Any academic single mums?

[MiserableToad]

I am at a real crosspoint in my career and looking for advice. I am just finishing up a social sciences PhD. I have a 2 year old child, and am in an absolutely garbage relationship with her dad. Should note that when I started my PhD I didn't plan on getting pregnant and also my relationship seemed solid, but here we are. As the PhD has progressed, my relationship with DD's dad has deteriorated to the point where I would not be in this relationship unless I had DD. He has been unsupportive of necessary field trips and conference presentations, derisive about my PhD, constantly calls me stupid and accuses me of not having a real job, hates all my "woke" academic friends, and to be honest just seems to despise me. All round shit.

Anyway here is the problem - I simply do not see how I can go on the job market with a toddler and without a supportive partner? Postdocs involve short contracts, often a relocation, at the very least a long long commute. It was always going to be a challenge. But doing it either in an unsupportive relationship or as a single mum feels impossible - I woud never relocate and take DD away from her dad, but also I could not commute without her dad being at home to do childminder drop offs and to look after her when I'm not here.

I am thinking now that I need to re-evaluate my whole life, focus on getting the PhD and getting a permanent partime job that pays well enough to support myself and DD, and be done with academia. It fills me with sadness. I feel that I have already sacrificed so much of DD's precious babyhood trying to finish this PhD, and also sacrificed the amazing opportunity that was my PhD by getting pregnant to a man who turned out to just be no good. I don't know what I'm asking really. All the academics that I know either have lovely supportive relationships or have no kids. Is there a way to do it - either in my current relationship, or outside of it? Have any of you done the single academic mum thing, and if so, how? Is it worth trying?

I fairly recently had a colleague in a very similar position to you (single parent/small child) just completing her PhD in a sociology related field. She went into the Civil Service with her doctorate and experience and they snatched her up as she had loads of transferable skills - hybrid working, permanent contract and way better than early career pay.

Hi @MiserableToad I'm sorry to hear this. My ex left when I was about a similar point in my Doc and with a young toddler. I am in a slightly different position as I work as an SL for an AHP programme so have some degree of flexibility on a teaching / educational pathway. I work full time and publish but my position is permanent and I am not under the same grant requirements as my research focussed colleagues. I don't know if this type of contract is an option but another thing I looked into was working for the OU, based mostly at home. Perhaps this may be an option for the early years of your child's life? Just to say that I am a completely lone parent with no local family or support from my ex. It had been a bit juggly at times but works well now (4 years post doc). I hope you can find something to suit you.

I separated from my DD's dad just before starting my PhD. In a way, you have already passed the potential effects on your PhD that had a big impact on my career - I had to teach a lot and take on other paid roles to supplement my PhD funding, at the expense of publishing. I've missed out on jobs because of this. And finished the PhD with debts.

I'm currently in a post doc at the same uni as I did my PhD. Academia is more flexible than most jobs, so it can be better from a childcare perspective (but not from a "in the office at weekends" perspective - not my thing anyway, but perhaps accept you will not compete with workaholics with no kids).

Generally I'd say just apply for jobs where you currently live - I agree on not moving away from your DC's dad - academic and public sector/civil service. Look on www.jobs.ac.uk for academic and professional services posts (increasingly these are filled by people with PhDs in areas like impact, knowledge exchange, etc). The civil service jobs website. Local third sector jobs sites, for the research/policy jobs.

In general, don't be too fussy. I was prepared to take whatever I could get as I knew I wasn't in a position to hang around waiting for the perfect job (whatever that is). My post doc is fine, but I've kept that mentality - when my contract runs out in 16 months, I might stay in academia, I might not. It's more important that my DD has a financially stable home.

A careers appt is a good idea, they will confirm that more people move in and out of academia these days (and back again), which is reassuring if you need to do something else for a while.

Lastly, be alert to retrospective justifications with the PhD. Yes, it's a slog, and not doing something that feels directly related to it can feel like a "waste", but it's not really like that. The skills are transferable, and that justification is used to tolerate a lot of shit in academia that you wouldn't get in other sectors. People do all kinds of things with their PhDs, and it's certainly no failure to leave academia.

I did most of my phd as a single mum starting when DS was a baby. I was also worried about being able to continue as you were, and so worked on a longer term plan B at the same time, resulting in working mad hours. Now I'm coming to the realisation that I was really lacking confidence, partly because I had an ex who sounded a lot like yours.

I know stability is important as a single mum, but if you are flexible with the topics you get involved with and are good at your job you will likely keep finding post-doc work. There are lots of remote and hybrid positions and also there are also lots of research/ policy jobs. Or a teaching position at a non research focused uni couple years down the line?

Have you had a careers service appointment? They can be really helpful, even if it’s just to review your CV.

Extract as much support as you can from the university while your fees are paying for it!

This is hard indeed. I'm sorry to hear. I think there are a few things to think about / ask for if you are going to try academia as a single mum (I'm a mid-career academic mum. have considered becoming a single mum)

• Child care. some universities provide excellent, subsidised child care, or emergency child care. Others (like mine) provide basically none. Also you would need to have supportive colleagues that can fill in for you last minute (e.g. for teaching) when your kid gets sick.
• how many post postdocs / prospects of securing a faculty position. Some fields are more competitive than others. Think about realistically how far away are you from securing a faculty position.
• Getting tenure. Similarly, talk to people in your department to assess how realistic it is then to get tenure in your desired faculty and university. Conditions for tenure are negoctiable (how many papers in which journals in how many years).
• Travel. Academic jobs require a fair amount of being away from home usually. It sounds like you have field work too. Also workshops, conferences etc. Can you rely on the dad, or do you have other support?
• Costs. Academic positions are paid really poorly generally compared to outside options.
• Timings. If you can find a fairly decently paid and flexible post-doc position that you think you can manage with your kid, then the flexibility that that brings (while the kid is litle little) may outweigh the downsides, compared to say a private sector job.

good luck!