Precariously employed/no time for research, writing/general overwhelm

[DesiccatedCoconut]

Hi all,

Looking for, I don't know, a hand-hold or advice or just connection or something...

I graduated with my PhD in late 2016. I had a terrible viva experience and major revisions, but I got it in and graduated. However, I parked my thesis for a while because emotions and anxiety. I have a contract with Routledge for a book (not based on my thesis) in a series. I have had several extensions to the original deadline, but am still finding it hard to attain any kind of momentum. I am still very motivated to research and write it, but I find it so hard to manage my time with parenting and the work I do that pays the bills. My current deadline is July 31st and I have zero hope of making that. I'm not under any illusions about job prospects in academia, but neither do I want to stagnate, and I would like to eventually publish my doctoral research.

On top of fairly bitty hourly-paid lecturing that offers no guaranteed income from one semester to the next, I do a lot of freelance proofreading and editing. I sometimes have multiple deadlines a week (occasionally a day) and I find it very difficult to do any kind of research/writing when I have a ticking clock over my head. My house is a tip for the same reason. I feel guilty if I do any housework other than the day-to-day things like dishes. I find it difficult to turn down proofreading/editing work because of very deep-seated fears about money and again because there is no guaranteed income. It's also very difficult switching between proofreading scientific/medical articles and trying to focus on my own work (humanities - Classics). I feel like I have mental whiplash all the time. With lockdown etc. and no real employment/institutional status, I have had no access to academic libraries in the last year, and no dedicated workspace.

My partner works in retail with a fairly meagre salary, which doesn't help with my money anxieties. He is not great in terms of work around the house and I don't think that will change at this stage. We have one DD, almost 11, who I know feels like I work too much and I feel guilty about her all the time, particularly because she is an only child.

All of this means that I have no "legitimate" time off where I am not feeling bad about not researching/writing/spending time with DD/hoovering up cobwebs and mopping floors.

I know something has to give, but I have no idea how to get unstuck. Just wondering whether anyone has found themselves in a similar situation. I feel like I am drowning a lot of the time. I'm 40 and feel like I am failing at life. Is this just how it is?

Sorry for the long post.

I didn't want to leave you unanswered though there are no quick fixes or answers...

Immediate thoughts:

• how close are you with the book? I would be tempted to cut your losses with it (use what you have done for something else) and prioritise a monograph if you can do it

• have you come across the Researchers into Schools scheme? This would give you earmarked research time and is designed for PhD holders, including classicists: thebrilliantclub.org/researchers-in-schools/ (unfortunately this year's deadline is midnight tonight...)

• HE is in a bad state and it might be a good point to pivot - it might be worth hanging on if it were definitely going to improve within a couple of years. Think about what your bright lines are for leaving or staying

• you have achieved a lot, and on the outside it is so impressive - a family, a PhD, expertise in a high-status discipline.... you just sound a bit burned out and less able to think clearly about how far you've come and where you're going. Perhaps carve out some focused time for thinking about the future and how to get there. There is so much you can do. And if you want to carry on, then think about how to make continuing more fulfilling so you can enjoy family life and time with your daughter.