On the verge of a PhD breakdown

[Hownowbrownsheep]

I'm not sure what I need from this post. Maybe kind words and tips!

I hate my PhD so much. I know this is very common and normal. I've read the brilliant 'Valley of Sh*t' blog post many times. I've also read some great threads on here, reminding me that the PhD just has to be written, it's only pass/fail, no one else will read it etc.

My supervisors are absolutely wonderful, but there's not much else they can do for me short of writing the thing for me.

I spend hours and hours procrastinating. I've learned about this, and am trying to be kind to myself, understand that this is actually caused by fear and low self esteem. Have had therapy. Also procrastin-eating, and always skipping gym, feel awful and exhausted.

I have three very young DC, so with mat leave I have been dragging this nonsense out for almost a decade. Feel so guilty for wasting time that I could have spent with my DC who get very upset when I go to work.

I probably have ADHD, very impulsive/disorganised/hyperfocused on the wrong things, or maybe my attention is just shot from phone addiction. I can never finish an article. I just start on new ones and have 5 trails of thought going at once, adding snippets to several chapters at once and get very muddled.

I'm wondering if I need to do something dramatic. Like go to sleep when DC do at 7pm and start writing at 4am, so I can spend more time with the kids.

It's a humanities PhD and I have realised in the course of writing it (and by reading MN threads!) that academia is not for me and I want to run away to the private sector or to the Civil Service. Overall I just don't care about it at all, but I am alledgedly submitting it in 6 months. I have written about half of it.

Thanks for listening lovely MNers

It’s over 20 years since I wrote my PhD but I remember feeling like I was standing at the bottom of a mountain half the time!

I'm a morning person, so found that I needed to getting typing as early as possible to get anything done, would force myself to write about 1000 words before stopping for a break and would be so busy congratulating myself for doing that much that I’d fail to get back to the computer for the rest of the day…. (I’d organise paper to read, go for walks to think about what to write next, cooked lots of cakes, painted walls - pretty much anything else).

I know your supervisors will have given you all sorts of tips but what worked for me was to write headings down the page and then start just jotting notes under each headings before joining those notes into proper paragraphs. The thing I find hardest is writing the first line of any section - so I do that last.

You need to find a time of day and technique that works for you and then just blast it.

PhDs are a test of endurance as well as of knowledge!

Good luck, you’ve come this far with it, so keep on keeping on.

Alternately, what happens if you run away now? You're not going into academia and it doesn't give you that much of a career boost to graduate. You'll have a few awkward interview questions that you'll need to prep for, but you're already going to have to explain why it took 10 years.

ADHD medication got me through. If you can’t get hold of any you could try giving up caffeine for a couple of weeks and then kicking off again with a strong coffee, I found it can be a decent motivator in the absence of anything else. I wish I had other advice, but basically I used chemicals to push through, and then I was too worn out to publish anything afterwards.

People who have jobs to go to after their PhD seem to do their writing up much better than people who don’t have a plan in mind. You seem to be one of the latter. No idea what you’ll do so nothing to strive for. The closer you get to the finish line, the closer you get to having no purpose and nothing left to do. The PhD itself becomes the goal, rather than what’s on the other side of the PhD. It’s demotivating.

Firstly you need a plan lined up. Start looking at options and applying for jobs. Get a feel for what you can do, get excited about it. Secondly you need to break your writing down into sections with individual deadlines on a calendar. Try writing outlines for each section then filling in the blanks, you’ll feel better when you have a rough outline and the whole document is in place.

Does this sort of procrastination affect your life more broadly or is it just the PhD? I had similar difficulties and was later diagnosed with autism.

Hi, I have been there! It was a great many years ago and I’ve since supervised a number of students but I’ve learnt that the only thing that works is to sit down and just do it, in the first instance. You can’t identify which hours of the day work for you until you’ve had the run of a few cycles.

Break it into manageable chunks, by task rather than by time. Saying “today I will write this paragraph” is far more efficient than saying “by 1pm I will finish x”.

There are longer-term tips and there are shorter-term tips:

Shorter-term: tackle a sentence or paragraph at a time in the first instance. Do a very small amount of work and leave at a stage where you will want to return.

Longer-term tips: once you’ve done the above, perhaps a few times, look at the bigger picture. Use your supervisor to set goals for chapter completion. Put those deadlines on a calendar or in diary and structure your time, day by day if necessary.

Then go back to shorter-term. The trick is to go shorter when you feel overwhelm.

Dont forget to factor in lots of nice things while you are doing the actual writing. I bought myself a nice CD every time I completed a certain section.

You can do this! Someone has already invested hope in you. Now invest it in yourself.

Meant to say - forget jobs, careers, ADHD, etc. These musings are not useful right now. Your focus has to be getting this written. Think about those things later, when the time is appropriate. Writing a thesis is all-consuming. You don’t have time to dwell on these other factors, especially not with 3 children as well. Focus is key.

