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Advice please [Content warning - child sex abuse]

4 replies

Lowtower · 03/05/2023 07:24

Hey everyone, Looking for some advice here, and if anyone else has had a similar experience.

Long story short, my wife (and her sister) were both sexually abused as children for around a decade by their grandfather until he died (they remember it starting from as far as they remember back to when they were 11 & 12) When the abuse came to light (after he had died) instead of it bringing the family closer together it has ripped it apart further.

My sister in law has had a complete breakdown, has been sectioned and has turned to drink and drugs to cope, she has now lost her children and they are under the care of the local services, one of her children (daughter) is now in the care of my mother in law.

This is where is gets messy, my wife has said that my mother in law was in the same room, on the same sofa even, whilst she was being sexually abused - this happened hundreds of times, I have heard my mother in law starting to talk about her own abuse by her the grandad - but she has now denied saying this, she also talked about hearing abuse and the grandad apologising to my wife after he had abused her - but again is denying this now. From what I can work out, she knew of the abuse taking place, but turned a blind eye to it, as her very own sister accused him of sexual abuse when they were children and she was cast out as a trouble maker, the same label has now been attached to my wife now and she has been cast out of the family.
My mother in law is erratic, her behaviour is quite awful at the best of times, she gave both my wife and her sister drugs as children, she had inappropriate sexual relationships with men, even now she lives in a house bought and paid for by her married lover who pops round for favours at any time of the time and pays for all her bills and food etc, this man has also been accused of sexual abuse in the past, and it was in all the local papers, she is even "friends" with his wife and goes on holidays with them and looks after his wife at times.
My mother in law abandoned her own children twice growing up, she took drugs, punched through windows, attacked her own kids, the level of manipulation and emotional abuse is off the chart and has had so much negative impact on her own children (she has 4), she lives in a fantasists world and to those who don't know this, she pretends to be an upstanding member of the community so gets away with so much.

We have tried to contact social services and lodge our worries about the little girl now in her care, but I really don't know what else we can do?

[Content warning added to title by MNHQ]

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 03/05/2023 07:31

Try again? I think your wife needs to tell the police about her mother's behaviour and role in the abuse she and her sister suffered. MIL is an abuser herself. As difficult and painful as that may be, it is a betrayal of her sister that her sister's child is being cared for by one of her abusers. Given that her sister cannot advocate for her own child then I really think your wife, with your support, needs to speak up.

Lowtower · 03/05/2023 07:38

WeAreTheHeroes · 03/05/2023 07:31

Try again? I think your wife needs to tell the police about her mother's behaviour and role in the abuse she and her sister suffered. MIL is an abuser herself. As difficult and painful as that may be, it is a betrayal of her sister that her sister's child is being cared for by one of her abusers. Given that her sister cannot advocate for her own child then I really think your wife, with your support, needs to speak up.

Thanks for your reply, And I have been trying to get her to speak to the police, and I admit to my frustration at not being at this point, but I am also aware of how distressing is was for my wife to speak about the abuse in the first place.

We did speak to the police about the abuse, but my Mother in Law knew that my wife was going to go to the police so went there first and reported something, she wouldn't tell us what she reported as it was "her life and her business" we have heard 3 different stories of what she has reported from all 3 of my wifes siblings - this is alarming in itself, we heard she reported the abuse to both my wife and her sister from one, that she reported her own brother for sexual abuse from another, and that she reported something that happened to her as a children from the last sibling.

The police wouldn't tell us what she reported either, my wife didn't tell the police about her mother being there when she reported the abuse at the time either.

OP posts:
LilyMumsnet · 03/05/2023 09:55

Hi OP

We're so very sorry for what you are going through.
We hope you don't mind, but we have added a content warning to your title.

Love and best wishes
Lily MNHQ

Lowtower · 03/05/2023 10:44

LilyMumsnet · 03/05/2023 09:55

Hi OP

We're so very sorry for what you are going through.
We hope you don't mind, but we have added a content warning to your title.

Love and best wishes
Lily MNHQ

No, thats fine.

Sorry, I didn't realise thats what I should have done.

OP posts:
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