Feeling lost and confused

[sarkcutty]

I'm an ECR and am fortunate enough to have been awarded a research fellowship which I'm halfway through. I should be enjoying it but I am feeling a bit lost at the moment. Part of it is general worry about what comes after and the general state of academia/low morale and just a sense of fear/exhaustion from the constant precarity which I think has caught up with me.

I know I'm so lucky to be paid to read, write and research, but in all honestly, I'm so disillusioned with academia. I'm just not feeling stretched or excited by it (the metrics, REF, the obsession with student satisfaction). All around me, I see male colleagues who do very little work/coast and wait for others to do things first when they are joint tasks and yet they get promoted.

I know research is what I'm good at, but I don't think I'm actually good at academia. I have no interest in teaching/a lectureship and would love to work for a research think tank or the civil service. I just feel lost and guilty and am not sure what's wrong with me.

It was always my dream to research, read and write and for so long, I chased the opportunity to do it at whatever personal cost (weekends, evenings, having fun when all my friends were out and I had to stay in to finish a draft/meet a deadline). I'm in my 30s and don't own a house, having never had a permanent job, I'm struggled to get a mortgage. I took Christmas off properly for the first time this year and it was bliss. All I can think now is how much I'd love a permanent 9-5 job (a genuine permanent one as I know I'm ironically safer in a externally funded fellowship than my permanent colleagues at risk of redundancy), a proper pension plan and my own little place and weekends and evenings to myself where I'm not expected to be emailing people.

Is this a normal thing to feel a few years out from the PhD or is it time for me to move on to something new?

Personally, in your position I would look further afield for work. Your skills can be used in so many different contexts outside of academia in roles that have better benefits and prospects. The civil service comes to mind, but there are other organisations you can work for, depending on your subject area. I worked for the civil service many years ago and loved the structure of it. Good enough pay, good working hours, and clear progression.

I think the golden age of academia is over, the work is hard, under paid and precarious. I moved out of a lectureship as I could see that it was only going to get worse, with larger and larger cohorts, more admin and unrealistic expectations around research activity. Universities are short of money, recruiting weaker and weaker students in a bid to shore themselves up.

I may be biased, as I have entered academia later in my career but I don't see the appeal unless you do want to teach. If you don't you can use your skills elsewhere for better rewards.

Thanks so much @LCM001a I think your post hit the nail on the head in terms of what it is that I'm struggling with/craving at the moment - the lack of any real structure and progression has just really been wearing me down. I love the autonomy and flexibility of the job, but I just feel so unstructured and like I'm floating around clutching at straws trying to make sense of what it is I'm meant to be doing both day-to-day and longer term to progress/secure some stability.

I'm also struggling with the guilt of having won a really competitive fellowship and not continuing with a career in academia. I just feel like everyone who helped and the funders would be disappointed, but like you, the appeal of the job is diminishing with every year I spend in academia. It feels like everyone else around me is so invested and willing to make so many sacrifices, but the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can't go back to that way of living/working anymore. For that reason I can't talk to anyone at work or academic friends about how I feel as they'd feel like I was betraying the academic code if that makes sense.

I know others who have been awarded fellowships have been struggling to get jobs so in any case, finishing the fellowship might be a natural goodbye point for me in terms of academia and stepping away.

Thanks for the advice too and it's really helpful to hear your positive experiences of the civil service - I'm going to seriously look it and other related roles as the next step in my career.

Hi Sark

sorry you are feeling lost. I think this is more common than people admit for fellowships. A fellowship is v prestigious but can also be v lonely because you are not always integrated in an established group and aren’t a permanent part of the university. People without a fellowship are jealous, but it can be a lonely and difficult time.

I got a lectureship (despite not liking teaching) and I still think it can be a great option if it gives you a solid base to build a research group. As a lecturer, you can supervise PhD students and MSc students. And it is my research students who keep my interest in the research alive and who give me direction. I also do some teaching (not too much) and I do enjoy the flexibility of academic life and the ability to pursue my own topics. I don’t pay much attention to things like REF (think like the men!).

have you got a mentor? This could be a good time to reach out to them.
have you been to any good conferences recently? That can be a good way to get new ideas and find inspiration.

Hi OP

Sorry you're feeling lost. Make a week-to-week plan for your time, perhaps with a mentor, to give yourself some more structure in your days.

Finish the fellowship but try to concentrate on the good points as you finish it off - its a lovely job to have for the next couple of years while you see what else is out there. The end of the fellowship seems like a natural end point to leave academia. If you do this, there's less pressure for you to engage in academic bullshit - no publishing, no teaching, no grant applications. This frees up more time for you to acquire skills and experiences you might need for a sidestep.

I don't think there's an 'academic code' as such but I wouldn't be too vocal about being disillusioned or leaving after the fellowship, just in case people don't offer you opportunities that might be useful in your post-academia life.

