Balancing toddler & career - help!

[isitlunchtimeyet89]

Hi everyone,

I had a baby last June and returned to work in January, though I haven't taught this academic year.

I'm finding it super hard to balance everything because:

1. I used to work 9-5, with some evening and weekend work when I felt like it/when it was needed. Now, by the time I do childcare drop offs and basic housework and admin that needs to be done during the day, I'm not working a full day (my typical day is now 9.30 - 4 at best). I'm finding I don't work in the evenings as by the time she's in bed it can be 8pm and by the time I've had dinner and got things ready for the next day (e.g prep her food, pack her bag, wash her bottles, basic laundry) I just want to sleep as I don't know what time she'll be up in the morning or whether she'll wake in the night! Plus, I don't want to burn myself out even further.

1. Childcare can fall through at the moment (e.g. a whole week off nursery self isolating recently due to a Covid case amongst the staff) and I have to cancel everything short notice, which I'm finding super stressful.

1. I have major brain fog and just can't theorise the way I used to. I can do basic work but complex theorising seems to be beyond me. I think it's part tiredness, part working from home and needing a change of scenery, and I can't see either changing any time soon.

I feel like a shadow of my former self academically and don't know how I can keep up with expectations, especially once I return to teaching. I'm embarrassed at how much the quality and quantity of my work is deteriorating and I feel like quitting, but I'm not really qualified for anything else on an equivalent salary

Does it get better? Do things change? Have you found any ways to balance this better? Do I just need to embrace a drop in standards

P.S. My husband is working long hours and is not available to do the childcare drop offs or pick ups (not his fault, a change to his job due to covid that we hadn't anticipated when planning the baby), so he can't help.

So I guess I am saying - solidarity, it will pass, cling on if you can, say no to everything that doesn’t actively progrsss your career if at all possible. You can do service work when your children are older.

This is all really helpful to read. I heard from a colleague that she felt like things were back on track when her eldest reached 8, but my only is now 9 and I feel like I'm barely in 'return mode'! Nice to read that I'm not as unusually behind as all that...

I echo the sentiment to not go part-time - especially if it's research that you're missing. UNLESS you can get significant admin/teaching reduction - I have a male colleague that went half-time for 6 months after each of his children were born, and was able to step off all his committees and reduce his teaching. He reported he got lots more research done in that period (because he was working more than the half time he was paid for, and entirely on research). Also, since he'd gone off committees, it took a good year or so before his admin ramped back up. In contrast, female colleagues have gone part-time and have just found themselves with less time for research. Or, found that they were coming to the end of an 80% period but had been working 40+ hrs a week anyway, and realising that they would now be expected to produce 25% again more work on a 100% contract and wondering where they were going to find the time.

I see you are struggling to get in the hours - if you can't manage at night, can you do some mornings? I'm one of those oddities who is a morning person, and I work 6am-7:30am before the child awakes many mornings. It's quite a good time for writing as no one is sending me emails!

Also solidarity in being the main bread-winner. I have a disabled DH who will never be able to work more than part time, and he does as much as he can regarding childcare (he's off with the child at a summer activity right now), but he has limits and I find I have more than my fair share of household chores as he can't physically manage. Then it turns out I have a much milder disability (only diagnosed after I couldn't cope with everything after a baby) - I should go part time for my health, but we can't afford it. So I just hope that I earn enough while I can continue to work to buffer a period if I really can't manage.

With my dc1 it took a year or so to get back into it. The sweet spot was ages 2-4 when she was in nursery 8-6 and I could really power through work..once school started it was harder though and I've since had a dc2. I'd say the best thing is to get used to doing quick pick up work - learn to theorise in the car on the school run, and learn to quickly wrote things down rather than agonise over wording. Don't check emails until evening and all teaching and non research work.gets left until evening because you don't need to be 100% brain awake to get the admin tasks ticked off. I do basically work all the time, have no hobbies and am exhausted though!

Ha the irony. Wrote things down

This is all really useful advice, thank you! I definitely need to get better at just getting my ideas down, and abandoning my old perfectionist ways!

It sounds like I need to become an early bird, but I really struggle to get up much before 7! I used to be a night owl but these days I'm too tired to do anything too mentally challenging after 9PM. I'm going to go easy on myself for August and then try some 5am starts in September. Maybe I can train myself into it (she says dubiously...)

I've had a total nightmare the past few months. My daughter goes to nursery 2 days a week (the rest of the time she's at my Mums, fortunately, otherwise I'd have been truly screwed) and she's constantly either too ill to go in or being sent home with a temperature even when she seems well enough to go (and required to get a negative Covid test before she can go back). I think she's been in for one full day since June, so I've been having two days off a week looking after her. Not sure what happens if this continues I guess these lockdown babies just have really poor immune systems from being so isolated for so long!

Hope you're all having a productive and/or restful summer

@murmuration that sounds so tough, you really have your hands full! I hope things get easier for you with time, and that you're able to go part time if you want to x