Children child fans

[Randomneim]

Hello! I’m putting this in academic corner but it applies everywhere- some of my circs are academic specific though. So: I’m 39, in a long term relationship with a man who doesn’t want kids, and I’ve always been meh to nope about my own. As the window is closing I want to be sure I’m making the right decision. When I read the non having children threads on here I’m struck by how many people who are sure about not having them say they don’t really like them or know how to talk to them. I’ve not yet found a me. I love being with my nephews so much, and being active in caring and mucking in a lot. I love babies. I don’t want my own because to me, in all the experience of mucking in and seeing the loss of sleep and freedom and solitude etc it seems like having kids is at once transcendent and total hell. My thought is: i love auntying a lot, i am actually a real kid person, but rationally I don’t love being around them enough to give up what id have to give up. I guess i haven’t got an urge even though I have a kid enthusiasm, so to me it’s a matter of a kind of weighing up. If you want kids you have an urge that would outweigh this calculus, right? I’m more like - I’d consider it if my partner wanted to be a primary carer and we had money and we lived in Sweden. In reality I’m an ecr and we live in different cities and he doesn’t like kids. All things considered it’s a fairly happy no. Also I work far from my family and have to and want to go home to them regularly which a baby would make impossible. I just feel weird because I don’t know any other happily childless kid fans. I guess I just want reinforcement. Thoughts appreciated!

*child free child fans should be title

I was like you and then found as time went on and nieces and nephews got older, apart from one, they wanted less time with me; it made me so unhappy (even though it’s natural) and that’s when I realised it was because I was using them as substitute children and wanted one myself. So we started ttc, I had fertility issues and it took years for me to finally get a bfp.

At your age if there is any doubt at all you should just start ttc. Outside of mumsnet, in real life, nobody ever regrets having kids; they just regret not having them.

Outside of mumsnet, in real life, nobody ever regrets having kids

Not true at all! Lots of women regret having kids. They just don't make a lot of noise about it, for obvious reasons.

I don't regret my kids at all, but they can destroy your life that is for sure.

OP, about having an urge. Some women have an urge, yes, but I'm not sure it means anything. For example, I didn't have an urge. It was mostly just fear of missing out, for me. I figured, I already know what not having kids is like. But it turns out I adore my kids, and it's the best decision I ever made.

It was more of a “what if” for me and dh but it was both of us and we only had one.
If he had not wanted to I think I could have lived happily child free. I have lots of child free friends.

Sorry to keep answering in separate posts. This is my last one. I think you sound very reasonable! If you are happy with your life, why mess it up, and there are almost always opportunities to have connections with kids anyway. Even when your nieces and nephews grow up, there'll be another generation after that.

Having reproductive choice is new for women, so we're in new territory, really. I had an aunt who couldn't have children, though, and was a kid person and she was one of the happiest people I ever knew. She had dogs and a beautiful garden.

Thanks everyone! Good to have these perspectives. Especially quitedrab, just good to know that there are ppl who don’t think I’m mad or delusional, being a non kid having kidnperson. Basically I really really like my life as it is and have fought very hard to have it and sacrificed proximity to family and stability etc and now I want just more of the same. Im very fulfilled by what I do and how my life is arranged and I doubt that would change. Just want to be sure as I think this is right for my specific situation but I’m a checker. My mum said something wise which was that she thinks I’m making the right decision for me and actually this isn’t something you have absolute certainty about even when it’s in balance the right decision. So these perspectives all help, thanks folks.

There are lots of child-free couples or single people in academia, this is not unusual. You won't stand out.

You're exactly like my sister!!!
She definitely loves auntying a lot and has about 3 godchildren and gets along with her colleagues so much that she is often at their kids' birthday parties.
BUT she loves being on her own, and having her freedom, and doesn't have the urge to have children.
I speak for myself, I love kids but never enough to decide trying for a child and er.... fell pregnant by accident and DH and I were happy to go along for the bumpy ride.
It's been hell and heaven all into one and I wouldn't change anything.
However, if you're not into it, and neither is your partner, I would say don't do it and once you've made that decision live happily with it!

If you want to try, you could offer to take your nephews for a whole week with no parents around and see how you feel.
:)

Sorry, I forgot to add that sister and I are both academics, and in fairness it's really not that unusual so have childless colleagues in academia.
When you do have the odd couple where both are academics what one tends to observe is that women's careers are more affected than men's. I'm not saying this is the case for all the couples, but in my institution this is the case.

I don't thi k it is the state of motherhood or not having children that intrinsically makes women unhappy or regretful. It is the societal pressures, expectations and structures that are placed on us in both states.

I have children, I was both happier and unhappier before I had them. I have close friends who have no children - they are both happy and unhappy without them. Life doesn't fall in to place when you have children - it just changes. Your underlying state of mind and world view doesn't change dramatically (in the absence of post partum mental illness).

Your choices also don't have to be A) have children in my life or B) don't have children in my life... Respite fostering, changing career to work with children, volunteering with children's organisations. Would all allow you to spend time with children without the permanence of actually having them.

I think if you don't want kids, and that's a natural instinctual feeling, then great, you don't want kids. But I also think you might be overthinking it, trying to weigh up the pros and cons a little too literally.

I have 2 dc. I don't have quite the same freedoms as I used to. I can't just up and go out and do whatever I want with no thought to anyone else's needs. But to be honest, I spent a lot of years doing that, which was grand, but it's not such a need anymore. That doesn't mean I have no freedom though. I'm also an ECR (3 years post PhD). I have first when I was midway through my PhD and the 2nd between postdocs. It's been no issue at all. I have my dream job. I travel, go to conferences, still take solo holidays (dh and kids stay home), get plenty done, successful in my career. We have no family nearby. We do it all ourselves.

Now I don't get to just have a lie in on the weekends or do do whatever I want all the time. But that got a bit boring after awhile anyway. At the same time, kids are only little and really intense for so long. When they get to be 4+, it is much less full on. I've taken both of mine off travelling alone. We've had a great time. No sleepless nights anymore really, except the odd sickness.

But it has to be what you want and you do need a partner who is fully on board. I couldn't travel and work late and have the flexibility that I have without a husband at home picking up the slack those days (similarly, he couldn't do those things either without my support). Absolutely no regrets and no negative impact on my career. That doesn't mean I particularly like other people's kids though (because I don't).

I think it helps if you can shake the illusion that there is one right choice, and you just have to identify it correctly. There are a number of different paths, equally legitimate. You can only ever compare your reality to an imaginary counter-factual, and the road not taken may at various times seem more appealing or less appealing.

Fwiw, I have one 12-year-old dd who is a source of great joy to me (so far - who knows what the teenage years will bring?) but I always knew I wanted a child. In those moments where you're in an airplane having a bumpy landing and you get a sudden flash of what you most want in life - I wanted a baby.