Children's homework with full load

[Scattergun80]

Perhaps the wrong place for this question - but I know many academics have children who are a little neurodiverse, and the work context is so specific.

8yo daughter's school report has just come in and it's very average. Not a problem, but her effort level probably is a problem. She has no interest - she does the bare minimum.

I scan her homework and often have to give it back to her to do again. She is getting better at just delaying finishing so that there is no time to have to re-do it.

Over lockdown she spent a lot of time staring into space or not doing her tasks, often to the point of tears, despite promises of rewards/sanctions. We just didn't have time to sit with her, which is what she said she wanted. This isn't about attention I think, rather that if she has to do schoolwork she'd rather have company and help; but she prefers not to have our attention because it tends to mean she gets to do more of what she wants.

This term I enrolled her in a lot of activities to make up for what she's missed, which has taken a fair bit of time driving around. Her homework has been shunted to Sundays and slivers of time.

I thought exercise and swimming were important but wonder whether she should have caught up with her handwriting instead, which looks years below her expected level.

She likes reading and has got really into a well-known series, so her reading is fine. Everything else is patchy and she isn't interested.

I suspect ADHD (family history and additional risk factors too). I just realised today that she might need quite a lot of support every day, perhaps needs to get home after 3.30 rather than doing activities and wraparound care. She probably needs consistent one-to-one attention just to get through what she needs to learn.

My partner & I are both full-time academics/researchers and it is a strain to fit it all into 8-5.30.

I don't want to work part-time, and think this isn't something that can be solved by the bit of tutoring we could afford.

I also find sitting with her to help with her homework - explaining arithmetic, explaining what the worksheet is really asking her to do - difficult and frustrating.

What works, and what gives?

My oldest never knew how to work and would get so cross and upset about homework. We ended up shoehorning minecraft into everything. This is possible by the way - "build a theatre" (in minecraft) "create a map" (in minecraft) - "build a motte and bailey castle" (in minecraft).

He also typed all his homework from about age 8. This helped. And also meant it was legible.

It clicked for him at about age 12.

I sympathise. It was hard enough with DD1, she struggled with reading and poor concentration. But everything just clicked for her a year ago (she’s 14). She managed to work on her own during the last lockdown.

DD2 is much harder. She’s 11 (another year at primary as we’re in Scotland). She’s dyslexic and really can struggle. She gets so frustrated snd I don’t know the best way of helping her. The two lockdowns were awful. We gave up after a while (carried on reading) as it was so distressing for her and we were going backwards,, It really worries me when she starts secondary next year.

Sorry, not much help there but you’re not alone with funding ut difficult.

Could you find a nice student or sixth former to sit with her and help with homework? Often when parents do it they are too invested and get all stressy. Doing homework at age 8 is boring, and kids are given far too much these days IMO. The top priority is getting her to do her work happily - if it is a struggle now, and you make it tense, this will only get worse in secondary.

Is her writing really that bad? Has a primary school teacher told you this?

It does sound like you could be overdoing it a bit with all the acitivities. What does your daughter want to do after school?

IME a lot of academics have very high expectations, both due to their own academic standards and the fact they only really see those at University, and this must be hard for the offspring.

Her teachers have been positive. But, the past couple of years have been very disrupted - I'm not sure they know her very well. She seems fine and is doing okay, then I see handwriting from other children her age. She's very fluent verbally at home, and seems a bright little button to me, but it's not getting expressed on paper, or at school.

I was struck that someone posted at the same time about fitting in toddler care around our sort of job. I had hoped that beyond the nappy stage there was more time and freedom!

Minecraft as a go-to output is a good idea.

Also having a student around to do homework support. That's a great idea.

I don't mind her not being one of the best in her class - but she is generally keen to please, so I'm at a loss that she doesn't try, in fact the opposite. She's quietly effective at not doing what she's been asked to do, without us really noticing.

Which will be a skill in many organisations of course, so long as we can get her through the school stage.

@lannistunut what does she want to do after school? Devices devices devices. Ideally more than one at once.

Not an academic (although my brother is, & his handwriting is TERRIBLE), but I have a probably neurodiverse 9 year old. I would say firstly that 8 is still young for written fluency to kick in, and they develop a lot during the junior school years. Secondly, if you're more concerned about the effort side of things, is it worth thinking more about intrinsic motivation and how to cultivate that?

How much homework does she get?

Also an academic with ADHD kiddo here. First, your DC is 8, do they really have to do homework at all? Often schools give this out because parents expect it, bit honestly, the pedagogic benefits (according to the research) seem thin to nonexistent. If you are convinced that they really have to do it, then I would suggest two things. First, finding an after-school childminder who doesn't mind helping with homework (we have used students in the past). Second, if they have meds, talk to your psych about having a 'minidose' for homework nights. Often meds are wearing off by 3.30/4 and your kiddo is just done in after keeping it together all day. Another alternative is to ask school for more time and do homework Sat/Sun am.

Oh and if the handwriting doesn't really come (my DC's never has), don't sweat it. Get her typing instead. There are lots of fun 'game' type programmes to get her learning. A school reasonable adjustment plan should include laptop use if needed. I mean honestly, how often do you handwrite lectures, books? It honestly doesn't matter that stuff.

