Have I done something wrong?

[Larrythecat]

I've been pondering this for the last two weeks and it's making me incredibly anxious. I'm feeling low and questioningly my future. I know I am probably overthinking but I can't think straight.

I was working as hourly paid tutor at two RG universities last year for the 0.2FT equivalent at each one. The first semester was manageable but the second semester was very difficult, specially with the strikes. At one university (A), the students didn't attend and those who attended complained in the feedback about not having learnt enough. All the materials were in Blackboard and I was available via email or under appointment. Only two people made the arrangements to meet. At University B, there was a drop in attendance but we didn't strike. At the end of the semester, I became quite ill (mentally and physically due to a hidden disability) and marking was a huge mountain to climb. Things arrived on time but I needed help at University A, where I had almost 200 x 3000 words essays. I didn't bring up my health issues at either because I think it might have an impact on recruitment.

University B contacted me to repeat. I was amazed because I thought it was quite a difficult one and I had lots of responsibilities there. I was the convenor too. I guess I should be focusing on that.

University A didn't contact me but at the leaving interview meeting I was told that they were recruiting for a permanent member of staff and the position would not be available again. They did write me a reference letter for my current part time position... Then contacted my boss to ask if he knew anyone to deliver X,Y and Z (my old modules). This comes from a new HoD who I don't know. My colleagues at University A were really nice, wished me well, I got them leaving presents, told me they would call me back.

Have I done something wrong and I'm effectively being discarded as HPT? Is it because there is a new HoD and he hasn't checked who was delivering it? Is it because the permanent position is still not covered and they are panic-recruiting? Is there something else that they are not telling me? Have they taken the student surveys too seriously despite the problems we had this year? Is it common practice to try different people?

Should I ask them for honest feedback with view to improving my practice? I cannot take the job as it is, as it clashes with my current part time job now. But supposedly they wouldn't know that, albeit they did write the reference and might have enquired at the time?

I'm worried I've burnt bridges because of low performance during marking. I wonder if I have found out about my health problems and it has counted against me. I wonder if they think I was not up to scratch, instead of having health problems. I worry I don't have many universities around here and I've crossed one of the big ones off (can't relocate).

What would you do? What is your experience in hiring HPT? Do you repeat? If not, why not?

Were you late with the marking? That'd be enough for me to hire someone else next time (big impact in NSS). If student feedback was poor, I'd have arranged a meeting with the director of studies to discuss it, explain any additional factors not in the feedback, and strategies for avoiding the discontent next time.

It's horrid being on hourly paid contracts - I hope something more secure comes your Way soon!

At this University, grades were given on time by the skin of the teeth, students got them when required.

There were a few issues though and you might be right that this was the problem. the division of marking changed from semester 1 (specialisation) to semester 2 (students enrolled in the class). So if we had been doing focused marking by dividing per essay question/specialisation, we suddenly allocated marking to the person who had done the tutorials (not the lectures). I had timetabled marking as in semester 1 and suddenly this wasn't enough. The fact I was marking outside my subject area (and degrees) made me feel very uneasy so I double checked every answer and probably had to spend an hour with each essay, when it normally takes me 15-20 minutes. My seminar teaching did not require this knowledge, as I was doing practical work and that falls in my area. Because of the strikes, I could not check lecture materials for some questions and I was going blind. As an example, it was as if I were teaching modules on visual culture in Europe and I was given essays on the political instability of Latin America in the 20th century, with mention to posters from political parties. Connected but not with enough knowledge of background theory, context, etc. I tried reading other lecturers' marking and go from there. It was taking too long, though, and as we could all see the essays that were left to mark, a couple of staff joined in and took from my pile.

Half way through, I became ill and had to go to hospital. I didn't recover and pushed through but because of medication I'd either be unable to sleep or fall asleep anywhere (depending on which one I was taking). So it really slowed me down because I wasn't as "mentally awake". I didn't mention this at the time. When I left, I thanked them and mentioned some difficulties but didn't go into detail. My condition is made worse with stress so it just kept worsening.

I hope I have not burnt bridges and I can go back there. Maybe they want someone who is only working part time there, so they don't have to move the schedule to fit teaching. That would also ensure only one batch of marking is done at each time, my deadlines clashed across universities.

Should I contact them and ask if everything is ok? Should I let time pass and contact them when I'm free and available (next year)? Should I let it go and never mention it?

I would leave it. It was quite a chaotic year last year and that coupled with your workload/marking which sounds unbelievably stressful, I don't see what's to be gained by raking it all over again.

You aren't available this year anyway to that institution, so I'd not bother poking them about the problems of last year, they probably don't remember what's going on. If in a year or two they need someone else, then you can put yourself forward.

