S.I.L do i suggest she doesnt visit anymore?

[addictedtolatte]

i have a very self absorbed, manipulative ect SIL and cant decide how to cut her out my life to save my own mental health state. sorry to ramble but she is driving me nuts she stays in bed most of the day and phones her brother my dp to run round after her because she has vertigo. she comes to my home and has to sit on certain seats as my patterned wallpaper makes her vertigo worse. she quite openly tells me this. she then cant sit in the babys bedroon and play with him as the lime green walls start off her vertigo this is just a short example of what she is like if i was to tell the whole version i would have to write a book. after having to put up with her for 6 hours constantly critisying things i have spent the last 3 days feeling low and crying as she just makes me feel like my home is awful. would i be considered unreasonable if i suggested she didnt attend my home anymore as it makes her so ill i dont like upsetting people but i just cant tolerate her anymore. i havnt got the guts to voice my opinions to her as she also has depression and she would only blame me for this getting worse by having it out with her anyone have any suggestions what they would do?

bump

Why does she need to visit you at all?

If you have a close friendship with her, meet her at a coffee shop. If you don't, let your dp meet her at her house or another venue.

i dont have a close friendship at all with her i just cant seem to find the guts to tell her how i feel. she comes and i just bite my lip and take her criticism. i dont think she even knows what she is saying is hurtful i think she is that selfabsorbed she has no idea about other peoples feelings. i think letting my dp take my ds to see her would be the best option just wasnt sure if i was being over the top.

Have you ever considered that you might be the one who is selfabsorbed and no idea about others feeelings? I don't have vertigo, but certain patterns and especially a phone wire (you know the curly ones) send me dizzy and make me feel awful. Why do you assume she's doing all this to upset you? Your home is not awful, just not for her. It effects her like this but she still wants to visit you all. Why not suggest meeting somewhere else? If you feel your dp runs around after her too much you need to talk to him.

lovebeing i'll send her round to yours for the day and you may see where am coming from i cant really explain her behaviour that clearly in small paragraphs. i find it rude to comment on how peoples decor makes you ill. i would never do this i would just make my excuses and leave

I have no doubt there is more to it, was just trying to get you to see it from her pov. If she's full of bull and not really as ill as she makes out then that's one thing, but if she really is poorly just saying allowances could be made.

lovebeing i can see what you mean but i have welcomed her into my home for 5 years and tried to help with all her ailments (which only conveniently hit her when she cant get her own way) i seen her true colours when i came out of hospital after having my ds which was complicated delivery with forceps and lepisiotomy ouch!!! i was unable to walk without being in pain but had to make her dinner and tea on her visits as her vertigo was getting her down. she also demanded her brother to visit her with shopping ect resulting in me being left at home alone with my injuries and a new born this was on day one of me coming home!

I notice you haven't mentioned dp and sil's parents, are they still around?

From the other stuff you've said, Sounds like she gets what she can get away with, you don't have to be rude, but firmly and clearly say if she has upset you. No-one can stop annoying you if they don't know they do it.

there parents unfortunatly have both passed away 15 years ago!

i made the mistake 2 years ago of letting my feelings known and she seems to have gone out of her way to upset me more. i love her brother to bits but sometimes feel like walking away. i just wish she would listen to people because she could make a lot of friends instead of enemies as she does have a fun side as well but chooses not to relay this very often. she is having trouble at work with her coleagues having simalar complaints as me, she is going through a greivance at the moment and i cant support her as i know exactly where there coming from.

Is she having any medical treatment for her vertigo? How about bombarding her with advice on woo-bollocks 'alternative' treatment, the more undigified and unpleasant the better: send her off for a couple of coffee enemas and a hosedown with freezing water or get her on some kind of really restricitve diet with added vile-tasting herbal mixtures. Then if she doesn't try the remedies, cry and say you were only trying to help and act all hurt...

lol solidgoldbrass she is on meds and as far as i know due to advice from the great google the meds are a successfull treatment.

Are you sure she's actually criticising your decor, and not just explaining why she can't sit in certain rooms?

missus i know what you mean. her words are "that wallpaper is a bit in your face i will have to sit somewhere else" a serious face no laughing involved she also cant have a patterned cup and has to move the scatter cushions. i get told my top has too many pattens on could i change it

I used to hae to put something over the phone cord if someone was usng the phone across me in the office that's how i used to look.

basically she's found something that always gets her her own way and plays on it a bit more than se needs too?

Good on your dp for looking after her.

Ok maybe this woman has some MH problems, sensory issues whatever. But it's clear that she milks them and probably enjoys being a whinyarse.
Again, kill her with kindness, tell her that if she finds your home so distressing then it's best if she doesn't visit and you will meet her elsewhere.