Agreed - finding the right way to do it becomes another form of procrastination. Like childbirth, the only way out is through.

I also graduated 20+ years ago.
In the depths of "the fear", I'd make myself write 100 words. Then 500. I'd aim for 2000 day. Just keep writing. You've got this.

If you do have ADHD there are tools that will get you through this and the college will have a department that can assist you.

Most mothers in academia that I know, of younger DC anyway, get up at 4am. Otherwise it's impossible to write and deal with family life and the huge amount of citizenship and administration women get at work.

Thank you all so much! This is all very helpful, lots of pearls of wisdom which I can implement. I feel so much better now with all of this solidarity and kindness.

@ditzzy I love that point about endurance, so true I had not thought of it like that.

@StamppotAndGravy I just couldn't bear to quit now. I know it may be the sunken cost fallacy but just uuuggggh no I need to get it done.

@Happyinarcon I have been sooo tempted to try this. I read a great Guardian article which made it sound equally appealing and appaling. Sounds like you had a rough time post-submission.

@Bluefell Yes I think I need a job lined up as that would feel like a true deadline. Applying for jobs is one of my more productive recent distractions

Does this sort of procrastination affect your life more broadly or is it just the PhD? I had similar difficulties and was later diagnosed with autism.
It affects every single aspect of my life, I also tick a fair few boxes for female autism as do a large number of my (deeply in denial) family.

@DoneThings but then you are so right, I just need to DO IT. Focus is definitely key. I really struggle to focus. I have read half of the book Stolen Focus (couldn't finish it, I lost focus!!) and I really need to re-find my ability to focus. I might go analogue and get rid of my devices.

@bibliomania @IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads @3luckystars @Arrestedmanevolence thank you all, these are all very good points/tips.

You've all made me feel so much better, I'm very grateful. I'm going to write 1000 words right now and I'm not allowed back on mumsnet until I've done so.

If you can get a timer, 20 minutes, then 5 minute break (take the break, even if you don’t want to) and you will be amazing.

Just keep doing the 20 minutes, every chance you get. This really works. Good luck.

Was nearly 20 years ago for me with one toddler. Dh used to take her 100% on Saturdays so I could work and I had 2 days nursery I paid out of my grant. I'm not sure how I would have coped without that as I didn't find it possible to work in sole charge of dd who would not be alone for 2 seconds. (Of course now as a older teen it's the other way around 🙄) Do you or can you get time actually to yourself during the day/weekend without the kids?

I so hear you on the lack of focus and procrastination - and in all areas of life. Oh the things I might have done if only I could stop flitting about and actually finish stuff. I did crack on and finish my thesis though I think largely because I was working to a deadline and really wanted it done. Visualise that final submission and the profound relief of it!

But now I'm working on a book proposal and dear God what a nightmare of indecision and faffing - starting in one direction then another - terrible problems focussing. Maybe we should be writing buddies.

Oh, I just replied to your other identical post.. In which I said, it's ok not to complete it. You won't be a failure if you stop at this point. In fact, if you're not interested in it and don't want to be an academic, why are you continuing at the expense of your mental health?

Honestly if you ate genuinely struggling I would really weigh up the value in it. Lots of people don't complete. And as someone who has had students and staff have mental health breakdowns due to the pressure they put on themselves it really isn't worth it in the long run.

If you do decide you want to keep going having got this far, then I would be getting up early and going to bed early, writing while you are still fresh. Concentrate on keeping your bibliography up to date as you write and concentrate on one chapter at a time.

The best advice I got given was to make sure it is cogent so think about your narrative arc throughout.

I used the pomodoro technique. You commit to 25 mins of focus on one thing: like tidying up a paragraph. Then a break. Then you go again. For each 25 mins, you must have a plan/an aim.

I also found I couldn't write well at home, surrounded by clutter, distractions, the internet. One afternoon per week I went to a cafe. It was noisy but not distracting in the same way as home. In fact I think I found the noise and the bustle helped me; it took away some of the pressure I felt when sat in a quiet office. And the wifi was awful which was actually a blessing. All I could do there was write or read, and I mostly wrote.

If you are around half way there, that's amazing! Every 25 mins you do is 25 mins closer to finishing the damn thing! You can do it.

Hi OP, I was where you are 18 months ago.

What worked for me was giving up all ideas of my PhD being some sort of wonderful breakthrough/my last ever word on the subject and accepting that it would always fall short of my lofty ideas at the start, but that I wanted to finish and therefore had to approach it like a job of work.

Be really practical. Break it down into chunks- what do you need to get written to get where you need to be? Break it down further- for chapter 5 you need to argue X, Y and Z. For X, you need the following 10 paragraphs. For paragraph 1 you need the following references, etc etc. Put it in a spreadsheet if it helps.