I personally think academia is a good sector to work in. Being an academic is money for old rope. But its harder and harder to get in, and the sector's changing. I don't blame you for wanting to get out. Happy to chat via DM if you wanted to 😊

Please don’t feel guilty, you worked very hard to gain that fellowship, and you get to decide what you do with the skills and experience you get from it.

Also remember that at the end of the day, it is a job, and if it no longer suited the funders to pay you they would drop you like a hot potato.

Maybe by accepting that academia is not for you, you can step back from the pressure of it all and enjoy what you are doing. It’s unlikely you will get to do it again 😂

Move on. Academia is not for you - I think you need to want to do the whole thing, and if you can find a job that allows you to research and nothing much else (these jobs do exist!) then go for it. The Civil Service sounds like it'd be a good fit.

I'm primarily a researcher, but I know my research is enriched and extended and kept relevant by my other work in teaching and service to my scholarly community and my institution. As far as I'm concerned, teaching and participation in institutional and scholarly life, are really important - and they;'re the way I give back, for the privilege of being able to pursue my research under comfortable and reasonably well-paid conditions.

And don't feel guilty about moving on from academia - you've served your time, you've produced valuable work, now you want to do something else. Own it!

I agree with this totally. Remember its just a job.
You owe nothing to your colleagues, your funders, your institution, or the sector.

Some of the older hands here joined the profession at a better time. Remember that you can give a lot to scholarship, students and the institution - but even if you hold up your end of the bargain, the institution may still take advantage of a crisis to have a clear-out and suddenly shut your department down, or making everyone at a particular level redundant. There have many multiple threads on here about it.

The deal used to be that it was very competitive to get in, but then secure with reasonable intellectual and professional autonomy for the rest of your career. That is no longer the case.

It's definitely still worth it if you are based somewhere very strong - in one of the places which still has a strong intellectual culture. But a great deal of British academia has hollowed out remarkably quickly over the past ten years.

Many (most?) universities are chasing lower-grade volume to try and stabilise finances. You can still have a life of the mind outside. And better to move while you're still young (though the Civil Service is not recruiting much right now). Once you move you can begin to climb the career ladder. It will be harder making the transition as a 50-year-old Reader.

50 year old reader here, funnily enough .... GO! Honestly, if you're disenchanted now it won't get better and you're well-placed to make the move at your career stage. Be proud of what you've achieved, move on with your head held high.

Also - perhaps your discomfort is because 'the metrics, REF, the obsession with student satisfaction' is often in conflict with your core values as a serious researcher and intellectual, who really cares about their discipline and scholarly standards.

Academia is like an abusive relationship, we spend a lot of time afraid to leave and the slightest hint it really loves us draws us right back in. Make a positive plan to move out n at the end of your fellowship so you do t get sucked into needing the next one for your self esteem

I remember that at one point during the postdoc stage, my mentor said 'this is the best bit - enjoy it'.

I was surprised because not having a permanent post was so difficult, and he was so well-established and successful, and seemed to have great autonomy. At the time, I was spending so much time applying for new funding or new posts, which reduced my time for deep research.

It's so wasteful. There were some good patches once I got a permanent post - but ultimately he was right.

Staying means making a devil's bargain with both the field and the institution, and hoping that the funding environment goes your way.

If you reach the point where you realise you will have to do work you actively dislike just to satisfy the metrics and help keep the institution afloat, it's time to go. You might as well follow agendas set by others for better purpose, better pay and conditions, and in organisations where you are actively-valued.

I have something of an issue in encouraging others into academia because I think it can suit those who have feathered their nest and who have earned money elsewhere/who have family wealth. If you are in your 20s and want to get on the housing ladder/settle into a relationship/have children, I can’t in good conscience recommend it, at least in the humanities. The necessity to be mobile in pursuit of short-term contracts means that you can’t put roots down. It angers me to see extremely bright, accountable and hard-working people being so poorly rewarded.

I don't think anyone here is encouraging @sarkcutty into academia @fluffythecat1 Most of us are advising the OP to follow her gut, her heart, and her preferences, and leave at the end of the Fellowship.

I will reply to everyone when I get a proper moment, but just a quick message to say thanks so much everyone for the kind words, support and advice - it's actually made me quite emotional and a bit tearful hearing others put into words all the uncomfortable things I've been feeling (and avoiding dealing with) for so long, but have been unable to articulate xx

And I mean emotional in a good way! I've been burying my head in the sand for too long about this so it feels good to start tackling it straight on

No need to answer individually - think of this thread as your "thinking aloud" place. We'll all just respond, add on, muse ...

