Viva anxiety becoming unmanageable

[MyPithyHedgehog]

I have my PhD viva (humanities) later this week. I’m an extremely anxious person at the best of times, but the anxiety I’m feeling at the thought of this flipping viva is more than I can deal with.

I’ve re-read my thesis but all that’s done is hammer home how inadequate it is. It’s at the point where whenever I try to do some prep I just freeze and can’t do it. I’ve tried mind-mapping the core questions but I just can’t articulate anything. What’s my contribution to the field? Can’t explain it. Can you summarise the thesis in a sentence? Nope. What would you do differently? I’d write a better thesis! It’s bringing me really low, and I know that’s not the frame of mind I need to be in going into this. I have very low self-esteem and I never got past the imposter syndrome. In my heart of hearts I just know I don’t deserve it - and if they do pass me it’ll feel like it can’t possibly be worth anything if they’ll let me have it. I know that’s a terrible attitude, and I’ve tried to not feel this way, but I just can’t get past it.

I had a meeting with my supervisors. They offered up all the usual platitudes - we wouldn’t have put you forward for the viva if we didn’t think it was a passable thesis, you’re not going to fail. I don’t feel the thesis was ready to go to viva but this PhD has taken me ages now and I’m wondering whether they’ve just decided to cut their losses and let me fall flat on my face.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just a handhold, really. I just don’t think I’m in a good place to take another rejection right now.

Try to work with concrete examples that will give you a bit more confidence. Presumably you wrote an abstract summarising your thesis and its contribution? So you don’t need to think of that on the spot - you have it already. Is it worth your supervisors alerting the examiners to how very nervous you are? Would it help to ask them to be present. At pretty much all the vivas I’ve been part of we have wanted to put the candidate at their ease, because we care about what they have done and want to find the best possible future for the piece of work. It’s as much about thinking about how best to publish/ market it as examining what you’ve done. Best of luck. Almost certainly it won’t be the awful ordeal you are expecting xx

Thanks for your helpful response, @blackpear - I do have an abstract, but I’m not sure it makes the best case for the originality of the thesis. I know the internal examiner is pretty nice. I’m told the external is, too. So that’s something to hang on to. I would be mortified to have my supervisor(s) there, to be honest. It’s bad enough that the examiners and chair are going to witness it. I know I’m not a serious prospect for publication so I’m not expecting too much focus on that. I have a feeling the focus will be more ‘this has all been done before, and better, so what’s the point’? Weirdly it’s the big questions like contribution, what my argument is etc that frighten me the most. More specific questions feel easier to answer. But re-reading the thesis has been such a kick in the confidence. It’s a binfire and I’m baffled as to how my supervisors could justify signing off on the viva.

as others have said, your supervisors would not let you submit the thesis if it was rubbish

can you write down on paper the 5 or 6 'big questions' that you think examiners might ask and that are scaring you? then meet with your supervisor and brainstorm ways to answer those questions. get the answers written down and learn them by heart.

if your supervisor can't meet, do the same with an academic friend / colleague / someone who knows your work.

then you will go into the viva with answers already prepared for the worst questions.

and you'll probably find that the actual viva is mostly much more pedestrian questions like 'now, on page 67 you said ... tell me a bit more about that ...'

This sounds like imposter syndrome. You have got this far and you can do it! It’s really hard but imposter syndrome is a common feeling. Maybe read around it and look at how to counter it?

It’s okay to show limitations in your work and explain how to make them better in an ideal world.

Thanks @parietal - my supervisors won’t have time to meet with me again before the viva, and there’s not really anyone else. I’m a bit embarrassed to get any other academics involved because of the quality of the work, tbh; I don’t particularly want to advertise the low standard of the work, even if I’m unlikely to ever be in the academic job market in future! I’ve been cautioned against learning things by heart in case my reeling something off robotically sets alarm bells ringing for the examiners. BUT I have written the big questions down and made bullet points for conversation instead. What will probably happen is that I’ll panic and won’t be able to process them on the day, anyway, but I guess I have to do something! I know it’ll sound crazy to anyone competent, but I have genuinely been considering just withdrawing to save face.

No thesis is perfect, they just have to be good enough! And, as you've submitted, your sup's must think it's good enough.