Getting up at 4am is not a bad idea at all. Then get your spreadsheet, pick a paragraph and write it- don't feel you have to wait for the muse to descend. Just force yourself to write it. It doesn't matter if it's a bit rubbish- you can edit later. It does not need to be elegant at this stage.

(Reference everything as you go though- they don't need to be beautiful but they do need to be good enough that you can find your source later on and fix.)

A blank page is really intimidating and anxiety-inducing, especially if you think you have to write something brilliant, and that leads to paralysis. 100,000 words (or whatever) of poorly written prose is much less intimidating and anxiety-inducing- editing is a complete breeze compared to writing, everything can be fixed, it takes much less time and you can actually see the finish line. Just write.

Some great advice here. What about some sort of dictation software? Can talk through your thoughts and ideas out loud/after reading something, and can get some words onto a page that you can sort out later.

My mum was a PHD supervisor, and over the years she dealt with procrastinating students by shutting them in her office for a couple of hours with a family size bar of chocolate, a cup of coffee with their laptop with all the papers they needed to read saved to it and no phone or internet. I did the same to myself when I was finalising my masters thesis - I went to a friend's house with a packed lunch and just worked solidly whilst they were at work in their house with no distractions for a week and got a full draft of 3 chapters down that I could tinker with. Obviously you have 10x as much to write as that, but just removing yourself from a situation with distractions for some solid hours might help.

I haven't done a PHD (it's in the future maybe plans), but for my masters thesis I found thinking about the whole thing intimidating. I separated files into discrete ideas, then into chapters, and dealt with them all in separate files. At at least one stage I literally printed everything and cut out paragraphs and physical moved them around as it was easier visually for me to do it like that than on screen, then stuck them together with sellotape and handwrote around them before I changed them on screen. I dealt with everything in discrete chapters: you get to see the progress as you tick off a full draft of each section and each bit seems more achievable. I didn't put them all into one document until after I had proof-read a full second draft (ie proof read and words cropped) of each chapter separately.

Firstly, have faith in yourself! I was the exact same as you, I am a master procrastinator and find that I need to really get the "fear" to spur me into action with anything work related. I found that breaking the write-up into small sections really helped me get over the line (and setting myself small, achievable deadlines). I planned out all the sections of my thesis prior to starting writing and then focused on subheadings each day - setting myself a target of 500 words per day. I found that I was then beating my target of 500 words and it was boosting my confidence! Just focus on getting something down on paper and editing later, it will never be perfect the first time you write. And only a very small number of people will actually read your thesis so it doesnt matter if its not 1000% perfect. You can do it!

I don't have a PhD, but I'm self-employed and struggle with procrastination. Getting up really early and starting straight away really helps me. I can get a surprising amount done in a couple of hours before anyone else wakes up.

Aaahhh so many wonderful ideas and tips, thank you all. You've given me faith that I CAN do it.

You're very right suggesting being locked away and getting up early. I've had a few 5am starts and that is definitely the productive window, combined with switching off the wifi and leaving my phone locked away.

I will keep revisiting this thread, it's so useful. Whilst trying not to get sucked into my Mumsnet addiction.

Thank you so much for sharing your positivity and support, I no longer feel alone.

Also, I'm sure you're on this but (1) save every version separately, so if you delete something and then decide later that actually you want to revisit that thought, you still have it and don't have to remember what you wrote, and (2) back up the current version each day (email it to yourself and e.g. to your mum, etc).

You can do this, OP!

My advice (academic and PhD supervisor in the humanities) is to make sure you are only trying to do one thing at a time. So before each working session decide whether you are:

• writing a "shitty first draft" (Anne Lamont). In this case, your only task is to write 1000 words (or whatever your goal for the day is). Don't worry about the quality, don't go back and edit, don't stop to look up things in papers, just get the words down on paper.
• research/reading papers - at this stage of the research I would do this AFTER you've written your shitty first draft, and have identified the gaps in your knowledge that absolutely must be filled. There is literally no end to the reading you can do for the PhD so just focus on the absolute essentials, and focus on the information you need to extract to finish the PhD.
• editing. This is a separate job from writing. Personally, I would wait until you have a full draft of the chapter done before you go back and edit it.

As a PP said, this isn't about writing a perfect PhD (they don't exist), it's about writing a PhD that will pass and allow you to go on with the rest of your life. (This is true for all PhDs, btw.)

For real? I don’t know anyone who does this. I’m flabbergasted. Do they go to bed very early? How do they manage? Or are they the “I only need 4 hours of sleep” types?

Nevertheless, getting it done early also worked for me. I wrote from 8am until 9am every weekday before work, and then took half a day at the weekend. This was in the final stages of my PhD for about six months before I submitted. I love need a salient time pressure, otherwise the work expands to fill the time.

I ~love~ need a salient time pressure, otherwise the work expands to fill the time.

Yes! Time required expands to meet time allowed is my motto