Work life balance non-existent - any tips?

[purplepandas]

Hi

I know that I am doing something wrong as I literally have no work life balance. I am either sorting the children or working. There is pretty much nothing else. As teaching looms (mine is v heavy in semester one) I am already struggling. How do others balance research and teaching plus admin?

I have to change things as it is making me so miserable. I love what I do but not when the balance is totally out of whack. I appreciate that the workload can't be managed in 37.5 hours (am FT) but I am scared to add up what I actually work each week. Even then I am scraping by... Have started being v assertive about saying no to things which is good but a ripple on the ocean right now.

Thanks
PP

Hi purple where do you think it's going wrong? I can't really tell from your post where the weak spots lie- is it the age of your children, where it's just unrealistic to expect them to play independently or that your husband/partner (if you have one) won't step up on weekends or evenings and free you up, or is it the sheer quantity of demands in terms of teaching/admin, or is it the pressure of having to do grants etc on top of all of that? Health isses?

I'm saying that as although I do get exhausted and do find it hard to get everything done, I have quite a good work-life balance, but that's because I have older children and so they just go off and do their own thing a lot so there's more clear head space and time to watch Netflix than there would be with little ones. There's a lot of household organization though, cleaning/cooking/taking them places, that's a whole other story- but it doesn't stop me having downtime. I also have quite low expectations of myself, I know I'm not a shooting star of brilliance, but a steady worker and produce good work over a longer time period, and that sustains me in not panicking- I don't compete with the shooting stars, I just let them get on with it and keep going at my own pace- let's face it, we've got decades to go before retirement so I don't see the need to hurry.

I don't mean to be nosy, and of course you don't have to put down more than you want, but I don't get the sense of why you are struggling right now, more than the fact that children are demanding and so is an academic job- and combining the two is always going to be more demanding than not! The wiggle room isn't completely obvious, but I'm sure it's there.

Also- I always get nervous before the start of a new term, and so do lots of teachers/lecturers I know, so there could be a bit of that thrown in there- you have a sudden 'what if I can't do it?' moment. You can of course, as evidenced by past performance. It would be nice to survive the term not completely stressed out and not getting every bug going though and I guess that's what you are asking.

My top tip is to stop emails pushing through on your phone. Make it so you have to log in to see them. Stops the rising anger /stress on seeing aggravating emails on evening or weekend and confines it to a time when you have decided to look.

Don't access emails outside work hours unless it is helpful to you.

Say 'no' a lot and put down firm boundaries. The firmer the boundary the more people respect it.

Have an email signature clearly setting out your availability.

Spend scheduled time in the fourth square of the matrix - important but not urgent work.

Hope that helps.

I lived in South West London for five years, during a time when I was really focused on work.

I never went to Kew Gardens, or another local museum I really wanted to visit. There was always something more important to do. We then moved away and I now look back and think, what was the point of that?

From summer: "I also have quite low expectations of myself, I know I'm not a shooting star of brilliance, but a steady worker and produce good work over a longer time period, and that sustains me in not panicking- I don't compete with the shooting stars, I just let them get on with it and keep going at my own pace- let's face it, we've got decades to go before retirement so I don't see the need to hurry."

That.

I work 3 days a week. If I don't hold that belief I would have completely stressed myself out. In fact I have to periodically have a stern word with myself, telling myself precisely that.

Thanks and sorry for being slow to come back to this. I have done some of these things and it is helpful to hear how others manage. My emails are no longer pushing directly through and it does help. That stressed me out. Not quite at not checking them if I choose to (can be helpful as work internationally so we are ahead). I do need to get better with email.

In all honesty, I am not sure what I am struggling with specifically. It all feels too much. I know that I have no time to myself. Home organisation is madness and DH does do stuff. He doesn't think like I do though and can't seem to think birthdays/homework/brownies. That stuff is draining when you sort it all.

Work wise, I am having to be harsher about how good something is (especially teaching) as I can't do what I want to do. I guess my mantra has to be 'good enough'. That clearly will not work with papers and grants though. Grant writing is pretty non existent right now but I suppose okay as semester one heavy. I have a few new admin roles and those take time of course to learn and action (one heavy now but easier in semester two).

I am waffling...

And yes, the new semester anticipation is not helping. This time of year is hard also as DD1's anniversary approaching and I feel a sense of doom about that. Perhaps just a bad combination all round.

Make sure you aren't taking on too many admin roles - at my uni women are in demand to sit on committees and they say 'yes' to extra responsibility easily as well. Ask yourself whether you really have to take on that duty etc and whether a man would in your position.

I'm not a teacher but I have found lots of good tips on the numerous organisation threads on MN.

Basically how to organise your home and life and not forget things - it really helps with the mental load (birthday, brownies etc.)

I'll try and find a link.

