Job move woes

[NearlyAlwaysInsane]

Brief story is this. Am close to a job offer from an overseas institution, running my own unit. No teaching. Salary more than double what I make in the UK, plus significant benefits (housing allowance, free private schooling in international schools for the DDs). Offer of a temporary OR full time post for DW, who has a job here. In part, it's what I have always dreamt of, professionally speaking.

BUT my DW feels settled, has never considered the country we'd be moving to (in Asia, where we both have experience to some degree), and argues (rightly) that we'd be super far away from any family/relatives support. And that it might be difficult to make the move back to the UK if it goes pear-shaped, since the academic jobs market is so competitive in the UK.

And I also feel somewhat settled, but also stagnant. Have been working at the same institution for years, and despite attempts to start my own group here, the institutional inertia is massive. However, I also have the experience of moving countries as a child, and I have memories of it being emotionally traumatic, including around losing that warm and close bond with e.g. cousins, grandparents etc. But I also now know that I benefited from it in terms of living in a different culture, language learning, etc. So I am fully onboard with DW when she argues that we'd be putting ourselves in a difficult place.

But part of me wonders whether I'm giving up something that may not ever be a possibility for me in the UK, and whether giving up the chance to earn in the 100s of thousands of £ is frankly stupidity, especially in the current climate and given what I currently earn. And I know that part of my wanting to stay in the UK is based on fear, and that little voice telling me that I can't do the role because I'm crap (hello, academic low self-esteem!), regardless of the fact that I've pulled in and managed plenty of grants, postdocs, etc. And wondering why, with a family, everything feels so much more heavy.....when ten years ago I may have approached this as more of an adventure than anything else.

Rant over. I don't really have any questions to ask here. But I'm finding it a real dilemma.

How old are your kids? We went through this dilemma for years when dd was younger. I desperately wanted to go back overseas (Africa/Asia we had come back prior to having dd) but we dithered and dithered about moving dd who seemed very settled, shy, heat-averse and home-loving. In the end we never did. I honestly do not know if we should have gone or not - but it is only really in the last few years that I have stopped yearning for it. Other friends did make the move - there are clearly pros and cons both way. They certainly are more secure financially and have moved on professionally. We are getting back on track - but deciding to stay put turned out to be a major professional downer - especially for me as an academic but then also for dh.

Yes - without kids we'd have just gone in a shot or even had one of us go and try it out first. Just commiserating. I'd be so keen to go IIWY but I know it's not that simple.

Yeah, the DDs are 7 and almost 5. Same here about how settled they are, and my older DD also struggled with humidity etc. To be honest it feels a little like giving up a dream.....but then again life changes, doesn't it. And it's a decision we have to make as a couple - I'm not willing to 'push' when there is so much anxiety on DW's side.

this is a tricky one because it really is between you and your DW.

the kids will adapt. they are young enough to settle anywhere if you and DW tell them lots of positive things.

some questions to think about re the work

• what is the career structure like there? how would you get promoted?
• what grants are available? and is it feasible to get them?
• are their other 'foreigners' on the faculty of this university?
• can you get PhD students? including from overseas?
• how well do you know the department you will be joining? do you have any trusted friends who are there, or only people who are selling the job to you?

if you have positive answers to all these kind of questions, then you are in a much stronger position to go for it.

It’s a big ask, DW uprooting and traipsing after your career. Being a family unit both parties need to be fully on board.

I think it's important that you are both fully on board if you make this move. Things we've come across in our considerations:
-Does the pay level work out to actually be more with the relative cost of living overseas?
-I'd be reluctant to move kids over 12 overseas. It seems to be very hard on them.

yes kids would adapt. However I moved about when young and now pointedly choose to provide more consistency for my family. As an older child it became quite upsetting, ending/changing relationships and building new relationships.