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Negative self comparison - how to stop?

5 replies

goingpearshaped · 11/05/2021 21:25

Hello,

I am in a real negative spiral at the moment. Did a seminar talk today for prestigious uni and felt t did not go great. No idea who was there as could not see ( teams). Skipped one small study as could not see clock on my pc and phone timed out. Am sure it was fine but I feel bad about it. I can't stop ruminating, likely as I am generally feeling crap about it all.

Feeling v neg generally. Recently promoted to Reader so this is silly but I feel mega imposter syndrome and crap on grant funding as pi. I have big admin roles which are taking time and good to my PhD students. That's ok.

How do you get out of this spiral? Maybe reflective of the utter nightmare of home schooling, extra teaching and all that jazz we just experienced.

Thanks.
Pp

OP posts:
parietal · 11/05/2021 21:37

it is all hard at the moment. given a talk on Teams is HORRIBLE with no feedback at all.

But you've just been promoted to Reader. you are doing great.

Maybe clear a couple of days in your diary with NO meetings and no admin. Read a couple of papers / watch a talk online / take a nice walk (to contemplate) / think about what made you get into research in the first place.

And remember, this job is a marathon (not a sprint). it just goes on and on. As long as you stay in the game, you are succeeding.

goingpearshaped · 11/05/2021 21:42

Thanks @parietal, that is so helpful. It is the lack of thinking time so you are right. I will locate some days to think, read and just embrace research. 👍. You are kind and wise!

OP posts:
woodington · 14/05/2021 09:52

@goingpearshaped - I don't have much advice but I can offer sympathy. I feel much the same, most of the time. And it sounds like objectively you are doing a lot better than me! I do try to remind myself that this is a tough career, which invites imposter syndrome, partly because of the personality profile of people who go into it perhaps, and also because it is very feedback heavy, with so much competition and rejection. That just is quite hard. Like Parietal said, I also try to focus on the positive aspects, when I remember to do so. I do feel extraordinarily fortunate that I am able to research a subject I love. Even with the knockbacks and self-doubt it is many times better than some alternative careers. I also think we've all given good talks and not such good talks - I've heard some big names in my field give truly terrible talks! And it was probably a lot better than you thought.

NoviceGardenLady · 19/05/2021 13:35

Hello OP

There are, I think, two related issues here. Your title suggests that you're feeling negative because you constantly compare yourself to other people. But the content of you post suggests that you have insecurities about yourself compounded by your performance on Teams yesterday.

These are, of course, related because doing 'well' or doing 'badly' is always comparative. But I think they're two separate issues to deal with.

The internal feelings of imposter syndrome and just generally not doing well are really hard to combat. I struggled with it for a long time at the start of my career because I struggled to get published, I didn't have grant income (still don't have a huge amount), I didn't feel I knew as much as other colleagues, and I always felt like my points/interpretations were stupid.

I'll be honest, I just stopped giving a shit. I stopped caring what my colleagues thought of me, I just did what I did, said what I said and then went home at the end of the day. Who cares if I don't know as much as others? Who cares if I made a stupid point in a Department meeting? Who cares if I don't have grant income?

Another colleague that I talk about this kind of stuff with said that she takes the approach 'fake it until you make it'. On her way to work every day she says a mantra in her head like 'I am brilliant at my job, I am a world-leading researcher, I am an excellent lecturer'. She's starting to believe it Grin

The other thing is to focus on what you do have, not what you don't. Academia is terrible for telling us where we need to do more rather than celebrating or recognising the things that we have done. The sector constantly pushes for everyone to be 'world-leading' at literally everything we do. But that isn't possible, it's not how people are. I am excellent at crafting but absolutely shit at cooking. I have a terrible memory for most things but I'm weirdly brilliant at directions. I don't beat myself up for being a crap cook or never remembering any conversations because you can't be brilliant at everything. Academia needs to recognise and remember that and celebrate people for the things that they are good at.
So you don't have much income but you've just been promoted which is massive, you have some publications that you're proud of, you're an excellent PhD supervisor, and you are great at your admin roles. Go you. There's tonnes for you to feel proud of there.

The second issue is comparing yourself to other people. This is rife in academia and hard to get away from. It's built into our work where we have to build on and use other people's work as a basis for our own. Try to avoid looking at other people's websites for no particular reason. Remember these are the places where we give the most polished side of ourselves.

The other thing to remember is that you don't know why some people are excelling. Some people may work 7-days a week to achieve what they are doing, some people might just be working in a really hot area right now, some people might be besties with funding panel chairs. There are several 'stars' in my field (Sociology) whose parents are academics including one whose dad is a massive massive name. She is a reader at a top university and has collaborated/written with some really big names in the field. I take all her work with a massive pinch of salt but if I didn't know who her dad was, I'd be looking at her thinking "God, I'm never going to be that good".

BTW, no-one else thinks you're an imposter otherwise you wouldn't have just been promoted. Congratulations on your promotion Grin Grin

NoviceGardenLady · 19/05/2021 13:37

Also meant to add - I'm sure your talk was fine. I've been to lots and have found them all to be pretty dull, unengaging, badly-timed. It's a weird format and, by now, we're all so frazzled that tasks we'd usually nail in-person (like a talk/presentation) are a bit off. Don't sweat it.

I did a Zoom talk earlier this year and thought I'd turned off my camera when I hadn't. I think it was okay but I know I was making lots of faces, I was moving around loads and I'm pretty sure I'd have picked my nose a few times Blush

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