I'm nearly 18 months post-viva and I won't say it was fun, at all, but it did just have to be done, and reflecting back, the period between submission and eventual conferment is really odd and all a bit limbo-land. But it's just a process that has to be got through, and the vast majority of us do get through it just fine, most with varying requirements of corrections, but that's fine too.

I would strongly advise having one of your sup's as an observer, mine took copious notes which she handed me straight after and they were so helpful as she noted all the positive stuff that I immediately forgot as I was so focused on all the tricky stuff.

And, it would be bonkers not be worried about it, it's a massive thing, but you will survive it!

Good luck.

Are you able to do a presentation? I had this option and it was really helpful to have a handful of slides with essential stuff on that meant I got all that out of the way in the first 10-15 minutes.

Thanks @Emelene - I’ve done so much training on imposter syndrome but it’s never helped. I just can’t position myself as someone who’s actually competent and just doesn’t know it. I can’t stop telling myself ‘it isn’t imposter syndrome if you’re actually an imposter’. I genuinely can’t understand how I’ve managed to blag my way to this point. I’ve spent the last few years surrounded by actually capable people and they’re just on a different level to me. All of them. I’ve never fitted in in the academic community. I’ve never been able to talk about my research. I reassured myself it would get easier but it just never did.

It sounds like you have spent so much time working on this thesis, that you're lost in the weeds and can't see the bigger picture any more.
Maybe give yourself a bit of a break for 24 hours and get busy with something else to distract yourself?
I've not done a PhD myself, but supported a close family member who did one. That feeling of hopelessness seems to be a pretty common thing that a lot of people go through. You say you can't see yourself going on to an academic career, so try to think of this viva as a means to an end. Trust the process - your supervisors are confident your work is OK, so if by some chance (unlikely) it isn't, then that's a reflection on them as much as you. The worst case scenario is probably that they suggest some corrections that you have to do and then re-submit. Even if that happens, it's just one more hoop to jump through. You can do this. In five years' time, this will all be a distant memory. You CAN do it! Good luck 🍀

Thanks @PolterGoose - I can’t imagine how I would even go about putting a presentation together about it at this late stage. I’m a dreadful presenter anyway so I doubt it would be to my advantage. I think going for the conversational approach is the least worst option for me, but thanks for the suggestion. My supervisor wouldn’t be able to sit in on any case as she’ll be in another meeting. But again, I think the fewer people the less likely I’ll clam up or, worse, start waffling!

Do not withdraw.

What made you excited about your subject?
Why study for a PhD?
Why this topic?
What have you loved most about the last few years?
What's been the best bit?
Was there a moment in your research where you had a realisation about your subject or something that made you look at it differently?

Can you remember the fascination you first had that led you to apply, read, research and then write up the whole thing?
It is a major achievement to have reached this point.

You are amazing to have succeeded at every stage so that this week you get to talk about your lovely subject and wonderful research.

If you can talk about your subject and why you love it, they will pick up on this and it will be a great conversation about your work.

And you'll be a doctor by the end of the week xxxx

Good luck, you'll smash it xxxx

Thanks for the kind words, @Couchpotato3 - I truly am trying to convince myself that my supervisors aren’t steering me wrong, but I can’t. I would be delighted with just corrections, but if it’s a revise and resubmit or anything like that I just don’t think I’ll cope. I’m sorry I ever started down this path, honestly. If I could go back I’d tell myself to catch myself on!

This really is completely normal, and your examiners will want to pass you, and the fact they've agreed to examine means they're interested already!

I remember not long after mine was officially done, thinking that I'd like to do another one now using all the knowledge about how to do a PhD I'd learned along the way without all the angst, but of course the whole point of a PhD is that you start out not knowing, and it's the learning how to research as we go that's fundamental to the whole thing.

Thanks @MyrtleLion - I freeze when I think about answering any of those questions, that’s the trouble. I honestly can’t remember why I did it. I was going from job to job and just sort of stumbled into it (story of my life). I doubt the examiners will be impressed by that as an explanation, though! I guess I just feel a bit dissociated from the whole thing. I absolutely hate stuff like this. Talking about my research/work/achievements just leaves me feeling so shitty and mediocre. It always has. The feeling I have right now is the same feeling I had in a previous job where we were asked to draw self-portraits and describe our jobs in a training exercise and I just broke down. I can’t explain it. Thank you for the encouraging words, though - that’s really kind.

