Managing recurring miscarriages as an academic

[Cariad90]

I’m very fortunate to have one daughter, but before she was born I went through two missed miscarriages and had surgical management with them both. My daughter is now 4 and we’ve decided to try for a second, but I’ve just found out it’s another missed miscarriage and I’m booked in for surgical management on Tuesday. We don’t know why it happened but we plan to try again. I’m pretty sure that there will be more missed miscarriages down the line given my track record.

The problem is, I really don’t know if I can cope with going through this during my heavy teaching semester which starts at the end of January. I’ve never told my line manager about my previous miscarriages and just booked the surgery day as a medical appointment each time. This meant going about business as normal even though I was obviously very upset and processing a lot of emotions.

At the same time, I can’t really afford to wait given that I am almost 35 and have a history of recurrent miscarriages. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I’ve debated whether to tell my line manager but I think he’d just feel awkward, and I’m not sure that he can really do anything to help. No matter what, it’s always going to be a major issue if I have to cancel classes last minute. I’ll be teaching most days, so I will inevitably end up cancelling a fair chunk of my teaching which I’ll then likely have to record myself at a later date for students to catch up on, adding extra stress. If I were to miscarry naturally, the impact would be even bigger as I’d miss more days.

I hate that in this job you can’t just call up HR and take a week off to recover whilst someone else covers your responsibilities. You just come back to an even bigger workload than before, plus disgruntled students annoyed that you’ve cancelled classes. It makes going through this so much more difficult.

I'm sorry for your losses.

Honestly, screw work.

I was very fortunate to just have the one MMC but my manager was very supportive, and also during my pregnancies and returns from maternity leave. I know not everyone is as lucky.

Leaving the emotional side aside for a second, if you have a miscarriage, you are too unwell to work for however long is necessary. Just as your teaching would have to be rescheduled if you had hyperemesis or norovirus or flu or broke your leg, your manager needs to deal. Personally, I would tell him why you're off and that it's happened before without you needing leave so he knows you're not a piss taker and also that you're dealing with a lot.

I've had to reorganise teaching in the past due to illness and it's fine (although yes room bookings are a pain). All you can do is keep the students informed about practicalities (because they're much less likely to complain if they have an idea of when they'll see you again and catch up) and juggle things best you can.

Don't plan your family around work.

Sorry you are going through this op. I also have one child and was a phd student, then a post-doc, with some teaching when trying for a second and had 7 miscarriages. It was difficult. My advice would be to talk to your line manager - perhaps in a matter of fact way (this is what is happening now/might happen in future, just so you know) and then take the days and weeks you need to recover if things don't go to plan.

Thanks both for sharing your experience and sorry that you have had to go through this too 💕 I think you’re right. Next time I’m pregnant I think I will speak to my new line manager (it’s changing soon so probably no point bringing it up with the existing one) if it’s during my teaching semester so that if the worst happens I can just let them know and they’re expecting it. I may also tell the person I’m co-teaching with (even though I don’t know them that well) so that it’s not a surprise to them if it happens and they’re hopefully better prepared to step in and move some classes around.

This time I will probably keep it to myself as there’s nothing they can do to help anyway.

Honestly don’t do this to yourself. It’s just a job. Students might complain but so what? They’ll cope. Also I’m sure at points you’ve had to step up to cover other people’s workload when they’ve been ill or had a bereavement etc so don’t feel bad if you have to. My GP was also very willing to sign me off work for a long period if you need it - I didn’t because I didn’t think it would be helpful but I would have if I’d needed it.

I also found that colleagues were so sympathetic (mine was different in that I’ve only had one but it was quite late on). Miscarriage is something that no one talks about so you might be surprised how many of your colleagues or their partners have been affected by it and genuinely want to help you.

you don't have to discuss with colleagues / managers if you don't want to. you could say something vague like - "I have a medical issue that might affect me at short notice so can we plan for co-teacher to be able to step in if I'm unable to come to work on a particular day". then you can take time off when you need to without feeling it is going to add to your workload when you get back.

and do take the time off that you need.

I'm so sorry for your losses. It's hard. I've had multiple MMCs and then ended up having our daughter via IVF and was put on 6 weeks of bedrest in the early stages of my pregnancy. I just got generic medical certificates from my GP. I personally never told work what was going on as it was my 'safe space' - the only place I was treated normally.

I'm teaching intensive and if I had too, I just provided my colleagues with my course materials so they could step in last minute OR I put up a recording from a previous semester. There was never any issue. As others have mentioned, put you and your family first. Best of luck x

i very much agree with others. You and your family are what is important. Although you say you cannot talk to HR I would actually possibly suggest that as a route. It is further down the line but many uni’s are becoming more aware and are recognising issues in relation to women’s health and wellbeing as a result of the growing awareness of menopause. Are your Uni signed up to the Athena Swann charter? If they are then that should help. I always find the issue with line managers is that they are only ever thinking about budgets and filling teaching hours.