In terms of work, I too found not having emails on my phone to be a great help. I also plan my day and set aside slots for reading and answering emails.

The pomodoro technique is really good for short bursts of concentrated activity.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1373827-to-ask-how-you-become-organised-and-together-Seriously-how

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/1451448-LITTLE-things-that-help-keep-you-organised

Thank you all. I will definitely check out those links and the pomodoro technique. It's a good point re admin roles too. Thank you.

This sounds like a very difficult time of year for you emotionally, and when you couple a heavy teaching workload with it, then no wonder you are feeling very stressed. I just set realistic but really quite low goals- like get through the term's teaching. Full stop. Without losing my temper all the time. I don't then pile lots of unrealistic writing goals on top of that- or at least, if I do, it's one thing, and not 'write grants/do three papers'- it may be write half a paper to be finished over Christmas.

Low goals, low expectations, I sound like a loser, but I really am not! I get quite a lot done in a steady way, and then if some extra time presents itself, say on a train or away at a conference, I can really use it to write or think up a great grant, as I have the energy, ditto if a call comes out for a grant. But trying to be a great mother, and wife, and housekeeper, and researcher and grant writer and teacher all in the same term is setting yourself up to fail. I also allow housekeeping standards to slip in teaching terms (and have a cleaner) and clean up properly at Christmas!

I'm in the same boat, finding the 'mental load' of home organisation almost overwhelming. I have no advice, I'm just trying to get through this term and I try to do all admin in the evening so my days in the office are spent doing research.

I was going to write how good it was to hear so many of us feel the same, but that's not quite what I meant! It's certainly reassuring it's not just me though...

I've been really lucky in having a 6-month research leave on coming back from maternity leave, but even that was a stress balancing everything. Now I'm re-starting a full teaching and admin load and already stressed as all hell before ds got chickenpox. Sigh. Cue frantic rearrangement of lectures/DP work etc. and less than a week into term I'm already running to stand still and seriously wondering why I bother!

"But trying to be a great mother, and wife, and housekeeper, and researcher and grant writer and teacher all in the same term is setting yourself up to fail. "

I agree.

I think on that list housekeeping is the lowest on my priority list. Who really cares? Only do things that would bother you, is my principle. So I wipe down the kitchen everyday, and shout at my kids to clean the toilet. And make everyone tidy up once a week before our lovely cleaner comes. I think that's plenty good enough.

But the relentless homework/school/after school activities!

I completely agree - I try not to pile on the expectations. I am trying to think of outputs over a year - e.g. This year I will submit two papers, two grants, decorate the bathroom, help ds2 start school and sort all of that admin, let the dc do two activities, volunteer st the school Christmas fair, go on six dates with dh, sit on two work committees.

When I had my appraisal this year I wrote myself a private personal list much like that one. It helps to know I have a year to do things in, and trying to squeeze it all into the autumn term is not going to work!

I also say no to things and resign from committees when I think my input is no longer useful (I think three years on any committee is enough, frankly).

I have successfully reduced my emails substantially by telling students I don't answer email at evenings and weekends, and by simultaneously expanding my office hours and telling them "don't email me - come and see me". That instantaneously gets rid of all the timewasting emails, but still enables serious contact with students who have a good reason to be in touch.

I also as far as possible schedule meetings (e.g. personal tutees, PhD students, research coffees) back to back without any breaks.

Recently I have been saying "no" to absolutely anything that is not getting my own publications out, teaching my modules, my departmental admin job (admissions, currently), or if external involves being paid to do it. That includes travelling, conferences, and important service work like peer reviewing, because I've done a lot in the past, and I'm at in a phase in my life where I have severely reduced time for additional things. I always say "thanks, not now, here's a big list of great/under-utilised alternatives." One day I will have time to do such things again, but not now. And it's the publications and the teaching that really count.

I swear by this article on how to say no

If you don't have one already, and can basically afford one, get a cleaner. And possibly a PA.

There is also something I read in one of Oliver Burkeman's column about answering emails - only answer yesterday's emails. That way you deal with a finite set of things, whereas today's emails are ever increasing ... It does work to a certain extent.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all the posts. I won't comment further on how long it has taken me to reply as that is part of the problem. And yes summerswallow. this is a really difficult month for me. I hate October, it breeds a sense of doom in my heart as such sadness. That just does not help when I am already struggling.

I have said no to some things (liberating) but off to read the no article (thanks piratepanda, perhaps you are a distant relative with the panda link :)

I can't name you all but we are all clearly struggling. I think being realistic about outputs is critical and you are all so right on that. Let's do what we can and get through!

I really like that no article, definitely one to bookmark and read again when I need it!

Just read the no article. I already do most of them.

purplepanda 💐💐 for your loss. There's always going to be part of your brain and heart processing those feelings.