brother or half brother so not meaning to sound harsh or anything

What an awful situation, the poor boy.

Has he given you any indication of what he'd like to do? He must be extremely unhappy.

thanks for your reply, hes said dad clearly doesnt want him there and he thinks maybe if he went that would be for the best, then later in conversation said if things dont improve and he asks him to go again he will start asking questions to authorities about what to do but im not sure who intends to speak to or if he would still hae a social worker?!?! he was adopted through barnardos if that makes any difference

He sounds very sensible.

How bad was it before his mum died? Could your dad need help in coping with all that's happened.

I have no idea about SS or Barnados, sorry, maybe you could ring them and ask them for advice? At the time of adpotion they must've seen your dad as a suitable parent

My heart really does go out to him, and you and I hope somebody comes along soon who can help you more

Miss T you are being a fantastic sister to him and your moral support will mean the world to him...even if you can't actually be there. The fact that you acknowledge and agree with his feelings that your Dad is not a good one will make a great difference.

I don't know what practical advice to give but someone else might know the legal position.

My gut instinct is that it's a good idea to find out from the authorities what he can and cannot do. At 14 he might(legally) have much more say in his future that he would have done at 7. He sounds like he's a sensible lad if he's already started thinking this way and if you are really willing to have him live at yours that might make all the difference for him when he puts his case to Social Services.

I expect Barnardos will have a post adoption support service. I'd be tempted to try talking to them first.

Poor, poor lad. I'm so glad he's got you looking out for him.

thanks for all the good advice everyone, ill try to contact barnardos this week and also try to speak to him about what he wants a bit more, i think he really just hopes dad will change and isnt thinking beyond if he doesnt, the problem also is that hes 14 and a half so it is difficult in that on the neglect side of things what would the social services consider neglect, he is expected to always ook his own food, dad spends most of the time it seems at the pub or in bed hungover, and he feels like he is constantly alone in the house. but then arent a lot of kids at that age if their parents work doing those things eg cooking for self etc while parents are working?? it seems dad is having a go at him a lot verbally for doing things like helping himself to food without asking - but if dads at the pub whats he supposed to do!? and i dunno would ss just see it as a moaning teenager and a dad who tells him off as im sure my dad would just deny the constant drinking and the comments of telling the boy he would send him back into care etc.
thanks so much for all your help so far xx

Such a sad story - poor lad. I have no useful advice really beyond what has been said here - would you be willing to foster him if things went that way? Could you have him live with you? There would need to be some kind of legal transfer, I guess, as you live so far away and your half-brother would need to change schools if he moved to yours.

Does he have lots of friends at school or is he a bit of a loner? Getting beyond the "I wish he woudl change" scenario, which is highly unlikely to happen, what does this lad want - does he want to stay or does he want to go somewhere nicer?

I can't really add anything useful but I think that you need to know how things stand and have support and so does he. Barnados sounds the sensible starting place. I would think that a lot depends on how happy he is at school and whether he has good friends there. Life seems so unfair sometimes.

he doesnt talk much about school so im not sure, trying to talk to him about anything is like the any teenage lad near impossible lol but i get the impression he would prefer to stay there but not keen on staying with his grandparents long term. i dont think he has many friends at school but i guess going from a few to none at a new school would still be a major jump. i think i could have him here no problems all i would want to check is moneywise what we would be entitled to as we struggle now with just my ds and im sure teenagers can be expensive!!! ie would we get his child benefit? tax credits for him too? if we would then i guess we could manage as im sure it wouldnt cost that much but without those i dunno if we could do more tha feed and clothe him like what would we do at birthdays etc i think we would struggle without a bit of those beneits!! i doubt he wants to come here to be honest, hes kind of said that it depends whether dad keeps saying he wants to send him back as if he does he says he just wants to be away from him as far as possible til he calms down - not likely i think but who knows! He probably wouldnt want to stay with me to be honest but i just want to be sure i know all the fat id need to know if he did, and be able to support his grandparents the best i can from a difference if he was to live with them permanently as i really cant see him staying with his dad til hes 16 1/2 when he finishes gcse's and beyond if dad doesnt change which i think is not likely to happen!!!!
will try barnardos today for advice, or local social services dept and see how far i get with that. will keep you all updated, thanks so much for advice

Let us know how it goes. With the summer holidays coming up could he just come to you for a week and see how it goes?

i think he will come for a week and then see, he might decide its the easy life here though, got to try and work out how to make him feel welcome but not like he will be waited on hand and foot and spoilt if he did decide to come here!!! i dont want him to come here just because he thinks were a soft touch compared to his grandparents for example, as long as he knows he woul be ok here and not like he is now with his dad i hope we can get balance right and make him realise here would be safe and settled but still not easy as new school, still have to do homework and tody room etc if thats what he chooses!

will let you know xx

Good luck, MissTired. Sounds like you're doing all the right things.

I don't really know what advice to give you, but my dh was adopted and very unhappy with his family who also threatened to put him back into care (and indeed did at one point at a similar age to your brother).

The only thing I would say is do not do nothing. Someone needs to intervene for the welfare of this child. He must be grieving for his mother and his father does not want him. It sounds like hell. It would be great if he could feel that someone somewhere cared about him and wanted him, even if he does not want to live with you.

I would suggest talking to his school. Under the Every Child Matters agenda they are much more linked in with Social services etc. They may be pulling their hair out to know who to talk to, they will also have good contacts with SS and maybe even an in school councillor.

If you don't know who to ask for, ask for either his head of year (or pastoral head) or the child protection person. They will know to treat issues like this with confidence (but will refer to SS or other people as necessary).

Good luck!