Feel free to DM me if you want. Being an academic mum is hard enough - being an academic mum with a kid who has additional needs is rock hard. We need to stick together!

If she's in wraparound care cant she do it there?

Finishinf affter 5 AND activities AND homework is a lot...

One way to think about it might be different modes of working

• school - the whole room is full of people working so I better work too
• home - no one else working in this room so I'll just stare into space
• home with student/tutor - it becomes very easy to ask the tutor for help & not work independently.

another option might be to set her up to work alongside you? so if you sit with your laptop at home doing some (easy) work and she does homework alongside? Working beside another person might help her focus, and she can be a bit more independent than with a tutor, but has more structure than being alone?

At eight I personally would just get rid of the devices, then in a month's time ask her again what she wants to do after school.

I would also ask a teacher about the writing - one of mine writes much less well in terms of letter formation than his peers - but he reads a lot and has great ideas - long term these matter more.

To help improve writing without forcing writing anything that works on fine motor skills e.g. colouring, sewing, modelling, origami will help.

I have ADHD. No matter how much I want to do something if my mind thinks its boring or hard it is not going to get done until I have a miraculous spurt, which is usually just before the deadline. I'm newly diagnosed and am waiting for a meds appt but exercise and healthy eating are the two greatest things I can do to help my concentration. Having the diagnosis has also meant I can stop beating myself up when I simply can't concentrate on something I'd like to do.

If your daughter does have undiagnosed ADHD she's going to be working incredibly hard to get through the school day, so its no surprise her mind doesn't have anymore to give in an evening/weekend esp when there are extracurricular activities requiring her concentration too.

I've been funded a PA through A2W who meets with me three times a week to help put my thoughts into action. This has transformed my productivity so I think the tutor would be an excellent option to explore.

Do you need to stay in academia? I left after my maternity leave and have found using my teaching skills alongside my entrepreneurial side to be more rewarding and I'm working less hours for more pay

Thanks all. The ADHD 'family history' is partly me - am just adjusting to the medication after a recent diagnosis - but not just me.

She doesn't have a diagnosis yet. It's expensive or alternatively a long waiting list. Tutoring might be a better investment.

The activities keep her stimulated and the exercise is good for her. She likes them, once she has been peeled away from her screen (this afternoon with attitudes and tears). It's just hard to fit everything in.

She's aware of being different and expresses it very precisely, which is hard to hear. I guess I had just hoped that at some point she would figure out how to play the game, but that point might not come.

She was very keen to work alongside me during lockdown. I found it impossible. She chats and fidgets and wanted everything to be explained clearly, only to forget immediately.

I don't need to stay in academia but do need to see my current projects through and more generally be kept busy in good work even if I moved sectors. I suspect I'm rather older than @F107 - switching gets harder further on. The security also matters to me. And I want to provide for her future as well as make sure I can always provide for myself if need be.

Equally, her education and ability to cope are so important - am just beginning to realise that I can't just cross my fingers and hope she grows out it.

I agree that the devices have to be hidden away.

She's really lucky you're thinking of her so much

That's a kind thing to say... I have a sense of how her mind works, but think she has it worse, and I have no patience, which is a problem. It's not one that can be solved with quick-fixes and deadline blitzes.

Thank you for so many understanding and informed replies .

Good luck with it

I’m an academic. My dd has “high functioning” autism. She is also extremely bright and finds the work itself extremely easy. She needs help with organization and understanding the often very imprecise teacher instructions. As an adult with the same brain makeup, I can’t really blame her, I find the presentation of information from her school equally frustrating.

Ultimately something had to give and that was one of us working fewer hours. Dd went through a level of high stress for a few years and there just wasn’t any other way through. Then the pandemic hit and we did remote school for a year and a half. I’m hoping I can increase my hours at some point soon, but I’m just not sure when that can happen exactly.

One thing that might work is hiring an older teen or university student to provide after school care and homework time every day. Alternatively any sort of academically inclined nanny could work, but kids often respond well to working with someone they view as a bit more of a friend then a supervisor. At her age she doesn’t likely need tutoring, she just needs someone to get her home, get her a snack, go through her school bag and help her focus on her work.

Thank you @Micemakingclothes - that's a great idea.

All this advice has really, really helped. I'm slowly realising that she can't change her behaviours simply by trying (or being nagged relentlessly), and that we have to make the context much more supportive.

@Scattergun80

Thank you *@Micemakingclothes* - that's a great idea.

All this advice has really, really helped. I'm slowly realising that she can't change her behaviours simply by trying (or being nagged relentlessly), and that we have to make the context much more supportive.

That was the biggest thing we learned when DD went through her period of high stress. We came up with all sorts of plans to meet her where she is instead of trying to get her to where we wanted her to be and suddenly our lives got so much better.

I realized that I had been using many of those same techniques my entire adult life so it was surprisingly easy for me to step into that role for my own child. Now instead of arguing we have lists and flip charts and positive incentives that she tracks herself. One concrete example, instead of getting frustrated that her school bag was a disaster, I sat down with her and asked why it was hard to keep it organized. Then I ignored her teacher’s mandated system and came up with one that worked for dd. Suddenly no more lost and crumpled papers. All she needed was clear single pocket folders sorted by goal instead of opaque double pocket folders sorted by subject. If her teacher even noticed she certainly didn’t complain.