@PolterGoose You’re tougher than me. Hell will be empty before I do another degree after this! I honestly can’t think what I’ve learned or anything. It’s like my brain is just repelling everything about it. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry.

It's your supervisors' job to tell you when you are ready so I would believe them that you are ready.

Imposter syndrome is usually experienced by very intelligent people as a way of ensuring they're not running ahead of the group and getting it wrong. It's an evolutionary mechanism to keep us safe. It's checking in with others before you commit.

It's normal and I think the fact that you're asking these questions shows me that you are very good at underestimating yourself.

You have a nice internal examiner and a nice external examiner. Your supervisors are rooting for you. So are we. We're here to support you too and celebrate when it's finished.

Do let us know what happens and hang around here if you need support beforehand x

I was so anxious before my Viva I could hardly speak, couldn't eat, it was horrible. I passed anyway. Then I used the degree to go into the civil service. Took a good few years but I built up a sense of competence over time. Now coming up to retirement and a very confident person. Don't give up. Life is long and you can overcome these feelings of inadequacy.

@MyrtleLion That’s so kind, thank you.

Thanks @PrivacyScreen - I tend to go the other way; I keep stuffing my face like I always do when I’m feeling this way. Glad it worked out for you, that’s encouraging.

Remind yourself of what has prompted you to spend all this time on the topic. What you discovered that fascinated you, what you have learned.

Re-find that enthusiasm so it can shine through.
The whole topic will be something that, if put in a room of the average person - even the average Mumsnet person 😜 - YOU will have the most knowledge. It’s totally true. You probably know more about it than the person who will be listening to you, so allow them to be excited to learn from you.

also, the person to whom you present the viva, will be willing you to do well, and will give you prompt questions if you get stuck.

All the best.

That's how I felt after it was all over! Throughout, I had many many instances of completely falling apart and being certain I could never do it. So many hurdles I thought I'd never be able to cross. You've done the hardest bit in producing a submittable thesis.

Have you watched Tara Brabazon's viva vlogs? They were the most helpful resource for me.

A couple of things to add having skim read the thread - a PhD is training in research and the main point of the viva is for the examiners to reassure themselves that you have actually done the work in the thesis and can discuss and defend what you have done with your (now) peers.

Many PhDs don't result in world changing results and findings - that doesn't matter - all you have to have done is a novel study and thus made a contribution to knowledge. The examiners aren't there to say it isn't important or big enough to pass - that is not their job.

So don't fret! Listen to your supervisors - your examiners will do all they can to put you at ease and it's fine to be nervous. And they may well have a view on what you have done that will make you realise it has been worth it.

I know it's not what you want to hear but I was absolutely terrified the first time I examined a PhD because you have to come up with several intelligent questions for the candidate who is the expert now in their field of study!

@PolterGoose I’ll take a look, thank you!

Thanks @Mytholmroyd - both my examiners are leaders in the subject. I’d be very surprised if I’ve contributed anything they don’t already know. Then again, perhaps having experienced examiners is a good thing. I really don’t know anymore. Every time I imagine it it all looks worse. I don’t feel I know my own work at all well. I did write it, God knows I remember that bit, but I feel removed from it as if I didn’t. It’s really hard to describe.

I’m not sure this will help OP but it sounds like this really isn’t about the viva is it? Or even about the PhD in general? Reading through your posts it sounds like you have crippling low self-esteem and anxiety and so anything big that you put yourself forward for would make you feel this way. When this viva is all over I think you should really try to address the reasons behind it and maybe try some therapy or something because you deserve to be happy and you deserve to feel confident and self-assured. Everyone does.

Maybe it might help to think of it in these terms though? Your anxiety and fear is not specific to the viva, it’s because it’s something you struggle with more generally. Your mind is playing tricks on you. You are not in a good position to objectively assess the quality of your work because you’re feeling so crap about yourself. Let the examiners do that job. Your supervisors have already done that to a certain extent too and think you’re ready. Trust me when I say we would not put any old crap forward, if a thesis is bad and we think it might not pass we get students to rework things.

Just get through it as best you can one step at a time. Hopefully after it’s over you might finally allow yourself to feel proud of what you’ve accomplished.