Thanks so much @parietal and yes, the unexpected loneliness of the fellowship has really hit me. I had always been jealous when I've heard of others being awarded them, but now I've got it, it feels like doing a PhD again but without any support or real community. It's not even academic support I necessarily need or want (though I love intellectual conversations). I just miss the structure and camaraderie of meeting my PhD supervisor once every month/few weeks for a catch-up, a gossip and of course to talk over my ideas/progress as well as their work and bounce off each other.

I have a mentor but they are all over the place (he has confessed on several occasions that he is terrible at articulating himself and his ideas in a coherent form) and our catch-ups are rambling and not very constructive despite my efforts to steer them/lead them. When I've sent him writing to look over/ask for advice, it's obvious that he won't have read it properly so it's very frustrating and just a box-ticking exercise. So this is one major reason for feeling a bit crappy!

It seems like you're not really after academic support like comments on your work, career advice so much as a regular schedule of catching up with people and feeling involved. I guess 'mentoring' will also be much less important now you're leaving the sector too.

I have two suggestions:
First, can you create a more informal meeting schedule with someone outside of your mentor.
Is there anyone else you get on with in your department, OP? Like a new-ish academic or an ECR?
If so, I'd email them and be kind of honest - "I'm feeling a bit isolated and wondered if we could set up a monthly catch-up just to check in with each other, chat about how work's going but also put the world to rights a bit more generally"

I think a lot of people would be pretty happy to do this.

Second, is there a regular seminar programme or similar that you could join, in your department or elsewhere?
If so, I'd join up and get along to as much as you can. It'd give your weeks some structure and you might meet some good people for suggestion number one here too.

Thanks @maybemrt this is how I feel! I agree the once golden age of academia that those like my old PhD supervisors enjoyed has gone and has been hollowed out. I often wonder why people stay given the conditions and overwork but then academic life is such a big part of people's identity, I understand how hard to make sense of life without it which is what keeps me holding on hope it'll get better. And yes @MotherOfCrocodiles a toxic relationship is exactly what I tell my friends it's like!

I'm in awe of those who find the energy to think up an exciting new idea/proposal in the midst of precarity and trying to secure the next job/post. Wasteful is exactly how it feels when you're so caught up in the bittiness of trying to juggle everything and there is no time/space for deep research. I have (or rather had) a million ideas for so many interesting little experimental research projects and exciting outputs (like podcasts, little films, etc) but I feel like all the creativity has been beaten out of me by the bureaucracy and rigidness of the metrics.

And yes @fluffythecat1 it's ironic that so much exciting new research comes from being in a place where you feel safe and secure enough to daydream/experiment and take risks, but you end up being denied that at the start of your career because you're expected to move around/work on 6/9 month posts.

I see male colleagues who do very little work/coast and wait for others to do things first when they are joint tasks and yet they get promoted.

I really hope it s different outside of academia - this has been a big issue for me too, with so called "leaders", "good guys", "one of the best" actually not stepping up to the plate when real leadership was needed.

I have found the level of lip service performative work done by male colleagues who actually shirk any kind of responsibility/collegiality in reality unbelievably exasperating. I'm part of a doctoral supervisory team where the male lead supervisor doesn't provide any significant support/do much despite being 'lead'. For example, he doesn't comment/provide any written feedback on a student's upgrade drafts, and it's evident he turns up to supervisions having only glanced at it about 5 mins before with a few random unhelpful general comments. As the least experienced person in the team, I follow the lead of my female co-supervisor who provides helpful written comments and constructive criticism/pointers for further development beforehand. It's so frustrating and unfair.

Thanks so much @KStockHERO for the practical tips. I co-run a research group (sadly it's not that active as everyone is so stretched so it feels more like a performative thing), I also supervise PhD students and am part of research groups beyond the university. I do think fellowships are intrinsically lonely given that they fall into a strange category.

I felt like this during my PhD too (a but like I was just floating around) but loved it once I was really immersed in the research and writing. I passed my Phd with no corrections and I wonder if I'm still burnt out from that and am resisting going back to the level of work I expect from myself and that's the real issue - it's like there is nothing/no motivation in the tank and I feel like I have no purpose/meaning anymore. It just takes so long to get anything done in academia given the pace of things, I feel despondent to even start/try which is terrible, I know.

And I'm not 100% sure I want to leave academia as it's such a big decision hence thinking it through here. Though that decision might be made for me once I start applying for jobs at the end of the fellowship if I can't secure anything.

I agree, this is everywhere in academia. I would not be surprised if it was in all professions. It reflects the mental load women carry at work and at home. The spin of the ‘good guys’ really rings true.

Leading a slugging research group takes a huge toll. Don't underestimate this as a factor in you feeling despondent.
I'm co-lead of a similar group and its a real buzz-kill.

I'd either formally step down from the role. Or I'd explore new ways of running the group to breathe a bit of life back into it. If they don't work, then I'd either step down formally or just step back from organising and leadership.