Unwanted birthday celebrations

[trashingthecamp]

I will be 40 in August, my friends and DH have been nagging at me for months to do something - which I dont want to do - dont have a problem with 40 or anything just dont particularly bother with birthdays and dont like a fuss being made.
Then they start saying they would organise a surprise for me.. I hate surprises (again just dont like being the centre of attention or being fussed over). I consistently said no to this - please dont, wont enjoy etc.
Yesterday I was doing month end stuff and came across a letter from my friend to my DH -she wants to plan a surprise day at the spa- when am I available, who else to ask etc and giving her email so they can talk without me knowing. I do not want to snoop on his email to find out what he said ( the letter was just there on the pile, not in an envelope or anything) but I need to know whats going on.
The spa idea is lovely and thoughtful but I dont want to go. I am very overweight and self conscious and would feel uncomfortable all day. But I am also really cross that they feel they can just ignore my feelings about how I want to celebrate the day.
I need advice on how to play this.....

I am 40 in September and am going through the same thing. MIL tried to organise a surprise spa day for me but someone let it slip and I put a stop to it (in the nicest possible way). People think I am a proper weirdo for not wanting to do the spa thing. I just don't want a big fuss. I have decided that perhaps the best thing is just to have close family to our house for a lunch - they bring the food - and then I'm sort of in control. Good luck and happy birthday!

just repeat a lot that if you have a suprise do you will NOT play a long.
tel them both
i dont want htis and i will NOT be happy and accept it.
i did htat to mine

i did meal out for me nad 8 mates
then on the day family meal lunch thing with them all brining

Thanks for the replies - I am so glad its not just me who doesnt get the whole birthday do/ surprise thing. I was begining to think I was just being grumpy... Jimmy how did you bring it up? Did you just say you had found out and then say no or what...
I am terrible at confrontation and I need to plan what Im going to say first or I know I will just end up smiling meekly and saying lovely` whilst hating every minute!

This idea would fill me with dread....I would feel totally out of control at the thought of someone organising a social event without my consent.
I would be totally honest about finding out and say firmly that it is not what you want at all....as a compromise I would offer an alternative if they still want to celebrate...ie. low key BBQ or similar.

I'd be inclined to do something just to prevent something being done behind your back iykwim.

BUT if you don't like lots of fuss, that something could be just your and your dh going out for a meal in a really special restaurant, or maybe a weekend away.

for my 40th my DH took me to Barcelona which was really enjoyable. For his we went to Le Manoir Aux Quatre Saison. Neither of us are really party people.

Got DH to tell his mum that I had accidentally found out and that I was not keen. It was a bit awkward and I'm sure it seemed really ungrateful, but, you know, life is too short to agree to things you don't want to do. Quite proud of myself actually cos MIL is scary!

Honesty - now theres a thought! I am going to have to tell DH I found the letter arent I? I can always blame him for leaving it where he did! I think you are right - plan something that I am happy with so that I dont have to something even more horrific! I dont want to seem ungrateful, because superficially it is a lovely thought but...like you scurryfunge I hate that feeling of being out of control. Also even if I was happy going to a spa Id still need to plan (shave the right bits, root out the hold it all in / up swimming costume!) so even then the surprise bit would have been a nightmare.
I just dont get the whole surpise thing.

Surprises are selfish. They're for the people controlling planning the surprise. Usually, what the recipient wants is irrelevant. Definitely a control issue.

If you must, you can always lie. Just say that you and DH are planning something special and private for your birthday. Tell them that you don't want to share. Period.

Of course, your DH needs to support you on this all the way.

I agree, the friend organising the surprise is lovely and a very good friend but sometimes she just doesnt get me - she is eveything I`m not gregarious, life and soul of every party, can talk to anyone about anything, she often puts me in situations that SHE enjoys (like the surprise -it is her idea of a great birthday)and wonders why I struggle. She will be enjoying organising this and being thought of as the good friend for doing it - and I will be the grumpy, ungrateful one whatever happens....

I did try to bring up the subject last night with DH, but suddenly the garden needed watering, so I do suspect something is planned, and he knows I`m not happy...
Today I left the letter very obviously on the worktop so I am hoping he guesses and broaches the subject himself - if not I will tackle it again over the weekend.
I just wish I was better at confrontation (even the non confrontational type!!)

I so get where you are coming from with this issue. It feels like your dh and friend are doing something they think you will like, but actually its not for you at all, but for their image of how you should be, and therefore you probably feel a bit hurt that they don't accept you as you are.

I think at 40 you are old enough to stand your ground and state how you want to celebrate. But it will be tough to be assertive. Have a plan that you can live with, whether it's family dinner, or overnight away, and insist your dh at least is on your side.

I too like to prepare for things, and I'd worry in the weeks coming up to the birthday about what would be planned, and so ruin everything.

You have to be very honest with your friend and dh; good luck.