DH and swimming with other people's children

[lisbey]

DH takes our DSs swimming most weekends, at a sports club where we are members. (I escape to the gym and leave them to it )

DH is lovely (if I do say so myself) and seems to have been adopted by every child under 10.

He is very happy to play with them, but his games involve a lot of throwing children about and there's a slightly older girl (or maybe well developed for her age iyswim) the older sister of one of DS1s friends, who has joined them recently. DH feels uncomfortable touching her, but doesn't want to leave her out. Or rather he feels uncomfortable about whether he "should" be touching her.

The parents are usually not present in/at the pool, but are well aware that DH plays with their son and that the girl is sometimes there too. He has spoken to the father in passing, but we don't know them well. What would you do?

if it was me i would call time on the playing with other kids if it means touching them. expecially if their parents arent there. not because i think he will do anything but because he is leaving himself open to accusations.

it is sad the world we live in.

It is, but I'd like to find a way to live in a happy world where children do get to interact with men outside their immediate family.

Your dh's good name and reputation could be ruined in a moment if someone mistook his intentions. Or if some comment from the older girl to her parents was taken up wrongly.
So although I think it's so very sad, I would advise your dh to not touch other people's children.
My own dh is a bit old-fashioned like this and behaves like people did when we were children, but unfortunatly you have to mind yourself now and not give anyone any cause for concern.

Oh how sad. I think I agree that he maybe shouldn't touch other people's children if he doesn't know the parents. Some people are so hysterical. at a society where all men are automatically suspected paedophiles

My initial reaction was sod it he's just being a fun dad but that is because I'm picturing my own DH iyswim, then thinking about my dd's being thrown about my some man I didn't know...don't think I'd like it. However...if I knew the dad I would be grateful of the free childcare!

I know, it just seems so sad.

Their Dad is occasionally nearby - in the hot tub and knows what kind of games they play, but it only recently the girl has started swimming too.

If the parents didn't like it they could always join their DCs in the pool!

Actually I agree, he shouldn't feel akward. How old is the girl?

Not sure exactly Coca . I would guess top juniors, but starting to develop iyswim

Your DH should listen to his gut, which is telling him not to touch this girl. He's not being paranoid...he's right.

Generally, adults shouldn't touch other people's children. Even (perhaps especially) if they do know the parents. Too many potential misunderstandings.

Think of the worst that could happen. Not worth it. Sorry.

When you say the parents aren't present in/at the pool - they must be at the pool, surely? Or who takes the children there?

Uncomfortable as it is, if the parents are there at all I think he might say to them - hey, your kids sometimes want to join in with our playing, which is lovely, they're nice kids, but I just wanted to check with you that you're fine with it?

It's so sad. Your husband sounds lovely. And this poor girl, just wanting to join in with the other kids having such fun but because she's developing breasts she can't be touched. I developed early; visibly pubescent by 10-11, but I was just a kid, wanting to play around, and innocent adult touch is such a part of childhood, you know?

So your husband's just got good intentions, this girl just wants to play, and yet.

I think talking to the parents (not about "your daughter's developing" but just to get a blanket OK) is the way to go.

Maybe he could have the older girl help with the throwing around of the younger kids? Play catch with them as the balls etc, so that she's his special helper and he doesn't have to touch her? I wouldn't worry about his touching the younger kids.

Another option might be for him (or even you) to approach the parents of the older girl and talk to them about his concerns - ok you don't know them, but this is about their kids, maybe they could join in the play even just for a bit/some of the time, take the pressure off your husband and establish new games where it's not necessary to touch the girl but she doesn't miss out on the fun.

lisbey - I dont touch other people's children and avoid being alone with other people's children. Ever. Full stop.

I had to complete a CRB check in order to teach adult students last week. Its the way the world is, unfortunately.

I agree with mavisg and iseonthehalfshell - suggest that as she is older he cant lift her, etc but would appreciate it if she could catch/etc the other children. Its never nice to be left out for any reason.

I would also approach the parents to say (delicately) that he feels she wants to be included but is mindful of perceptions and is this acceptable for her to help and possibly if they'd help?

I saw a program recently which highlighted that 'rough' or 'dads' play is very benefical for children. It builds a childs sense of limitation within a safe environment i.e they can do 'dangerious' stuff mum's often say no to but in a very safe environment. It also tests their strenght, etc which many mum's don't have the physic for.

When talking to the other parents I would encourage them to join in and site the above to encourage the dad's to help. I suspect the parents are relieved that they can have a few minutes quiet time whilst their kids are occupied.