Relationship with supervisor

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I’m only halfway through my first year of a PhD. I was awarded a prestigious fellowship and shopped around for a supervisor. The one I chose seemed totally ‘normal’. It became clear in the first few months this was not the case - or our relationship at least does not seem normal. She is Jekyll and Hyde. Sometimes she is nice and supportive. Other times she belittles me, she’s mean to me, and she’s passive-aggressive. Sometimes in front of other people. The thought of the next three years having to walk on eggshells because of her moods is making me really unhappy. My friends who are academics have said it is not acceptable, and that I should talk to the postgraduate director of education. However, it’s Oxbridge and I’m in a very small department and I worry that telling someone will make the whole thing more toxic. Anyone any suggestions? Thank you.

I am Oxbridge too, professional services staff but my advice is that you approach senior colleagues, Head of Department or whichever academic is the director of postgrad education - check your course handbook for the contact. You can be pretty sure that your supervisor will be already known as a problem in the department. Push for a change of supervisor now, early in your PhD so you can enjoy the next couple of years without the stress of supervisor difficulties, don’t suffer in silence.

Contact your college advisor or Dept Director of Graduate studies and ask for a chat.

If your supervisor is like that they will probably already have an inkling of it.

Options are to add in another supervisor and dilute the situation, or, as you are early on, switch to another supervisor. You may be able to frame to as a change of focus so everyone can avoid conflict.

Your funding is yours - you can take it and switch to another supervisor. People are likely to be happy to take you because you have your own money. I almost did that end of my first year (also Oxbridge). I didn't in the end - but it was tough going. I talked to college dean but not much help there frankly. If you can't identify an alternative supervisor then at least get an advisor alongside. Does she have other students?

She does have other students - though I’m not sure who they are - and I wish I’d done some due diligence and talked to them prior to signing up with her.

you have the fellowship so you have the power - you can pick whoever is qualified to be your supervisor.

Do talk to your local graduate tutor / director of graduate studies etc. it may well be that this person is known to be difficult and you will get support to swap.

if you are going to swap to a different supervisor, do it sooner rather than later. So have a good think about what the alternatives are and how that would impact your project. are you in science or humanities? would a change of supervisor impact on your access to labs or resources?

This sounds like a variant on my relationship with my supervisor, OP. I also had unrestricted funding and my supervisor recruited me early on. He was quite senior and had turned away some other students, and I liked the research topic, although I liked a couple of others equally well.

All these years later I am of two minds about the whole thing. I agree with @parietal that you should make up your mind soon, and with everyone that a temperamental supervisor’s tendencies are likely to be well known.

Is there a pattern to the belittlement? My supervisor tended to insult stupid mistakes in junior colleagues and students he fundamentally respected, so I learned to let those roll off. But the only time I was late for a seminar (by five min, because I hadn’t got word of the room change) he spent the next few minutes literally yelling at me in front of everyone, banning me from the post seminar drinks, etc. It was too strange for words. Similar things happened to each if his students occasionally.

But he performed the essential features of the job well, and I relied heavily on a junior academic in the field when I needed to talk a difficult point through with someone. And all of his students got excellent jobs. I am not sure I would have stuck it (because I have elided a lot) without all the networking he encouraged. IMO that should be a key consideration

I would start by trying to figure out who this woman’s recent students were and what their first jobs were. I would measure that against the frustrations you describe and your likely future if you change supervisors, because while you can be successful after changing I do think any student making a change will (unfairly) need to overcome an element of doubt. I am in no way defending that

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I do worry that changing supervisors - however valid the reason - would not be a good look. I will do some research on the career paths of her former students.

She is Jekyll and Hyde. Sometimes she is nice and supportive. Other times she belittles me, she’s mean to me, and she’s passive-aggressive.

As PPs have asked, I'm wondering if there's a pattern to your supervisor's moods & behaviour? Is she under abnormally tough pressures at particular times? I know I am sometimes so slammed by other parts of my workload that I can be a bit brusque for the first few minutes of a supervision, until I relax into it, and become present (and try to put all other matters out of my mind for 90 minutes). Are you more than usually reliant or dependent? (I have one student who wants my mobile phone number & to see me fortnightly - no way!)

If none of those things is the issue, then you do need to move supervisors. I had a lucky escape from a supervisor who was starting to use my work in teaching - he went on a year's sabbatical (and in those days you didn't have to keep on supervising while on sabbatical as we do now). He'd been my supervisor for a year, so I shifted after a year & it wasn't an issue. His sabbatical was a good moment to change supervisors.

A friend had an Oxbridge (International Relations) PhD supervisor who was exactly like this and it got worse and worse as her research went on. Constantly switching from being super supportive to belittling and cruel. Every supervision would end with my friend crying. But sometimes the supervisor would cry too?? It was insane. My friend was fully funded, but I think she didn't quite cotton on early enough that she could switch, and she had a very stressful time.

I really do think for your own sanity you should investigate switching supervisor. My friend isn't in academia any more because of this woman.

I'm doing my PhD now, and my supervisor could not be more different, and I'm having a lovely time (so far!).

Hi, I am sorry to hear this.

It does sound like you know fundamentally what you want, and if you are going to change supervisor my impression is it’s best to do this early (depending on your area, the direction of your research might change in the first year anyway).

What is harder is when a supervisor throws the student just enough to keep them hooked, so you get fired up to request a change, then you have a good-enough supervision and decide it’s not worth the downside. Think dodgy romantic relationship- the student -supervisor relationship is inherently very unequal and the same sort of dynamics can apply (I know academics can also experience pressure in the other direction).

Do you have a second supervisor? If not, are you supposed to have one and can you request one?

I'm a Russell Group professor. It's been standard practice in most places for some years to have two supervisors- now shifting to three a fair bit. You don't mention a second supervisor. Is there one? What about a Director of Doctoral Studies? Agree with others you need to discuss this with someone senior and sympathetic.

Up to 5 for some of my students now! It’s extremely field dependent though I think.

This sounds very familiar, sadly. I almost think I might know your supervisor but I think you’ve just described a common academic type. Definitely find out if you are meant to have a second supervisor and tell someone about what’s happening. As it’s a small department, maybe go for someone who is outside the immediate department - I find Oxbridge structures confusing but most places have a university wide ‘research degrees school’ or similar. There should be someone with pastoral responsibility for you. These sorts of experiences with supervisors are all too common, one reason why many places have brought in team supervision and more pastoral oversight. Moving early in the project won’t necessarily look bad, it probably won’t come up later down the road. If asked you can always just say the focus of the project changed.