Married outside academia

[MumOnBus]

Long time browser, first time poster (in this corner).

Basically this is it: I'm finally beginning to get places in my career through my hard work (long days, little time off, lots of conference travel and networking). I have not yet finished my PhD but have had two academic posts offered at very prestigious universities in my field.

My DH has a PhD but has never worked in academia and I don't think he gets me. I feel sad saying this as he is very supportive (sharing household chores, looking after the house and DD when I'm away, etc) but he resents it and thinks I do too much for my department, especially as many of the things I do are not aligned with my thesis. He says I should be more selfish and just finish writing up (had I done "just" what's required for my PhD I would not be as employable as I am now, I think but that's for another thread).

I don't feel DH is interested in any of the things I do, be it important or not (from proofreading to even hearing a bit of the gossip/politics that go on in my department). I think the worst of it is that I feel like we're growing apart: it's not just his lack of interest, but his outright disapproval even, of some of the things I feel passionate about.
There are not many women academics in my department, the ones I know who are happily married, have DH academics. All the other ones I know have never married OR have divorced already!

Please tell me if you are happily married a non-academic and what are your secrets? Any tips welcome :-) I love my DH, don't want to end up hurting our marriage :-(

I think Newbie nailed it in her last post. Absolutely this is a conversation we need to have and had unwittingly postponed. He's probably thinking that he's helping me until I finish my PhD but it is actually just going to get worse and we need to have the work/life balance right. However, like in user918273645's case, nobody in my field works part-time, and though there is a waking up of late on addressing the work/life balance issue (or at least in the two institutions I know sufficiently close enough), right now this is what we've got. Take it or leave it (I am taking it, after having "left it" for so many years!).

Our department has a fairly young staff except for a few antisocial types who nobody could stand being married to any more so unless their partner is also currently (or in a couple of cases formerly) in our department, partners don't come to social occasions.

(Having said that, there are at least 2 or 3 older, happily partnered colleagues who either don't come, or come on their own. And we don't have many department social things except for the Christmas do).

worstofbothworld said: Your DH has more of a clue what goes on in academia than mine (who has a degree but as a mature student and partly through the OU so little exposure to universities), but sounds less supportive.

He is very supportive, but I think the problem is that he doesn't really get it though. He does have a doctorate but this was nearly 20 years ago in a completely different climate where funding and jobs security was not as bad as it is today. Plus, he never really wanted to be an academic. I do. I've always had. I could tell more but this would be outing.

Sorry if I read too much into it- you said he seems to 'resent how much you are doing, and show 'outright disapproval' of some of the things you love and to me that does seem quite negative given he's had his turn with the long hours and you supporting etc. He does sound like he pulls his weight on the domestic front, which is great. You now keep saying to everyone he's very supportive...so what's the issue?! (I think there is one if you have posted but now it seems not).'

I do agree he may be thinking-once the PhD is over...and if you are gearing up for your opportunity to restart your career, then the travel/longer hours will continue and it is worth having a conversation about that. I also don't know what he disapproves of...

All I know is my number one supporter is my husband who honestly has pushed me at times further than I thought I could go (usually with me going 'but I don't want to go to that conference/big speech/take up a new role'). That's our dynamic, everyone is different- perhaps you are just working yours out. Keep talking- perhaps he can't see an end to the PhD, they can feel endless for the partner...

I spend too much time on the internet. BUT #thanksfortyping is worth a read on twitter if you want another perspective on academic spouses

Thanks DoctorGilbertson for pointing me to that hashtag. Yeah, I don't want to have anyone to give #thanksfortyping, but it is so pervasive that people assume I've got that too. Plus, surely my husband proofreads (!) I am not capable to produce good writing alone. Grrr.

And Summer to clarify, the things he resents I do are things he thinks are not essential to my career (and perhaps aren't!). I guess I came across as confused with regards to his support because at some level I am! On face value, he cannot be more supportive (evidence: his keeping the house afloat not just in the crises but pretty much all the time), but I read his resentment as not totally being there emotionally. And me being too selfish to do something to prevent this, perhaps!

I do feel I am pulled in different directions and I wondered if it is because of the demands of academia, which are not obvious to the outsiders. Hence the thread.

I am the non-academic one. Mind you, I am the non-anything one!
We have been married for over 30 years, I think very successfully!
I also think DH does far too much for the University, thankless, pointless and unpaid.
I can't stand the navel gazing and petty feuds.
I can't stand how there is no family time and how everything comes second to work.

This in spades. I'm the non-academic one and being married to the rising star researcher has limited my career as the household/childcare duties have shifted towards me and we are moving about every three years or so.

But I have made the decision to put my life and the family first - ahead of work. Work does not really love you back, you know. It sounds like you are going through a purple patch - you have just had some job offers, and I would imagine some papers accepted to get there. But there will be patches where you get lots of rejections and where no-one seems to understand your ideas and everything sucks (etc.)

Maybe more men should take this advice! Few seem to.

My OH is not an academic. Reading your post I don't think that your OH understands the burning desire or what it takes these days. If the sexes were reversed of course you'd be expected to take care of the children (I net you do more than 50% anyway?) and support his career and listen to the dribble about departmental politics. It's not a matter of 'being selfish' and not doing extra things. It's a matter of being selfish and doing them, insofar as they benefit your career.

I'm married to a non-academic! So far so good (married 14years). I hardly ever talk about my research to DH. He's never read anything I've written (I'm in the humanities, so have written a lot) and I wouldn't expect him to. I rarely talk about work stuff at all, really. I love my work, but I don't expect DH to. DH is to all intents a SAHD (he does some pt work, but from home, around school hours) and we have prioritised my career since my last period of mat leave. It's been fantastic for me as I've really been able to get into my stride again with work and have reaped the benefits, career-wise. DH has always been quietly supportive. As in, he supports the general idea of my career and my ambitions, but I would never expect him to listen to me witter on about some obscure journal article I'm writing or who said what in a departmental meeting. His awareness of what I'm doing at work probably extends to a vague knowledge of any deadlines I'm currently up against and roughly how much teaching I've got on at any time.

I like it that way. It helps me have a separation of 'work' and 'life' (as I would probably otherwise live and breathe academia).

I am an academic married to a non academic, but am different from you as I live my work but like to come home and think/talk about other things. DH supported me through phd and is now taking on more childcare while I move forward in my career. I don't think another academic would be so willing to take the back seat.

Love my work, not live.

Same as the last two posters. DH works in a nightclub, beat that for a random pairing before him I was always with other academics. I think it's been good for me to have someone looking at life from outside the ivory tower.