I think one issue here is that you are kind of supposing that if you work really well for them in terms of teaching, you might stand a chance of a permanent position. That wouldn't be very likely where I work, and we've had a lot of really great temp lecturers pass though. The one or two who have gone on to permanent positions were outstanding, national award type people who would have stood a chance in open competition to be honest. I wonder if being realistic about this needs to happen as well, perhaps a chat with a sympathetic lecturer in the place you are working would tell you how the land lies. We do have some spots in subjects hard to recruit (e.g. quant social science) but the people chosen are still pretty darn good internationally. In competitive spots, we have over 100 well qualified applicants per job and wouldn't be swayed by previous teaching experience at the institution, no-one really cares if you can teach, more if you have 4* papers and grants.

Thank you, I think just being able to post and hear some opinions has helped. I didn't know who I could discuss this with, as everyone I know who could suggest reasons are either current or old employers.
I think I should put the energy into publications and finishing the PhD. You are right, with a couple more years under my belt and more experience they probably won't hold this against my applications. I felt worried and deflated because the school head met me and said so many positive things... Followed by "we won't have this position this year because we are recruiting on X area and they will take over these lessons"... Followed by not filling that post but not calling me back either. There's a new head of department, though.
I'm sacrificing so much for a career in academia that I worry and panic about doing things wrong and closing doors :-(

I slightly misunderstood, I thought you had finished your PhD. If you haven't, then there's little to be gained for your CV by adding more teaching experience to what you already had, and probably easier ways to make money. I'd focus on finishing, publishing, attending a couple of big disciplinary conf if you can, going to early career workshops/presenting at any opportunity.

I'm sacrificing so much for a career in academia that I worry and panic about doing things wrong and closing doors :-( One the one hand you do need to be focused to become an academic, on the other you need to be really quite realistic about the future- which may or may not include post-docs, working in industry or elsewhere, tutoring, outside academia. If you are making your health condition worse with stress already, this suggests you are really quite vulnerable if things don't go the way you planned- but the current scenario for PhDs is way more enthusiastic and brilliant students than there are permanent jobs. This is not your fault, and in some ways there's not that much you can do about it other than publish and complete, but it might be worth talking with someone about all paths you could take- academic and alternatives. If you box yourself in that you are going to be an academic in one of two institutions, sorry that's quite unlikely. You may need to move a lot to get a post-doc job and even then jumping into lectureships is difficult. Perhaps hang out in some PhD forums and get the lie of the land.

Agree with Orchiddingme. You need to get finished and published and networked.

It varies by discipline, obviously, but most people finishing PhDs will not end up in an academic career. Those who DO end up in an academic career will almost certainly do multiple postdocs before they get a permanent, settled position somewhere, and that may well entail mobility. I had temporary full time jobs in four different institutions before getting a permanent post, and it took years. If your options are limited by lack of mobility, then it would be a very very good idea to look into academic-related career options rather than putting all your eggs in the one basket.

Also, speaking bluntly: academia is not a great place to work if you suffer from stress-related illness. The pressure to publish excellent research (and lots of it), to teach to a very high standard, and to juggle complex and demanding admin loads is much more intense as a permanent post holder than as a PhD student doing hourly-paid work. I wouldn't expect that lifestyle to make you very happy, if you suffer from anxiety.

Thank you for your posts, sorry for the delay in replying.

It's a lot of food for thought. I don't want to have a career that is sustained by stress but I love academia and I am maybe naively envisioning some kind of balance once I have a permanent position. At least the financial pressure would be less and I'd be able to plan better with only one schedule to follow. I don't know much about other careers post-PhD, I've thought of applying for student support jobs if I don't get a lecturership, since I have teaching experience already, maybe working closer to the pastoral care and administration requirements of the job would complement my CV. I hope it would also give me more time to write articles or prepare post-doc applications, as opposed to more HPT jobs, which eat the time with preparation and marking.

My condition is not mental-health related, but high levels of stress affects me physically by worsening my symptoms. I deal well with pressure generally and I'm fine as soon as I don't have an intense or long period of stress. I really need to figure out if academia is for me in the long run :(

speaking bluntly: academia is not a great place to work if you suffer from stress-related illness. The pressure to publish excellent research (and lots of it), to teach to a very high standard, and to juggle complex and demanding admin loads is much more intense as a permanent post holder than as a PhD student doing hourly-paid work. I wouldn't expect that lifestyle to make you very happy, if you suffer from anxiety.

Couldn't agree more with this. And I can't see it getting any better anytime soon.

Don't get me started on the NSS. I feel like I work more in customer service than academia these days.